LHDY, 



/Banners 



ano Social Tasages. 




V 



" For, after all, the polite world is the flower of 
civilization, and although one may affect to sneer 
at its observances, they are the result of the clear- 
est discernment and the ripest experience, and must 
BE recognized." — Mrs. Madelei?ie Vinton Dahlgren. 



BENZIGER BROTHERS, 




3 b 6$ / 



V 



New York, Cincinnati, Chicago : 



Printers to the Holy Apostolic See. 



1893. 



Copyright, 1893, by Benziger Brothers. 



Preface, 



TT is endeavored to condense into this volume 
the principal rules and regulations of good 
society. Mrs. John Sherwood, Mrs. Burton Har- 
rison, Mrs. Madeleine Vinton Dahlgren, and 
other recognized authorities have been followed. 

In the words of Mrs. Sherwood : " There is no 
country where there are so many people ask- 
ing what is ' proper to do, ' or indeed where 
there are so many genuinely anxious to do the 
proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which 
we call the United States of America. " To an- 
swer these questions, to assist in this laudable 
ambition, is the object of this brief treatise on 
Manners and Social Usages, 



Contents, 



Good Society. — Manner and Manners. — The 
American Girl, -9 

IN THE HOME CIRCLE. 

... Happy Home. — The Well-bred Woman at 
Home.— The Well-bred Man.— The Home 
Virtues. — Servants, 21 



CHILDREN. 

Their Manners. — Their Dress. — Their Amuse- 
ments. — Grown-up Children. — Children One 
Would Prefer Not to Know. — Children's 
Parties. — Debut in Society. — The Dancing - 
class, . . . . • . . .32 



THE LITTLE COURTESIES. 

Every- day Etiquette. — On Lifting the Hat. — 

Certain Rules. — Amateur Musicians, . . 45 



IN CONVERSATION. 



The Use of Words. — Personal Questions. — Tact 

in Conversation. — Mistakes to be Avoided, . 60 
5 



6 



Contents. 



AT THE WRITING-DESK. 

PAGE 

Correct Stationery. — Modes of Address. — Letters 
of Introduction. — Notes. — Prudence at the 
Writing-Desk. — On Certain Mistakes, . 74 

CALLS. 

Visiting Cards. — First Calls. — Necessary Calls. 

— Manners when Calling, . . . .88 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

The Primary Law of Introductions. — Form of 
Introductions. — When Necessary, . . 102 

INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND 
REGRETS. 

Form of Invitations. — Answering Invitations. — 
Certain Details, . . . ... 11 1 

BALLS. 

The Invitations. — The Ball-room. — The Dress- 
ing-rooms. — Refreshments. — Decorations. — 
Dress. — Guests at a Ball, . . . .123 

A DINNER PARTY. 

The Guests. — The Decorations. — Order of the 
Courses. — Hints and Suggestions, . .138 



Contents. 



7 



MANNERS AT TABLE. 

PAGE 

The Fork and the Spoon. — Eating Fruit. — Rules 
to be Observed, . . . . . .154 



OTHER ENTERTAINMENTS. 

Luncheons. — Receptions. — Teas. — Musicales. — 
Theatricals and Readings. — Card Parties. — 
Garden Parties, 165 

OUT-DOOR AMUSEMENTS. 
Riding. — Driving. — At Picnics. — Tennis, . . 196 



IN PUBLIC. 

Shopping. — Travelling. — On the Street. — In the 

Street-car. — At the Theatre, . . . 207 



WEDDINGS. 

The Engagement. — Wedding Cards. — A Church 
Wedding. — Bridesmaids. — The Best Man. — 
The Ushers. — The Reception. — Bridal Pres- 
ents. — Widows. — After the Wedding. — Cer- 
tain Questions Answered, . . . .231 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 

The Wooden Wedding.— The Tin Wedding.— 
The Silver Wedding.— The Golden Wed- 
ding, . . .. . . . . .257 



8 Contents. 



THE CHAPERON. 

PAGE 

When Necessary. — The East and the West. — 

Her Duties, . . . . . . . 263 

HOSTESS AND GUEST. 

Invitations. — Attentions to Guests. — Certain 
Rules to be Observed, . 26S 

MOURNING. 

Mourning Attire. — The Funeral. — Calls and Let- 
ters of Condolence. — Usages of Good Society 
for those in Mourning, . . . . .276 

ON DRESS. 

The Well-dressed Woman. — The Well-dressed 
Man. — Incongruities of Dress. — Good Sense 
and Good Form. — Some Details of the Toilet, 289 

SPECIAL OCCASIONS. 

At a Reception to Ecclesiastics. — In Washing- 
ton. — At a Club. — In Rome. — Presentation 
at Court, 297 

MISS KITTY CARELESS AND HER 
FRIENDS. 

Their Manners and their Mistakes. — Snobs. — 

The Well-bred Girl 305 



A LADY. 



<3oofc Society.— banner anfc dfcanners,— Zbc 
Bmerican GtrL 

TT is the ambition of every American to enter 
^ what is called good society. Unfortunately 
for the peace of mind of humble folk, the dis- 
tinction between "good" society and "high" 
society is not always made. An association 
of people having good morals and good man- 
ners is good society. High society, on the con- 
trary, requires wealth and position as the foun- 
dation, to which the personal virtues may, or 
may not, be added. To be a member then of 
good society depends only upon one's self. Peo- 
ple are judged by the company they keep, is an 
old adage with more than the usual grain of 
truth in it. Circumstances may throw one in a 



10 



<5ooo Society, 



circle of uncongenial people at times, and pro- 
pinquity often has more to do with surface 
friendships than mutual regard, yet if one be 
well born and well bred and well mannered 
she will instinctively seek, and usually find, the 
society of her kind. If Miss Blank complains 
that Miss Brown "snubs" her, and that Miss 
Black has not called, it may, in three cases out 
of five, be understood that Miss Blank herself is 
not a congenial associate for refined and clever 
people. Of course, if Miss Blank be living in 
retirement, or if she has never been introduced 
into society, she cannot expect people in this 
busy world to go out of their way to find her ; 
but, under ordinary circumstances, if she be 
worthy of attention she will receive it. In 
America, if a woman be unusually gifted and 
personally fascinating, she may be neither rich 
nor famous and yet be sought by the best and 
highest society. Stupid, uninteresting, ill- 
mannered people are not pleasant to have 
around one, and a hostess who is rich and ele- 
vated in station, and therefore socially inde- 
pendent, will usually cross out of her list ac- 



IHanner anb manners. 



quaintances of that kind, and fill their places 
with others who are more congenial. One may 
sometimes read of very rude and very vulgar 
things being done in the best society, but these 
acts are the exception and not the rule, and 
generally incur for their perpetrators the ostra- 
cism they deserve. Again, so firmly rooted is 
our love of rank, that a rudeness pardoned to an 
earl or a ten-millionaire would mean banish- 
ment for the bank clerk or the struggling young 
lawyer. 

There is a class of people who affect to sneer 
at the manners and social usages prescribed by 
the best society ; they say that these are merely 
empty forms, that manners do not make the 
man, and that kindness of heart can dispense 
with forms. They do not stop to consider that 
the best-bred people must, by their code, show 
a consideration for others which sometimes the 
kindest of hearts may omit ; that manners and 
social usages are, as a rule, founded on the 
most punctilious consideration for others. At 
every point one is taught that a regard for 
others, compatible with self-respect, must 



I 2 



tfiamter attb TTianncvs. 



always take precedence over one's own con- 
venience. The golden rule is, after all, the 
foundation of the best manners as it is of the 
best feeling. As a crusty old scholastic once 
remarked, there are two ways of doing every- 
thing, a right way and a wrong way. As far 
back as history takes us there has always been 
a right way and a wrong way in manners. The 
savage is taught just how to paint his face or 
color his teeth, how to make his obeisances be- 
fore the medicine man, how to salute his chief. 
The backwoodsman has his code of etiquette 
when escorting a blushing maiden to singing 
school or dancing the reel in a log cabin. As 
we advance in civilization and culture, manners 
as well as morals become more perfect. 

There is another class of people who admit 
the desirability of good manners, but who seem 
to think that they can be acquired instinctively. 
They understand that a child, in order to learn 
arithmetic, to dance, to play tennis, or to draw, 
must be taught, must have teachers and text- 
books ; but they seem to imagine that the most 
intricate rules of the social code ought to be 



manner anb manners. 



learned without any effort. Experience is cer- 
tainly a good teacher, but often, and always in 
society, a very severe one. A girl admitted 
into refined circles may learn etiquette by ex- 
perience, but also by many mortifying mistakes. 
Others again imagine that the code of manners 
is immutable, unchangeable, and that the usages 
which prevailed when their grandmothers were 
girls are the usages which prevail now. As a 
matter of fact nothing changes so often as the 
rules of etiquette. Of course, certain funda- 
mentals remain ever the same, but in the details 
there is constant change. A girl or a young 
man who wishes to be marked by good breed- 
ing and perfect manners will study the usages 
of the times and conform to them. In the days 
when our great-grandfathers wore silver buckles 
and powdered cues, and danced the minuet, 
they kissed the hands of their partners and 
compared their eyes to stars ; in this age of the 
cotillon and the dress-suit, young men content 
themselves with a bow and the last bit of gos- 
sip about the horse show. 

But while manners change, that is, the out- 



14 IHarmer cmb VTiannets. 



ward formulae regulated by good society, man- 
ner does not. A peasant may have a courteous, 
almost princely manner, and yet be ignorant of 
the first principles of social forms. As one 
writer puts it, manner is the grain of the wood, 
manners the polish put on it. " Nature's no- 
blemen " will have a gentle manner, but unless 
trained they will not know the usages which go 
to make up fine manners. Forgetfulness of 
self, courtesy to others, deference to age, con- 
sideration for the weak, these are the virtues of 
the natural gentleman. Again, as to the man- 
ner of one's manners there is a vast difference 
between the kind-hearted and the selfish. Two 
people may outwardly conform to the same 
usages, rising, bowing, conversing after the 
same forms; but one will be magnetic, trust- 
ing, kind— in a word, he will have a pleasant 
manner ; the other will be cold, supercilious, 
egotistical — his manner will be detestable al- 
though his manners may be correct. 

It is not a little surprising that people whose 
early education has been meagre will endeavor 
in every way possible to make up for the ne- 



tUamter anb Htanners. 



gleet in everything excepting good manners. 
There they trust to luck, to self-assurance, or to 
the charitable allowances of their friends. And 
yet it is the one defect which most surely and 
most swiftly betrays itself. One may be a little 
shaky in cube root or the chronology of the 
kings of England and his ignorance escape un- 
detected, but a breach in good manners knows 
no concealment. He may not consider etiquette 
of any importance, but so long as well-bred 
people elect to abide by its laws, he cannot wil- 
fully transgress them and still be considered 
worthy of recognition. Minor points may be 
overlooked, especially where it is known that 
one's opportunities have been poor, but the 
essentials every one can learn. Self-possession 
in a ball-room, wit in conversation, grace in 
dancing, for instance, can only be acquired by 
mixing in society, but when it comes to wear- 
ing a dress-coat, accepting or declining an in- 
vitation, going to places of amusement — the 
usages of these matters may be learned from 
books. 

With the exception of the " finishing schools " 



i6 



Htanner anb manners. 



for young ladies, etiquette has not been deemed 
a desirable branch in the ordinary curriculum 
of the average school, either for girls or boys. 
Those in charge say that etiquette belongs to 
the parents to teach, or to society itself, or, at 
any rate, that it does not belong to their line of 
duties. Of late years some of the better-class 
boarding-schools for young ladies have given 
the matter serious attention, but they are as 
yet unfortunately in the minority. It not in- 
frequently happens that a girl goes home with 
her graduating medal or ribbon-decked diploma, 
able to chatter French, play a Beethoven sonata, 
paint on china, read the Odyssey in the original, 
and not know how to give an introduction or 
conduct herself properly at the simplest of after- 
noon teas. Of course, if she be fortunate enough 
to possess a refined, well-bred mother or near 
relative, she will learn the social usages in good 
time, but if she be an orphan, or if her mother 
lacks the requisite training herself, the girl is 
in an awkward position if she wishes to enter 
society. 

A great deal has been said and written about 



Cfye (Xmevkan (Sir! 



17 



the American girl ; the mistakes of poor Daisy 
Miller have been held up to the censure of the 
world, and that she is typical of a very large 
class no one can deny. But, on the other hand, 
there is no one in the world who has attempted 
so much and accomplished nearly all attempted, 
and from whom so much has been expected, as 
the American girl. She fills all positions, from 
the chair at a village sewing-society to the seat 
of honor in the White House ; she passes from 
a condition of poverty to one of unlimited 
wealth. She is expected to take her place in 
society, to assume, perhaps, the charge of her 
father's house, teach younger brothers and sis- 
ters, exercise, in a word, a woman's discretion 
with the years of a girl. It is a matter of na- 
tional congratulation that she rises so generally 
to the level expected of her, and that her fail- 
ures are so few. In other countries a girl is 
trained from childhood in accordance with her 
station, but with us all stations are open to 
genius, and the girl who makes her own frocks 
and cooks the family dinner may marry the 

penniless but gifted youth of destiny and go 
2 



i8 



Oe Ctmertccm (Strl. 



hand in hand with him to — the White House or 
the Fifth Avenue palace. Indeed, with history 
almost monotonous with its array of great men 
who began at the foot of the ladder and worked 
their way to the top, there is good warrant for 
almost any kind of ambition. 

But here, as everywhere, the few succeed, the 
many must fail. Yet the success of true man- 
liness, the success which means the respect of 
one's associates, a stainless reputation, good 
breeding, charming manners, culture, may come 
to all or to nearly all. Everywhere, from the 
Western hamlet to the great metropolis there 
is a good and a bad society, and it rests with the 
individual as to whether her place is to be with 
the first or the last. 

It is the sheerest nonsense to say that peo- 
ple are all free and equal. People have equal 
rights in the law, and all have an opportunity 
to rise to any position, to make themselves equal 
to the best, but they are not born free and equal ; 
and so long as some are rich and some poor, 
some gifted and some stupid, some charming 
and good and some brutalized and boorish, some 



C^e (Xmetkan (SirL 



*9 



refined and cultivated and some ignorant and 
uncouth, the millennium of perfect equality will 
not be reached. There are patricians and ple- 
beians in every walk of life ; all the money in the 
world will not make a gentleman out of a churl 
nor a lady out of a vulgarian ; and poverty and 
obscurity will not tarnish the charm of a true 
gentlewoman nor make less admirable a gen- 
tleman. 

Whether one's lot in life is the village or the 
great city, the manners and usages, the culture 
and the graces of refined society should receive 
the attention they deserve. An American gen- 
tlewoman is the social equal of every other 
American gentlewoman, whether she lives in a 
cottage or a mansion. It may not be desirable 
or feasible for the two to belong to the same 
circle in society, but the cottage maiden need 
feel no inferiority to her more fortunate sister. 
There are no arbitrary distinctions separating 
the two, but merely a question of money, and 
money is a something which any enterprising 
American can obtain, or a gentlewoman do 
without. 



20 



Cfye Ctmerican (StrL 



If all mothers were gentlewomen, if all girls 
could have the benefit of a refined home train- 
ing, manuals of etiquette would be compara- 
tively useless; but since it too often happens 
that girls are motherless, or that their mothers 
are invalids, or ignorant themselves of the cul- 
ture desired for their daughters, they fill a very 
serious want. It is not claimed that a girl who 
must seek her knowledge from a manual will 
be as perfectly bred as the girl taught from her 
cradle the niceties of refined manners and 
initiated by a mother into the usages of so- 
ciety, but a manual can preserve her from 
glaring mistakes. And if she be observant 
and adaptable, she can, with its aid, reach the 
goal of charming manners without any serious 
humiliations. 



An tbe 1bome Circle* 



A Happy Home. — The Well-Bred Woman at Home. — The 
Well-Bred Man. — The Home Virtues. — Servants. 

C^INCE people ordinarily spend the greater 
part of their lives at home, it would seem 
to be a dictate of common sense to make the 
home life as pleasant as possible. 

One of the old writers said somewhere that 
no one can have very good morals whose man- 
ners are very bad. Judging of the home man- 
ners of some people one would imagine that 
Christianity was at a very low ebb among them. 
Of course, no one advocates the rigid adherence 
to social forms in the informality of intimate 
daily intercourse ; but the little courtesies should 
be so much a part of one's very being as to seem 
the natural, the only natural manner of the well- 
bred person. 

In the homes of people who are truly well- 
bred quarrelling and wrangling and disputes are 



22 



3tt tlje Fjome dtrrie* 



never heard; slang and profanity are equally 
conspicuous by their absence. The wife remem- 
bers always that it is to her that the comfort of 
her family, the happiness of home are confided. 
She knows that the happiness of a home does 
not depend upon its grandeur, so she does not 
sigh for the things she cannot afford. Her little 
parlor is dainty and orderly and tasteful; the 
library has well-selected books, the latest peri- 
odicals, easy-chairs, abroad, comfortable leather 
couch where the husband and father loves to 
throw himself for a few moments of rest and 
relaxation before dinner; on the library table 
are pencils and pens, paper knives and good 
ink; the book-cases are low, busts of favorite 
authors rest on them ; good pictures are on the 
walls; if possible there is an open grate fire. 
She does not expect her family to ruin their eyes 
trying to read by a gas-jet suspended in the 
centre of the room, so she has a drop-light, if 
gas be used, or a student's lamp on the table. 

In the dining-room everything is bright and 
cheerful : flowers in the window, bright paper 
on the walls, where a few etchings and water- 



23 



colors are displayed; everything about her 
table is immaculately clean, and china and sil- 
ver, which she is not afraid to take care of with 
her own supple, white hands, are not considered 
too good for daily use. Ferns, a growing plant, 
or a few flowers in a nest of smilax give an 
aesthetic touch to the duty of eating ; her viands 
are always well cooked and well served — not 
that she is more fortunate than her neighbors 
in her choice of a cook, but because she herself 
is a graduate of Madame Franc's famous cook- 
ing school, and she has succeeded in training 
her cook after her own heart. What she does 
not know about the chemistry of foods, their 
degrees of digestion, is not worth knowing; she 
understands exactly what kinds make fat people 
thin, and thin people fat ; what to give to inva- 
lids, what to children, what to dyspeptics. She 
knows that if variety is the spice of life, it is 
also the secret of the dining-room, so her hus- 
band and children are never allowed to loathe 
the sight of roast beef and stewed prunes ; the 
bills of fare for no two meals in the week are ex- 
actly alike. For her evening dinner she puts 



24 



3tt tfye ^ome Circle* 



on a becoming costume, puts off all signs of 
worry, and brings her sweetest manner, her 
wittiest story, her most charming bit of gossip 
to give zest to the meal. The children's aches, 
the servants' idiosyncrasies, the perverseness of 
the water-pipes are reserved for some future 
time, and if not serious are not brought forward 
at all. 

Her bedrooms are fresh and comfortable; 
they are perfectly ventilated and thoroughly 
aired every day; the beds are supplied with 
good mattresses and warm blankets ; plenty of 
fresh towels and good soap and clean brushes 
are found in each room. They are not crowded 
with ornaments nor dust-catching draperies. 
She remembers her grandmother's favorite 
aphorism that " Order is Heaven's first law," and 
so she has a place for everything, and usually 
everything can be found in its place. She is 
not inflexible on this point, however, and for the 
sake of the family comfort she sometimes relaxes 
her vigilance. Her carpets are not too fine to be 
walked upon ; Maggie Tulliver would not be re- 
quired to tiptoe over her polished floors ; her 



Oje HMMSreb Woman at ^ome, 



2 5 



easy-chairs are for use not ornament, her books 
to be read, everything in her home to be en- 
joyed. She loathes dirt, but sometimes permits 
a little disorder. 

She always has place at her table, a welcome 
in her heart for a friend. She is not given to 
curtain lectures, and considers her own husband 
the best and dearest and noblest man in the 
world. He is not George Washington only be- 
cause the opportunity has not been given him, 
and if he were President of the country he 
would send it forward a whole century on the 
road to prosperity in four years. 

With all her home duties and her children, 
she does not neglect herself. She keeps up her 
music because it gives pleasure to husband and 
children and friends, as well as to herself. She 
reads the new books, and is in touch with the 
events of her time because her husband wants a 
companion as well as a housekeeper, and be- 
sides, she has a natural taste for intellectual 
pursuits. She does not intend that her sons 
shall ever feel that their mother is an ignorant 
woman, or that her daughters may not find in 



26 



3tt the Borne (Orcfe* 



her a teacher, adviser, helper in their studies. 
She knows that the truly cultivated woman is 
neither priggish nor masculine, neither a slat- 
tern nor a crank. She lives within her income 
and saves something every month. She is a 
good manager, but not penurious. For her 
table she buys enough, but not too much ; she 
pays cash and is not cheated. Nothing is al- 
lowed to go to waste. She does not tell false- 
hoods to her husband about the butcher's bills 
so as to have a few extra dollars for dress. 

She entertains her friends occasionally in a 
charming, unostentatious way. She does not 
repeat unkind or scandalous gossip, discuss her 
neighbors' faults, tell shady stories or permit 
them in her presence. Her mind is too well 
stored for personalities and vulgar curiosity. 
She is not envious of those above her in wealth, 
nor unhappy because of the lack of material 
things. She does her duty in that station of life 
to which it has pleased Providence to call her ; 
if her husband makes a fortune she will know 
how to spend it, if he does not she can be con- 
tented as she is. She is neither cringing to the 



Cbe XVdWBveb litem. 



2 7 



great nor arrogant to the obscure. If the well- 
bred woman has been unfortunate in her choice 
of a husband no one but herself ever knows it. 
His faults are not laid bare to the world, nor 
are the domestic differences served up for ill- 
natured daws to gloat over. She does her duty 
as a wife because it is her duty, and the serenity 
of soul which comes from a supernatural mo- 
tive takes her safely through many a storm. If 
her husband be selfish, arrogant, narrow, com- 
mon-place, she tries to cultivate the opposite 
qualities in herself and her children. 

But as a rule the woman who is good and 
sensible and well-bred gets a husband congenial 
to herself, and if he be not altogether perfect in 
the beginning, she soon makes him so. 

The well-bred man has been taught from his 
cradle the respect and deference due to women, 
As a boy he was kind and considerate of his 
mother and sisters, and as a man he bestows 
like attentions upon his wife. When he was 
first married he told his bride his income and 
his prospects, and together they portioned out 
their funds — so much was to 'be spent, so much 



2$ 



3n the 5ome Circle. 



saved. The wife has a certain sum for house- 
hold expenses, and a certain sum for her own 
dress and pin-money. The well-bred man does 
not dole out money to his wife as if he were 
giving to a beggar, nor does he expect her to 
render an account to him. or to any one else, of 
the way in which she spends her personal allow- 
ance. The well-bred man does not act the 
gentleman abroad and the boor at home. He 
never forgets the little courtesies, the pleasant 
greetings, the tender good-byes. He is punc- 
tual for meals, does not scold the children and 
servants simply because he feels out of humor; 
never finds fault with his wife, does not spend 
his evenings at a club, and is too well-bred to 
get any pleasure in a saloon. If he spends 
money for cigars, clubs, base-ball, etc., he gives 
an equivalent sum to his wife for candy, mati- 
nees, and other feminine weaknesses. He takes 
a manly pride in his wife, his children, and his 
home. At all times and in all places, in dress, 
and word, and deed, he shows himself a gentle- 
man. 

The management of sen ants is one of the 



Servants. 



29 



great problems of the age, for all excepting the 
very rich. 

The well-bred, sensible woman has plenty of 
tact along with her other virtues, and with tact 
a housekeeper can remove mountains — in the 
ways of domestic troubles. 

If many servants are kept of course each one 
has specified duties, but if only one or two, they 
are expected to manage the work with the as- 
sistance of the mistress. In a well-arranged 
household the work is systematized, so that even 
the single domestic can have her regular hours. 

The well-bred woman gives her servant a 
comfortable room, her afternoons " out," and 
hours for rest. She sees that she keeps no ob- 
jectionable company, goes to bed at a seasonable 
hour, and manifests a certain interest in her 
concerns. Wages are paid in full on the day 
they are due. In return, she expects her domes- 
tic to do her work well, to do it in time, to keep 
herself neat and clean. The well-bred mistress 
furnishes a plentiful supply of white aprons and 
caps, and she expects the domestic who attends 
to the door-bell and waits in the dining-room to 



3^ 



3n tfye ^ome Circle, 



wear these when on duty. Dirty hands, ill-kept 
hair, torn frocks are not tolerated. She is kind 
to her servants, greeting them pleasantly, but 
she never gossips to them, or before them, or 
allows them to retail to her any gossip or com- 
plaints of the people with whom they may have 
lived. Women of hopeless vulgarity have been 
known to " pump " their servants as to their 
former mistresses, and then retail these stories 
to other women as vulgar as themselves. Ser- 
vants who have been in the family for many 
years are allowed certain privileges not accorded 
to strangers, but even they must be made to 
keep their places. The best-bred people are 
not above exchanging a few words with their 
domestics as to the election, or the last big fire, 
but they know perfectly where to draw the line, 
and no familiarity is ever attempted with them. 
An impertinent servant is discharged at once. 
The well-bred woman does not reprove servants 
in anger, but she does so in a firm, dignified 
manner when reproof is necessary. She gives 
her orders kindly, plainly, positively. She re- 
members that " if you please " and " thank you" 



Servants. 



3i 



are little words easily said, which can make a 
hard duty appear easier to a tired domestic. 
Servants should address children as " Master 
George," or " Miss Ethel." Children should be 
taught to be considerate of the domestics and 
not to make extra work. 

Servants are human, extremely human some 
of them, and a sensible woman may take for 
granted that when they are with their friends 
they discuss the weaknesses, habits, manner of 
living, the visitors, the children, the table, etc. , 
etc., of their respective mistresses. Prudence, 
then, would dictate that family secrets be kept 
from the kitchen. Discharged servants have 
been known to be particularly vindictive, and 
anything but truthful in regard to the offending 
mistress. 



CbttDren, 



Their Manners. — Their Dress. — Their Amusements. — 
Grown-up Children. — Children One would Pre- 
fer Not to Know. — Children's Parties. — Debut in 
Society. — The Dancing=Class. 

HE well-bred mother begins to train both 
the manners and the morals of her chil- 
dren as soon as they are old enough to know any- 
thing. Her nursery is the sunniest, best venti- 
lated room in the house. It has bright paper, not 
at all aesthetic, but delightful to children, on the 
walls ; an open fireplace, with a brass wire screen 
all around it to prevent involuntary cremation. 
Each child has a separate bed ; plenty of toys 
a£e provided, not too costly to be played with 
anel taken to pieces at times by the embryo in- 
ventors. The good mother sees that her chil- 
dren say their night and morning prayers, that 
they have their daily bath, that they are warmly 
clad, that they are not frightened. She is never 

3* 




VTiannevc of Cbtlbren. 



33 



too busy to tell them stories, and in the guise of 
a nursery tale she teaches them of the great 
saints and the country's heroes whose deeds 
they must grow up to emulate. She remembers 
that as the twig is bent so grows the tree, and 
her twigs are trained toward the good, the 
noble, the true, the beautiful. Coarse pictures 
or books or language are never allowed to come 
to her children. She selects her nurse with 
more care than would be exercised by a Presi- 
dent in the choice of a cabinet minister. She 
is not severe, nor foolishly indulgent. She is 
firm, not cross. She does not punish one day 
and excuse the same fault the next. She does 
not punish because she is out of sorts herself. 
She exacts prompt obedience and absolute truth 
from her children. Her yes means Yes, her no 
means No. She is the confidant, the ready 
sympathizer, in all childish woes and troubles. 
To her children she is the ideal of all perfection. 

Manners of children. — The well-bred moth- 
er teaches her children to. observe the little 
courtesies as well as the big ones. They do not 

shout in the halls, slam the doors, race up and 
3 



34 



Cfytlbren. 



down stairs. They do not annoy the servants, 
enter the house with muddy feet, throw their 
hats and gloves on chairs and sofas for mamma 
to pick up and put in their places. They are 
trained to speak in a low tone, to show respect 
to their elders, to be polite to each other; they 
do not rush unbidden into the parlor when com- 
pany is present; they do not interrupt their 
mother in the middle of a sentence ; they do 
not climb over the best chairs with their feet; 
they know how to greet a stranger, how to ex- 
cuse themselves, how to answer a question; 
how to eat properly. The boys know when to 
raise their hats ; they do not allow their mother 
or father to carry a bundle, to pick up a news- 
paper, to move a chair, but are always ready to 
offer these little services. They do not use 
slang nor chew gum. They would not know 
how to be dishonorable or untruthful or wicked. 
The children of the well-bred, sensible woman 
are not priggish, nor mature, nor lifeless; on 
the contrary, they are a healthful, happy, merry, 
innocent, lovable little band. 

Children s dress, — The sensible mother does 



Oeir Dress— <grcmm=ltp Cbtlbren. 35 



not make walking fashion-plates of her children. 
Their clothes are comfortable and becoming, 
but neither costly nor showy. As a matter of 
fact, the children of the very rich are noted for 
their simplicity of attire : in summer, broad- 
brimmed hats, gingham frocks, spring-heeled, 
easy-fitting shoes; in winter, warm flannels and 
hoods may be seen on the heirs to millions. 
The mother who is moderately well off may put 
her children in silks and velvets, and clothes 
too fine to permit of any childish comfort, but 
no one mistakes her for a sensible woman. 
Children should not be made to wear faded or 
torn frocks, or unbecoming old-fashioned ones, 
or be clad noticeably different from their play- 
mates, but anything which might foster vanity 
should be avoided. A school-girl with silk 
frocks and diamond rings is to be pitied. 

Grown-up children. — Children who are not 
children, but merely small editions of grown 
people, lacking both the sense of maturity and 
the innocence of youth, form a sorrowful spec- 
tacle. Yet these grown-up children are not so 
through any fault of their own.' From the time 



36 



Cfytlbren. 



they could toddle they were allowed to be with 
grown people of all ages and conditions ; they 
listened to conversations not suited to childish 
ears, when the talkers thought them too small 
to hear or understand. When still in short 
frocks or knickerbockers they were allowed to 
read novels, love stories usually; not infre- 
quently some fool, a bigger fool than the usual 
fools, of her kind, twits them about their sweet- 
hearts and beaux, as if children should even 
know the meaning of the words. They are 
allowed to go to the theatre to see plays, not 
wrong in themselves, but wofully wrong for 
children. Newspapers are left lying around; 
sometimes children are even encouraged to read 
them — not selected articles only, but the whole 
paper, murders, scandals, and other crimes, 
everything. The boys know as much about 
the champion prize-fighter as they know about 
Washington, perhaps more. The girls study 
the fashion-plates, the styles in coiffures. With 
these poor unfortunates lessons in snobbery ate 
usually begun very early. They learn that one 
little girl must not be played with because her 



Ctftlbren 0ne VOoulb prefer Hot to Knots. 37 



people are not in society ; that another is not a 
desirable acquaintance because her grandfather, 
some forty years before she was born, was an 
errand boy. 

Among the children one would prefer not to 
know the grown-up child stands foremost. 
After her comes the spoiled child of an ill-bred 
mother; the child who rushes in when callers 
are in the parlor and insists on being noticed; 
who cuts his finger and screams for his mother 
at the most interesting point in the conversa- 
tion ; who eats at all hours and at all times, and 
who at the instigation of his maternal parent 
offers to shake hands with both hands smeared 
with bread and butter or candy. Then there is 
the knowing child who contradicts everything 
that is said; the whining child, always in 
trouble ; the stubborn child who persists in doing 
the things he is forbidden to do, and whose idiotic 
mother says admiringly to her friends : " Eddie 
has so much will power, he takes that after my 
family." There is the tale-bearing child who 
stays in at recess to whisper to the teacher of the 
misdeeds of his companions, or who goes home 



38 



Cfytlbrett. 



at night primed with these stories for the delec- 
tation of the home circle. If the tale-bearing 
variety be a girl, it does not take an astrologer 
to predict her future. She will soon develop 
into the grown-up child, and from that into the 
neighborhood news-carrier. Her nose will be 
long and pointed, her eyes small and keen, her 
lips very thin, almost colorless, and closely set 
after the prunes and prisms pattern. She will be 
inclined to be dyspeptic and pessimistic ; it is 
such a wicked world, people are so deceitful ; if 
it were not for herself and a few more like her, 
there is no telling what society would come to, 
etc., etc. These children do not exist in well- 
bred families, but unfortunately, owing to the 
capricious turn of the wheel of fortune, which 
is always throwing very ill-bred people into 
very good society, one occasionally meets them 
where least expected. 

The education of children, — Children of well- 
bred mothers are rarely seen by the friends of 
the family. They never appear at dinner or 
luncheon when visitors are present. They are 
not seen on their mother's reception days un- 



(Sbucatton. 



39 



less especially asked for by some old and inti- 
mate friend. They may be seen at a matinee 
with their mother or nurse or governess, or out 
walking or driving. They are given plain, 
wholesome food, sent to bed early, and early in 
the morning roused from their nap. 

They are expected to study and play and 
grow, and be happy. In the selection of a school 
the well* bred mother must exercise her judg- 
ment. She wants a school where the children 
of refined mothers like herself will be the com- 
panions of her darlings. She does not want her 
children to be snobs, but she wants them to have 
the companionship of children who are good 
and well-bred. She wants sensible, judicious 
teachers, and a sensible, thorough course of 
study. She insists on her children knowing 
their lessons, and obeying the rules ; she toler- 
ates no fault-finding and tale-bearing. If she is 
not satisfied with some matter connected with 
her children's education, she goes to the teacher, 
or person in authority, and states her objections, 
calmly, and as one gentlewoman should speak 
to another. 



4° 



£bttoren. 



She knows that the best of all training, the 
most important, is the home training, so she 
studies the dispositions and talents and weak- 
nesses of her children, corrects here, nips off 
there, strengthens in another direction. The 
good mother is a character builder. 

In the matter of accomplishments and special 
studies, the wise mother does not go against the 
natural bent of the child. She does not force a 
girl who has no ear for music to spend hours 
at the piano, or another who has no eye for 
painting to devote her time daubing in the 
studio. 

The children of the well-bred mother, when 
they are ready to enter society, and take their 
places in the workaday world, are well educated, 
well mannered, symmetrically developed — 
physically, mentally, spiritually — fitted, in a 
word, for their station. 

The amusements of children are not forgotten 
by the judicious mother. When possible she 
prefers the recreation which can be taken out of 
doors. The games which develop muscle and 
give plenty of fresh air are her favorites. Her 



dfytlbren's parties. 



4i 



little daughters learn the use of the needle in 
making frocks for their numerous dolls; the 
boys have tools and toy engines. Both girls 
and boys have plenty of books, books well se- 
lected. They read nothing not previously read 
by herself. Stories of adventure, books of 
travel, lives of great people, have the prefer- 
ence. She knows how to combine work and 
pleasure. In a word, people agree that her 
children have been extremely fortunate in their 
choice of a mother. 

Children s parties. — Children's parties keep 
to earlier hours than do those of older people. 
From seven until ten or from eight until eleven 
are the usual hours. Simple refreshments are 
served. Dancing or games form the amuse- 
ments. If it be a birthday party, a big cake with 
as many candles as the celebrant has numbered 
years is a prominent feature. Costume parties 
are the most enjoyable for children; if they can 
dress as a fairy, or as Mother Hubbard, Kate 
Greenaway or Puss in Boots, Cinderella or Red 
Riding Hood, they are happier than in the most 
elaborate attire as plain, every-day little girls. 



42 



dbtlbren. 



Pretty but inexpensive frocks should be worn 
to the ordinary party. 

Children are sent to the party with a maid, 
or their mother or father or elder brother escorts 
them there. They are called for at the hour 
named for closing. Usually some friends of 
the mother are invited to assist her in doing the 
honors to the little folk. 

Invitations are sent out in the name of the 
child. The prefix master or miss is omitted. 
Marguerite Curtis 
requests the pleasure of your company 
on her ninth birthday, 
Thursday, December twenty-eighth, 
from seven until ten. 
18 Canary Place. 

Dancing. 

The mother's card must be enclosed. 

Debut into society. — It is now the popular 
mode for a girl to be introduced in the after- 
noon at a "coming-out tea." The mother is- 
sues invitations to her friends, and provides the 
refreshments, etc.. as she would for any other 
afternoon reception. The debutante is gowned 



Debut into Society. 



43 



in white, and with her bouquets, sent by admir- 
ing friends of her own or of her parents, piled 
on a table or the piano near her, stands a little 
below her mother in the drawing-room. The 
guests enter, pay their respects to the mother, 
the names are then pronounced to the daughter, 
who makes her best courtesy and looks happy. 
Nothing very formidable is expected of her just 
yet. 

After the tea or reception, a dinner usually 
follows with the particular friends of the debu- 
tante as guests. If her parents are wealthy, a 
dancing-party may be given in a few weeks, 
either at home or at some public assembly 
rooms. Or the party may be omitted. After 
her 14 coming out" a girl is in society, ready to 
accept all the invitations _she chooses, and to 
dance and drive and chatter down the rose-col- 
ored path of fortunate maidenhood. 

The best-bred people, whether wealthy or 
otherwise, never omit some festivity to mark 
the formal introduction of their daughters into 
the realm of grown-up folk. 

Before their debut the daughters of well-bred. 



44 



Cfytlbren. 



sensible mothers are never seen at any social 
function ; their studies and the amusements of 
school-girls are supposed to absorb all their time. 

In crude communities girls are sometimes 
treated very much as young ladies, from the 
time they begin to lengthen their frocks and put 
away their dolls. Girls of fourteen go to par- 
ties with youths of nineteen ; attend large balls, 
and dance and flirt with men twice their age. 
Their mothers — well, their mothers are fools. 

The dancing-class for fashionable maidens 
forms the stepping-stone to society. These 
classes are organized and managed by a number 
of matrons who are friends, belonging to the 
same social set. They send out invitations to 
the sons and daughters of other friends to join 
it. Excepting that the hours are earlier and the 
toilets simple, these classes are very much like 
a regular party. The mothers and chaperons 
are in attendance, and every gaucherie or mis- 
take of their charges is noted and corrected 
after the party is over. Ease of manner and 
self-confidence are supposed to be acquired at 
these classes. 



Zbc Xlttle Courtesies. 



Every-Day Etiquette. — On Lifting the Hat. — Certain 
Rules. — Amateur Musicians. 

7|^ELL-BRED people bid each other " good- 
morning" and " good-night." If several 
are present, a general salutation does for all. 
Childien should be taught to give a special 
salutation to both father and mother. The 
younger or inferior person always greets the 
superior first. A few courteous words to an 
elderly person, an invalid, a stranger, or a visi- 
tor, as to how he is feeling, how he rested dur- 
ing the night, etc., are always appreciated. In 
passing before another, between another and 
the fire or a table, the well-bred person makes 
a slight bow and says, " I beg your pardon," or 
" Excuse me." 

The well-bred person does not sit while an 
older person or a superior is standing. A man 

45 



4 6 



(Ebe £ittle Courtesies. 



does not sit while a woman, of whatever age 
or rank, is standing. 

The easiest chair, or the most comfortable 
seat in a room, must be given to the most elder- 
ly or the most distinguished person present. 
Lounging, careless attitudes must be avoided in 
the presence of others. A stiff, awkward pos- 
ture must also be avoided. Crossing the limbs 
or feet, sprawling them under a table or on the 
floor, tilting a chair against the wall, touching 
the wall with the head, handling objects of bric- 
a-brac in the room, are all forbidden by the code 
of go^<d society. 

A person should not sing or play in company 
without being invited to do so ; when asked to 
play one should comply with the request at 
once, in a pleasant, obliging manner, or else 
refuse courteously but positively. The well- 
bred hostess does not insist, and the well-bred 
guest does not wait to be begged to contribute 
to the amusement of others if she possesses the 
ability. Only one selection should be given, 
unless a hearty encore follows, and after the 
second number the performer should positively 



€pery=X)ay (Etiquette. 



47 



give place to some one else. It is well to have 
one's auditors long for more rather than to 
weary them with too much — even of the best of 
music. The gentleman nearest a lady asked to 
sing or play escorts her to the piano and turns 
her music for her. 

It is considered better form not to use notes, 
but to memorize all selections ; however, some 
people find it very dirhcult to do this, and still 
cling to their music roll. No one ever takes 
her music to a social entertainment unless spe- 
cially requested to do so by the hostess. One of 
Thackeray's maidens always carried her music- 
roll, which was left in the dressing-room until 
wanted, and then brought down by an accom- 
modating maid after dinner, much to the amuse- 
ment, and sometimes the ill-natured pleasan- 
tries, of the less gifted or less conceited guests. 
A musician of real ability will never lack for 
opportunities to make use of her gifts, for a 
hostess is only too happy to have so welcome 
an addition to her party. At an informal gath- 
ering of true lovers of music an artist is con- 
ferring a favor by giving song after song, as 



4 8 



Cfye £tttle Courtesies, 



many as called for, but even then a halt should 
be made on the borders of satiety, and not be- 
yond. One should not play in hotel parlors or 
in public places unless specially requested, and 
not then if strangers be present. 

A request for music must come from the host- 
ess or superior person ; a young girl would not 
ask a matron to sing unless the request be 
couched in the language of a suppliant asking 
a great favor. A visitor may ask -for a little 
music. An accomplished musician will offer 
her services to play dance music for an infor- 
mal gathering; ordinarily she should not be 
asked. 

Eavesdropping — listening at keyholes or to 
conversation not intended to be overheard — 
banishes, and justly so, the offender from re- 
spectable society. " Pumping" family or per- 
sonal secrets from children or servants is hardly 
less despicable than stealing. 

A gentleman never permits a word deroga- 
tory to a woman to be spoken in his presence ; 
even if he know a bit of gossip to be true he 
will, as a man of honor, resent it. Some men, or 



€r)ery=Day (Etiquette. 



49 



beings who passed for men, have been known 
to boast of their conquests, even to show the 
letters written to them by foolish girls, but such 
conduct marked them as unmitigated cads. 
Men have also been known to utter compromis- 
ing insinuations against women who have re- 
fused their attentions, or bestowed merited snubs 
on them, but a horsewhip in the hands of an 
indignant relative has usually silenced their 
viperous tongues. 

A true man may not respect the individual, 
but he should respect the sex of a woman. 

Subjects of questionable delicacy, newspaper 
scandals, etc., should never be discussed be- 
tween men and women not members of the 
same family. Even a husband, father, or brother 
will hesitate about speaking of certain scandals 
before the dear ones at home. Coarse jests, 
words of double meaning are never uttered in 
refined society. 

A man or woman with the first principles of 
honor never reads a letter or written communi- 
cation found lying around the room, or forgot- 
ten in a book ; to be more plain, never reads a 



£be gtttle Courtesies. 



letter tinder any circumstances without the 
permission of the owner. Breaking a seal is a 
penitentiary offence. Parents may demand to 
see the letters about which they are suspicious 
written to their children, but they should not 
read them surreptitiously. Persons should be 
careful about showing letters; chatty friendly 
letters may be shown to intimate friends or 
members of the family, but letters containing 
anything which the writer might not care to 
have known should be carefully kept from other 
eyes, or, better still, destroyed. Some dishon- 
orable girls make a practice of showing their 
" love letters," but this is not usual. 

As a rule people should not ask to borrow 
books; if a desire is expressed to read a certain 
book and another offers to lend it, the offer may 
be accepted, if it be made with evident sin- 
cerity. Some people are only too glad to be 
able to give pleasure by the lending of books, 
exchanging magazines, etc. ; others prefer to 
keep their reading-matter in their own libraries. 
On the other hand, one should not insist on 
lending books, for many people prefer to read 



(£pery=Day (Etiquette. 



according to a system, or have all the reading- 
matter desired. A borrowed book must always 
be returned within a reasonable time, unless the 
owner expressly states that it ma}' be retained 
indefinitely. A borrowed book should never be 
lent to another; it should not be mutilated in 
any way, favorite passages must not be marked, 
nor pencilled comments put in the margin. In 
a word, the book must be returned in the same 
condition in which it was received. If an acci- 
dent happens to it, it must be replaced. 

If a borrowed book is returned by mail the 
postage must be fully prepaid, so as to avoid all 
expense or annoyance to the owner. 

Borrowing jewelry or wearing apparel of any 
kind is not permitted by the etiquette of good 
society. Sisters may exchange ornaments, but 
not strangers. 

The well-bred person on entering a room 
makes a slight bow at the door, and on leaving 
it she does not turn her back to the company, 
but goes out of the door " backward." She 
does this gracefully, and without any exagger- 
ated effort. 



52 (Etie £trtle Courtesies. 



Before entering a room one must always 
knock, and then wait for an invitation to " come 
in" from the occupant. Some people knock and 
immediately afterward turn the knob of the 
door. A detective is permitted to invade a pri- 
vate apartment in this way, but not people in 
private life. 

A yawn is never allowable in the presence of 
others, nor a sneeze if it can be stopped. When 
coughing or sneezing, the handkerchief is held 
to the mouth and the head slightly averted from 
the company. 

If necessary to blow one's nose, it should be 
done noiselessly, and with averted head. 

No one not a savage ever expectorates on the 
floor or the pavement, in a street-car, or any- 
where else but in the handkerchief. 

It is ill-bred to consult one's watch in 
company; if it is necessary to catch a train, 
or keep an important engagement, one must 
apologize for looking at the watch and tell the 
reason. 

Well-bred people do not gesticulate unduly 
in conversation ; restrained intensity, absolute 



£tferysDay (Sttcjuette. 



53 



self-control, is considered the perfection of good 
form. 

Women must not kiss each other, even their 
dearest friends, in public. 

When three are walking abreast it must be re- 
membered that the middle is the place of honor. 

A man always carries all bundles for a woman, 
or for his father, or for any one much older 
than himself. 

It is not polite to offer another one's own chair 
unless it be the most comfortable chair in the 
room. 

In going upstairs a man precedes ladies ; in 
coming down the reverse is in order, the ladies 
descending first. 

In going to seats in a theatre the man goes 
first, followed by the ladies he is escorting; on 
reaching the seats he stands aside and lets them 
pass in, he himself occupying the outer seat 
always. He also occupies the outer seat in a 
family pew in church. The origin of this rule 
can be traced to the days of warfare, when the 
men were required to be ready to defend their 
loved ones from attack. 



54 



Cbe £tttle Courtesies 



In entering a room a lady goes first, followed 
by her husband or escort. She never enters 
leaning on his arm. 

On entering a street-car. train, or steamboat, 
a lady goes first, and is followed by her escort; 
on leaving a car the man precedes and waits to 
assist the ladies in his care. 

Persons wishing to enter a train or street-car 
should wait until those leaving it are out; when 
one set is trying to get out, and another set to 
get in, the consequences are sometimes disas- 
trous. 

The well-bred man does not whistle on the 
street, wear his hat cocked over his eyes or on 
one side of his head; he does not thrust his 
hands in his pockets, smoke in private offices, 
cross his limbs in the presence of ladies; he 
does not chew tobacco. He understands the 
proper use of a handkerchief. He does not 
cough or sneeze in company if it can pos- 
sibly be avoided. If necessary, he always 
turns his head to one side, and away from the 
person with whom he is conversing. He knows 
that by holding his breath or by pressing his 



<£r>ery=Pay Etiquette. 



55 



finger on his upper lip a sneeze may generally 
be smothered. 

He does not have his boots polished on the 
street. He knows that his private apartment is 
the place for performing all toilet duties, and 
he does not attempt to turn a public thorough- 
fare into a private dressing-room. 

He never picks his teeth in public, even be- 
fore members of his own family. He was taught 
as a boy how very rude it is to pick his nose or 
ears or smooth his hair or touch his face in the 
presence of others, and he has never forgotten 
the lessons. He does not even stroke his mus- 
tache, unless in rare moments of absorption. 

His hands are always clean, his finger-nails 
well cared for; but he does not perform his 
manicuring operations in public. 

He never appears at table in dressing-gown 
and slippers even though his wife be the only 
one present. Worse still, he never thinks of 
sitting down to a meal in his shirt-sleeves. He 
does not scold his children before the servants, 
nor the servants before the children. 

He is always deferential, to his wife, espe- 



56 



£fye £tttle Courtesies, 



cially before the children and servants, and cer- 
tainly before strangers. 

He does not walk with a slouching, slovenly 
gait, as if he had been detected stealing. He 
is straight, direct, and dignified. 

He does not beat a tattoo with his fingers or 
his knife on the table or the dish. He does not 
permit his mouth to remain open. He opens it 
when he has something to say or something to 
eat. An open mouth, besides being very in- 
jurious to the teeth and health, indicates a fee- 
ble character. He does not talk to himself, 
smile at nothing, laugh uproariously, or speak 
in a rough, loud tone. 

He does not slap a friend on the back, punch 
him in the ribs. 

He does not look over the shoulder of 
another. He does not twirl his chair when 
talking. 

A man raises his hat when he bows to an 
acquaintance, especially to a lady or an elderly 
gentleman. 

When a lady with whom he is walking or 
conversing bows to an acquaintance, either lady 



(Dn gifting the Bat. 



57 



or gentleman, he lifts his hat although the per- 
son be an titter stranger to him. 

When he is with another gentleman who 
salutes a lady he also raises his hat. When he 
salutes a gentleman who is with ladies he must 
raise his hat. When he himself is with a lady 
and salutes a man he knows he raises his hat. 

If the first rule of always lifting the hat when 
meeting an acquaintance were observed, some 
of the others would be superfluous. The point 
to be emphasized is, that whatever salute he 
may consider sufficient for a man, all salutes in 
the presence of women, either with him or with 
his friend, or met casually, must be accompa- 
nied with a lift of the hat. 

A man lifts his hat when he offers any 
civility, as picking up a bundle, raising a 
window, answering a question, stepping aside 
for another to pass, giving up his seat in a 
street-car, etc. If he brushes against a person, 
either a stranger or an acquaintance, he must 
apologize and lift his hat. 

In receiving an apology he must also lift his 
hat. 



58 



(Efjc £tttle Courtesies. 



Of course, he lifts his hat when parting from 
a lady, at her home, in the street, or anywhere 
they may chance to be. The best-bred men 
raise their hats when parting from any one — wo- 
man or man. 

He removes his hat with the hand farthest 
from the lady or the person he is saluting. If 
the person be on his left, he raises his hat with 
his right hand; if on his right, with his left 
hand. 

If the person saluted be an old friend who is 
likely to shake hands he lifts his hat with his 
left hand so as to have his right free to receive 
the greeting. 

A gentleman removes his hat when he enters 
a private office, in an elevator when there are 
ladies present, in the private corridors of a hotel 
or apartment house, in the theatre, and of 
course the moment he enters a private house. 

He may keep it on in a shop, in the lobby of 
a theatre, in a hotel corridor, or in an elevator 
where there are only men, in a picture gallery, 
at a promenade concert. 

In Europe a man lifts his hat on meeting a 



©it lifting tfje Bat. 



59 



funeral cortege. A Catholic raises his hat when 
passing a church, or when meeting a clergyman. 
At a grave men stand with bared heads, although 
if the day be cold many clergymen tell them to 
resume their hats. 

As a rule, a man may wear his hat anywhere 
in the open air. 



An Conversation, 



The Use of Words.— Personal Questions. — Tact in Con- 
versation. — Mistakes to be avoided. 

/^HE art of speaking and writing one's own 
language correctly does not belong to a 
manual which aims to treat of manners and 
social usages. However, there are many sins 
in speech against good manners which are not 
sins against grammar. 

The well-bred woman in conversation avoids 
all personalities of a disagreeable nature. She 
avoids ill-natured remarks, however witty they 
may be. She speaks no evil of any one. If she 
has nothing good to say she keeps silent. The 
exceptions to this rule are where the misdeeds 
of a public official are generally known. 

It is ill-bred to ask a person his age ; it is un- 
pardonable to put this question to a woman; 
to interrupt another's speech ; to say, after the 

close of a story, " You told me that before." A 

60 



personal (Questions. 



61 



charming woman confessed to her confidential 
friend that she had heard Boredom's pet story 
just fifteen times in the past three years. Yet 
she listens, and smiles at each repetition. It is 
ill-bred to question the veracity of a statement ; 
if the assertion be a grave one a listener may 
say : " I beg your pardon, but would you mind 
telling me your authority for this story? It seems 
so strange to me that I cannot help thinking that 
you have been misinformed;" or any phrase in 
which both courtesy and truth are included. One 
may never say bluntly, "That is not true," in 
polite society. At the same time, it is cowardly 
to remain silent when one's church, or party, or 
nation, or friend is slandered. The well-bred 
person remembers that there is the courteous 
way of making a correction, and the rude, 
blunt way. 

Personal questions are always ill-bred. One 
never knows who has a grim skeleton in the 
closet at home, or what thoughtless question 
may prove very embarrassing to answer. 

" How long has your husband been dead?" 
asked a girl of a matron supposed to have lost 



62 



3n Conversation. 



her husband in death, but who had in reality- 
lost him in the divorce-courts. 

" Why, I should think you would want to go 
home for the holidays," said a girl to a com- 
panion at a boarding-school who was to spend 
her vacation at the school. The girl in ques- 
tion, being a proud girl, and not given to telling 
her family affairs to every one, had kept to her- 
self the fact that she possessed a stepmother 
with whom she did not agree, and who had for- 
bidden her the house, so that practically she 
was homeless. 

Only a woman with a very low mind and 
very common manners will seek to know the 
financial status of a friend, at least by di- 
rect questioning. One's family affairs and 
one's income are matters which are purely 
personal. 

Theologians say that one is not obliged to 
answer when questioned about personal mat- 
ters. Without telling a direct untruth, one may 
always answer in a way that will not reveal 
one's own personal secrets. An ex-convict, for 
instance, would not be compelled to admit that 



tLad in Conversation. 



63 



he had been in the penitentiary. But these 
matters belong to ethics. 

The well-bred woman uses tact in asking 
questions ; a question may be very unpleasant, 
or it may convey the subtlest kind of flattery. 
If another voluntarily tells about his family, or 
plans, hopes, and ambitions, the well-bred wo- 
man listens attentively and with a show of 
interest. 

It is ill-bred to talk " shop" in general conver- 
sation. Physicians, lawyers, merchants, brokers, 
leave their professions and their business at 
their offices and counting-rooms when they 
enter society ; on the other hand, they should 
not be afraid to speak of subjects connected 
with their profession or business when the in- 
terest of the company happens to centre in 
them. If a strike on a railroad be the engross- 
ing subject in the daily papers, a railroad presi- 
dent at a dinner party would probably be asked 
a great many questions which would savor dis- 
tinctly of the " shop." 

Common sense should rule here, as in every- 
thing else. 



64 



3n (£ont>ersatton. 



It is considered the prerogative of a superior 
to introduce a subject of conversation, or change 
the subject. It would be very ill-bred for a 
girl listening to a conversation on literature to 
break in with a remark on sleigh-riding or a 
new. style of gown. 

In Europe this rule is more strictly enforced 
than with us. 

It is ill-bred to speak of a matter in a general 
company which can only be known to a few; 
for one to make an allusion to something known 
only to one or two, and then to laugh heart- 
ily. The point of the joke must be explained 
to all. In a word, a conversation which ex- 
cludes some members of a company is always 
ill-bred. 

Avoid long-winded, tedious stories; to tell a 
story well is an art. 

Avoid monopolizing a conversation. A good 
listener is appreciated quite as much as a good 
talker. Listen with interest, real or simulated ; 
a bored, heard-it-all-before expression is a veri- 
table wet blanket to the most ardent of story- 
tellers. 



Cact in Conversation. 



65 



Do not talk across any one, either at table or 
elsewhere. Do not whisper in company. 

Women, in conversation with other women, 
should avoid all expressions even suggestive of 
coarseness, or with a double meaning. The 
allusions, insinuations, jests, suspicions, coarse 
stories, which some vulgar-minded women in- 
dulge in ought to subject them to the rack with- 
out trial. A pure-minded woman may always 
leave the room when such a conversation be- 
gins, and if the other is offended so much the 
better. 

Slander, gossip, and coarseness mark the low 
woman more surely than the red flag marks the 
plague. 

In speech. — There are certain forms of expres- 
sion which, while grammatically correct, are 
never heard in refined society. Usage has as- 
signed certain phrases for certain occasions, and 
to substitute others shows a want of breeding. 

Slang in all its forms is always forbidden to 
the well-bred woman. Exclamations are also 
bad form. 

" Land sakes ! Oh, dear! Dear me! Oh, my! 

5 



66 



3n Conversation. 



Gracious ! Goodness me ! Sakes alive ! You are 
not in it! I don't catch on! What's his racket 
now? That's too thin ! What are you giving us?" 
These are some current expressions sometimes 
heard on the lips of women, never on the tongues 
of ladies. Surprise, consternation, indignation 
may all be expressed without the use of ex- 
clamatory phrases. Ah! and Oh! are allowed 
in good society. " Is that so !" is an expression 
often used by ill-bred, ignorant, or thoughtless 
people. It is an insult to one's entertainer 
to question his veracity. 

A street gamin, should he fail to understand 
a remark, might say, " What did you say?" or 
"I didn't hear you," or "What's that?" but the 
well-bred person would say, " I beg your par- 
don," with a slightly rising inflection. This 
phrase, " I beg your pardon," does duty on many 
occasions: When one fails to understand and 
wishes a remark repeated ; when necessary to 
pass before another; as a preface to asking a 
question of a stranger ; if it should be necessary 
to interrupt a conversation; when one has 
stepped on a woman's gown or caused any 



mistakes to be Ctnotbeb. 



6 7 



inconvenience to another; when one wishes to 
correct an erroneous statement, etc. 

The phrase, "Excuse me," is not generally 
used. 

In acknowledging a favor or a service one says 
"Thank you," never "Thanks." " Thanks" is 
both curt and rude. 

Do not say, " Do I intrude?" but, " I fear that 
I am intruding." An affirmative answer to the 
question would be rude, and a negative one 
might not be true. 

The well-bred woman speaks in low chest 
tones, never in a loud or nasal key from the 
head or throat. She pronounces her words dis- 
tinctly, does not drawl, nor affect a strange 
accent. She uses words appropriate to the 
thought; she does not drag in far-fetched ex- 
pressions, big words for little ideas ; she is not 
given to circumlocution. She avoids vulgarity 
on the one hand and prudery on the other. 

She never screams, laughs loud, giggles, or 
pitches her voice so as to be heard in the garret. 
If uncertain as to the pronunciation of a word 
she looks in the dictionary. She does not stut- 



68 



3n Conversation. 



ter nor stammer, nor run her words together, 
nor drag them apart. She neither repeats a 
word nor an idea. She avoids the expressions, 
" says I," " as I was saying." 

She does not drop the final consonants, and say 
" goin ! " for " going ;" " dinin' " for " dining," etc. 

She never indulges in the crowning vulgarity 
of "'gentleman friend," " lady friend." She 
lets the form of her sentence determine the sex. 

She prefers the terms, "'man and woman" to 
" gentleman and lady," Washerwomen and bar- 
bers have acquired a monopoly in the latter 
terms. 

The expressions, " She is a charming woman ;" 
" He is a man whom I like very much," are prefer- 
able to u She is a charming lady ;" " He is a gen- 
tleman whom I like very much." 

The term " gentlewoman " is always to be pre- 
ferred to 11 lady." 

" Salesman " and " saleswoman " are the correct 
terms, not " salesgentleman " and " saleslady." 

" Folk," and not "folks," is the proper term. 
" How are all the folks"" is a common expres- 
sion, but it is not a correct one. 



mistakes to be Ctsotbeb. 



6 9 



" Male " and " female " may be used in connec- 
tion with animals, but never when speaking of 
men and women. 

A gentleman speaks of his trousers, or panta- 
loons, never of his pants. 

" Waistcoat" is preferred to " vest." 

The abbreviation " gent," or " gents," is insuf- 
ferably vulgar under all circumstances. 

Doctor Oliver Wendell Holmes objects to 
the use of " Yes?" with an interrogation point 
after it, and spoken with the rising inflection. 
However, this is very common. It really con- 
veys a doubt as to the veracity of one's com- 
panion. 

The well-bred woman does not say, " Yes, 
ma'am," or "Yes, sir"; but "Yes, Mr. Blank," 
"Yes, Mrs. Blank." In speaking to a stranger 
one says, "Yes, madam," even to a young girl, 
never, "Yes, miss." 

The well-bred woman does not make half a 
dozen adjectives do duty on all occasions. She 
does not say that the Yosemite Valley is " nice ;" 
that a baby, a poodle, a man, a flower, a house, 
a reception, a river, the moonlight, a snow- 



70 



3rt Cormersatton. 



storm, are all "nice." Her adjectives agree 
with the subject. The well-bred woman does 
not say she is sick unless she means nausea or 
sea-sickness ; she speaks of being ill or unwell, 
or indisposed. 

Sick-bed, sick-room, sick-calls are recognized 
as correct forms of expression, but " sick" is not, 
although its use is very common. 

Food is wholesome or unwholesome when it 
is considered in its effects on the person partak- 
ing of it. Healthy or unhealthy refers to its 
own condition. It would be an insult to say at 
a gentleman's table that the roast beef was un- 
healthy, for it would imply that he purchased 
diseased meat. 

The well-bred woman speaks of a man who 
was hanged, of a picture which was hung. 

The word " genteel " is not in her vocabulary. 
Its use is a vulgarism whether in regard to per- 
sons or things. 

She never uses the word " fellow" in speaking 
of a man of her acquaintance. Some uncivilized 
maidens have been known to speak of their 
" fellers " when they meant their admirers — if 



mistakes to be Ctrotbeb. 



7i 



any one could admire a girl who used such 
language. 

The well-bred woman never says " party" or 
"parties" when she means individuals. She 
might speak of a party of huntsmen, a party of 
girls, etc., but she would never say, "I know 
the party, and can answer for his honesty." 
meaning that she knows the man about whom 
information is wanted. 

She does not refer to a person, especially to 
one older than herself, as "he" or "she." She 
repeats the name. 

The well-bred woman does not speak of " stop- 
ping" at a place, but of "staying" there; she 
" stays " all night at a hotel ; she does not " stop " 
all night unless, like some uneasy ghost, she 
wanders from room to room spending a few 
minutes in each. 

She does not use the phrase, "have got." 
Usage sanctions it. but philology does not. She 
does not use " quantity" for number. It is cor- 
rect to speak of a quantity of oats, but not of a 
quantity of people. 

The well-bred woman does hot use the word 



72 



3tt Conrersatton. 



" mad " for " angry." A person who has lost his 
wits is insane or mad: a person who has merely 
lost his temper is angry. 

She does not say " posted" for " well-informed." 
Ledgers are posted, but one's mind is not. A 
woman who says, " I am not posted in history." 
betrays her ignorance of two subjects instead of 
one — grammar as well as history. 

The well-bred woman is not ashamed to ac- 
knowledge that there are some standard books 
which she has not read, and a few things that 
she does not know. A person could not read 
all the books which are worth reading in a 
thousand years. Mrs. Leonard Hill tells us of 
the old woman who said that she liked Romeo, 
but had never read Juliet. 

The well-bred woman does not attempt to 
give information on subjects with which every 
educated person is supposed to be familiar. 
An old gentleman once entertained (?) a dinner 
party with a history of the American Revolution. 

The well-bred person does not ask about 
"your wife" or " your husband." but inquires 
for " Mrs. Blank" or " Mr. Blank." 



mistakes to be Ctcotbeb. 



7 3 



Neither is it good form to speak of " my wife" 
or "my husband," ordinarily. "Mr. Blank" or 
" Mrs. Blank" is the term of address to strangers, 
" Kate" or " George" to intimates and relatives. 

The well-bred woman says, " Good-morning/' 
" Good-day," to her friends, but never " Good- 
evening " until after sunset. In the South 
it was formerly "good-evening" after twelve 
o'clock. 

The well-bred woman studies her grammar 
and her rhetoric to learn how to form her sen- 
tences correctly ; she consults the dictionary as 
to the proper pronunciation of her words. 



at tbe XOntntflsBesfc. 



Correct Stationery. — Modes of Address. — Letters of In- 
troduction. — Notes. — Prudence at the Writing- 
Desk. — On Certain Mistakes. 



N old rule, which has been adopted by 



J many sensible people, is " not to put any- 
thing on paper which the world might not see." 
Of course, in the case of business letters, the 
letters of a wife to a husband or a husband to a 
wife, or between members of a family, this rule 
is abrogated, but letters to friends, however 
intimate, had better contain too little than too 
much. 

Be careful what you write. " Think twice 
before you speak and a thousand times before 
you write , ' ' some one has said. According to that 
rule there would be few letters written ; how- 
ever, prudence should preside over the writing- 
desk of every one. The friend may be the soul 
of honor, but her servants or members of her 




"4 



Correct Stationery. 



75 



family may not be ; again, the friend so dear 
now may become but the indifferent acquaint- 
ance ; she may marry and confide your secrets 
to her husband. Trust only those known to 
be trustworthy. We all hate and despise a 
cautious, suspicious person, but a letter once 
dispatched is beyond the control of the writer. 

But these things belong to the teacher of 
morals, not to the teacher of manners. The 
regulations for well-bred people at the writing- 
desk are : N 

Use good black ink. Purple, blue, rose col- 
ored, or pale ink is not allowed. 

Use thick, plain, white, unruled paper, with 
envelopes to match. 

Tinted paper, paper with lines on it, thin 
paper, unless it be of a certain French grade, 
half-sheets of paper, although only a half- 
dozen words are to be written, are all bad form. 
So-called novelties in stationery are shown by 
even first-class stationers, but refined people 
leave them severely alone. Cream-white and 
the milk-white paper, of late lavender, are all 
that their desk ever sees. 



7 6 



at tfye rDrttm^Desk, 



Write legibly ; the angular style of penman- 
ship is all that is now seen on the letters of the 
fashionable woman. Any other kind marks the 
writer as old-fashioned. 

It is usual to have one's address engraved at 
the top of the page. That is, the number and 
name of the street, not the city, as " 522 Fifth 
Avenue. " 

Persons who own country houses always keep 
a supply of stationery for their own use and 
the use of their guests, with the name of the 
place engraved at the top, as: " Sea View, Long 
Island;" " Craig Mawr, Mackinac." 

In regard to the date, fashion changes. It 
may be given at the upper right-hand corner, 
or at the lower left-hand corner, at the close. 
Some adopt the first mode for letters and the 
latter for notes. Others again date all their 
communications at the close. 

Conservative people seal their letters with 
sealing-wax and a seal, and this is good style, 
and one which is always elegant and in good 
taste. The wax should not be scattered over 
the envelope and the seal imperfectly made. 



Correct Stationery. 



77 



Another style is to have the monogram or the 
initials engraved at the top of the page. 

A coat-of-arms is not usual in America. Many 
families who are really entitled to them refrain 
from their use, simply because any one of the 
same name is at liberty to purchase the crest at 
a herald's office, and, as a matter of fact, many 
crests sported on carriages and stationery were 
obtained in just this way. However, this is a 
matter of personal taste. A certain gentleman 
went into a herald's office to get a coat-of-arms, 
and as he possessed rather a common name two 
or three designs were given him to choose from. 
He now emblazons a crest which may be used by 
butchers, bakers, and candlestick-makers with- 
out number, who have the same name, and pre- 
sumably have the same right to the crest. 
Many of the old American families really pos- 
sess their coats-of-arms, received by right of in- 
heritance, not purchased. 

A business letter should be prefaced with the 
name and address of one's correspondent. 

In addressing a firm, corporation, or company 
the plural form " Messrs." should be prefixed, 



78 



at tfje tDrttmgsDesk. 



thus: Messrs. Clarke, Cox, and Co., St. Louis. 
Then the letter begins: " Gentlemen," and not 
" Dear Sirs." 

When writing a business letter to one person 
the letter begins, " Dear Sir," or " My dear Sir. 1 
If " My dear Sir" is used, the " dear" must not 
be written capital, but with a small d. " Dear 
Sir," of course takes a capital D. Formerly 
"Dear Sir" was considered the more formal 
address for strangers. At the present time a 
letter to a stranger, according to the best usage, 
begins, "My dear Sir," "My dear Madam," the 
possessive pronoun being merely a form under- 
stood by every one. 

A friendly letter begins: My dear Cora; 
Dear Kate; My dear Mrs. French; My dear 
Mr. Black ; My dear Miss Brown. 

"Dear Friend," should never be used. The 
forms, " My dear Husband," " My dear Wife," are 
considered somewhat old-fashioned. 

In writing to intimates or near relatives the 
degree of intimacy and the individuality of the 
writers, of course, determine the mode of ad- 
dress. " My dear Boy"; " My dear old Chum"; 



Htobes of Ctboress. 



79 



44 My dear Norris"; "Jerry, old Boy," are some 
of the forms used by a bright university student 
when writing to his college friends. " My pre- 
cious little Mother," writes one girl; " My darl- 
ing Daddy," writes another; " Papa's dear little 
Nuisance," writes a fond father to a bewitching 
belle who had telegraphed for more funds. 
These familiar and affectionate addresses, 
so natural to some, would be impossible to 
others. The heart and the individuality must 
dictate here. " Gladys, dear," begins a woman 
who hates set forms in intercourse with her 
friends. 

In writing formal letters formalities must be 
observed. A letter not intended as an insult 
never begins with " Sir ;" or simply, " Mr. Smith ;" 
there must always be some complimentary ad- 
dress. 

No one should put " Dear Miss," even in writ- 
ing to an unmarried girl; "Dear Madam" is 
the form always in a business letter; from, an 
acquaintance "My dear Miss Morris" would 
be the correct form ; from an intimate friend 
or relative, " My dear Constance." . 



So 



at the &^rttmg=Desk. 



A man once sent a note of invitation to a young 
lady something after this style : 

Miss Blank : May I have the pleasure of 
escorting yon to the theatre Thursday evening? 

" Yours respectfully.'" 

It need scarcely be added that he was a self- 
made man who had been so busy making money 
that he had no time to make his manners. 

A business letter to a superior or to a total 
stranger ends, " Yours respectfully," but from an 
acquaintance, even though it be a business let- 
ter. " Yours very cordially," " Yours very truly," 
" Truly yours," " Sincerely yours." " Yours very 
sincerely," are the correct forms. And a friendly 
letter or note from a gentleman to a young lacy, 
or from one woman to another, should always 
end with one of these complimentary closings. 

In a friendly letter the full name should be 
signed, and not the initials. Thus a man writ- 
ing to his tailor would sign himself, " R. H. Tur- 
pin," but in writing to a friend he would put 
" Richard H. Turpin." 

In writing a friendly letter avoid anything 



prubence at tfje lDrttmg=DesR. 81 



like set forms. " Your welcome letter of the 20th 
inst., received a few days ago," etc., written to 
a friend, would mark the writer at once as de- 
void both of originality and good taste. 

" Write as you would talk, but as you would 
talk at your best," is a good rule for a friendly 
letter. 

Avoid details that are uninteresting, or facts 
that everybody knows. 

To write a good letter is an art which few, 
comparatively, acquire; and, like other arts, it 
must conceal all signs of art. The long and 
long-winded epistles of our great-grandfathers 
would seem absurd in our time. The French 
and the Americans are said to excel in letter- 
writing. 

"Mr.," "Mrs.," "Miss" should not be pre- 
fixed to one's own name. If it be neces- 
sary to make known the title one may say : 
Please address "Mrs. J. H. Browning," but she 
would sign her letters: " Mary Browning. 1 ' 

A letter to a married woman must be addressed 
with the name and initials of her husband — 
thus: "Mrs. Robert Kingman," or " Mrs. R. L. 

6 



82 



at the rDritmq=Desk. 



Kingman;" never to her by the title of her hus- 
band, as " Mrs. Doctor Brown," " Mrs. Judge Nor- 
ris." This is often done, especially in rural 
places, but it is distinctly bad form. In address- 
ing an invitation to both husband and wife the 
proper form would be, " Dr. and Mrs. J. T. 
Jones," " Judge and Mrs. P. K. Brown." 

In writing to the head of the eldest branch of 
a family or to his wife, the initials may be 
omitted: " Mr. and Mrs. Arbre," instead of " Mr. 
and Mrs. T. W. Arbre." 

But to the younger or cadet branches of a 
family the initials must always be given. 

In addressing a dignitary either of Church or 
State the proper titles must not be omitted. 

"The Right Reverend " for a Bishop; "The 
Most Reverend" for an Archbishop; " The Rev- 
erend" for a clergyman. If he be a Doctor of 
Divinity, " D.D." must be added after the name, 
as: "The Reverend Joseph Blank, D.D." The 
abbreviation " Rev." should not be used. A Sen- 
ator, Member of Congress or of the Legislature, 
a Judge, a Mayor, etc., require an " Honorable" 
before their names, as : " Hon. Maurice Conway." 



prubence at % tt)riting=Dcsk. 



83 



After a Congressman's name the initials " M. C." 
(Member of Congress) are added ; as : " Hon. 
L. H. Clark, M. C." 

Military and naval titles must be given, with 
the initials U. S. A. for the army, and U. S. N. 
for the navy, after the name. 

" Esq." is used after the name of a civilian, 
but " Mr." and " Esq." are never used together. 

A letter should not be addressed to a prelate 
" Bishop Smith," nor to a clergyman " Doc- 
tor Brown," nor to an official " Senator Strong," 
" Mayor Barnes." 

The President or a Governor of a State is ad- 
dressed as " His Excellency." 

An envelope must be directed legibly, with- 
out blots. The address must be written hori- 
zontally across the envelope and not diagonally, 
as is sometimes done. A space is allowed at 
the left of the address ; the State is in the lower 
right-hand corner, not the lower left-hand cor- 
ner, as is sometimes seen. If the letter be of 
extreme importance a line may be written across 
the left end, asking for its return in case it is 
not called for within a specified time. A stamp 



8 4 



at the IDritm^Desfc. 



must be placed in a horizontal position on the 
upper right-hand corner. A stamp put on 
crooked, or upside down, or, worse still, on the 
wrong corner, shows a want of good breeding. 
Neither must the stamp be forgotten. 

Envelopes which may be purchased at the 
post-office already stamped are never used by 
well-bred people. 

A business letter which concerns one's self 
alone must be accompanied with a self-addressed 
and stamped envelope ; at the least, a stamp must 
be enclosed. 

Letters must be answered promptly. 

A letter received in answer to another letter 
does not require a reply unless a regular corre- 
spondence is desired. 

There are certain occasions on which letters 
must be written : letters of condolence to friends 
in trouble ; letters of congratulation after an en- 
gagement is announced, a marriage, a birth, an 
election to office. 

A bride must write notes of thanks to all who 
send her presents ; a guest after her return 
home must write to her hostess expressing the 



ietters of 3tttrobucfton. 



8S 



pleasure the visit afforded her, and to show that 
she has reached home in safety. Many people, 
instead of notes of congratulation or condo- 
lence, use the telegraph, and their dispatches 
are reckoned models of their kind. Anonymous 
letters are never written, excepting by cowardly 
curs. " Never write a letter when you are 
angry; avoid a too constant use of the capi- 
tal I," are two rules given by an old gentleman, 
who had seen much of the world, to his son, 

A letter of introduction should be short and 
complimentary, but not given to fulsome flat- 
tery. The style and tone will depend on the 
degree of intimacy of the writer with the person 
seeking the letter of introduction, or with the 
person to whom it is addressed; again whether 
the letter be for purposes of business or of 
society. 

A letter of introduction is, of course, never 
sealed, and is supposed to be read by the person 
who is the subject of it. 

A person carrying a letter of introduction 
sends it with his card bearing his hotel address; 
he then waits for the resident to call. 



86 



at tfje tt>rtttttg=X>esk. 



A person should not .be too ready to give a let- 
ter of introduction. 

A letter sent by another, if an equal, must be 
left unsealed. The forms, " Addressed," Kind- 
ness of Mr. Blank," etc., are no longer used. 

A mother who wanted plain sewing to do sent 
her petition by her son, and wrote on the corner 
of the envelope, " Politeness of Augustus." The 
peals of laughter with which this missive was 
greeted could be heard from garret to cellar. 

For notes some women use plain cards which 
just fit into large square envelopes. 

Abbreviations have no place in a letter ; under- 
scoring should be avoided, unless the sentence 
so emphasized be really of great importance. 
Punctuation and spelling should be carefully 
attended to. Some people punctuate only by 
periods and dashes, ignoring commas, semico- 
lons, and interrogation points. 

"Love letters are like mushrooms," said a 
worldly-wise old cynic. " They should be in- 
dulged in sparingly, and prepared with care." 
A woman's letter should contain too little en- 
dearment rather than too much. For a well- 



Hotes. 



87 



bred person there does not exist even the possi- 
bility of her letters ever figuring in a breach of 
promise suit, yet the foolish, silly letters which 
have made their way from the courts into every 
newspaper in the land ought to be a warning 
to every one to take care in writing a love letter 
There is a tenderness which is manly and there 
is also a tenderness' which is maudlin ; one should 
be able to distinguish the difference. 

In -regard to friendly letters from a man to a 
girl, opinions differ. There is no impropriety 
in a friendly correspondence, provided the girl's 
mother or guardian knows and approves. 

It is not usual, however, for the correspond- 
ence to be a regular one. 

No well-bred girl will make a practice of writ- 
ing to men even the most prudent and colorless 
of letters. But on the other hand, if occasion 
arises for a letter, or rather a note, she will not 
hesitate to write it. There are instances of a most 
delightful friendly correspondence between men 
and women, but there are more instances, on the 
part of the woman at least, where the correspond- 
ence became anything but a pleasant memory. 



Calls* 



Visiting-Cards. — First Calls. — Necessary Calls. — Man- 



ISITING-cards are among the indispen- 



^ sables to every one not a hermit. A 
lady's card should be of fine, white unglazed 
pasteboard, with her name engraved in small 
script; her address may be put in the lower 
right-hand corner — that is, the number and 
street or the name of her country house, never 
the name of the city in which she lives. Should 
she reside in a small town, or in a suburban 
neighborhood, this may be put on her card, but 
in no case is the name of the State allowed. 
Some seasons the cards are unusually large, and 
almost square ; the size varies from time to time. 

The reception day may be engraved in the 
lower left-hand corner. 

The prefix " Mrs." or " Miss" should never be 
omitted. 



ners when Calling. 




88 



t)tstttrtg=<£arbs. 



8 9 



A married lady's card should read: 

Mrs. Henry Brown, Mrs. Henry J. Brown, 
Mrs. H. J. Brown, Mrs. Brown, or Mrs. Henry 
Brown, Junior. 

A widow may either retain her husband's 
name or initials, or use her own Christian name. 
Thus: Mrs. Elizabeth Wilson, or Mrs. John 
Wilson, or Mrs. Elizabeth Brockden Wilson. 
Should her oldest son bear his father's name 
there is apt to be confusion where the mother 
retains her married name. If he is married the 
mother would put u Mrs. John Wilson, Sen." on 
her cards. A young lady has on her card " Miss 
Wilson," if she be the eldest of the daughters ; 
" Miss Juliet Wilson," should she have an older 
sister. If she belongs to a cadet branch of a 
family she must still put her Christian name, 
although she be the eldest, if there be a young 
lady in the elder branch, who would naturally 
be Miss Wilson. 

A gentleman's card is smaller than a lady's, 
but it must also be engraved and give the prefix 
to his name. Exceptions are sometimes made 
to the latter regulation, but not by the best-bred 



9° 



Calls. 



men. Ecclesiastical, military, naval, and judi- 
cial titles are given on the cards. The " Mr." of 
course is then omitted. The address is engraved 
as on a lady's card. 

A son bearing his father's name should put 
" Jr." on his card. 

A young lady during her first year in society 
should not have a separate card ; her name is 
engraved beneath her mother's. 

Husband and wife should not have their 
names on one card. This is now considered 
obsolete. A card bearing their joint names 
may be used for congratulations or condolence, 
or as P.P.C. cards, but not as visiting cards. 

The best way is to go to a first-class stationer 
whose business it is to be familiar with all the 
variations of fashion in regard to cards, and abide 
by his verdict when ordering visiting-cards. 
Nothing marks a want of breeding so speedily as 
a faulty visiting-card. A gilt-edged, or glazed 
or tinted card; a young lady's card without the 
prefix 44 Miss;" the name written or printed in- 
stead of engraved; the name of the city in 
which one resides, or, worse, the city and state, 



#rst Calls. 



9i 



are mistakes to be avoided. Should a woman, 
by any chance, be without her card-case and de- 
sire to pay a call, she would pencil, not write 
in ink, her name on a blank card. The pencil 
would indicate that the use of such a card was 
an accident. A person in mourning uses a card 
with a black border. 

First calls. — A resident of a place always calls 
first on a new-comer. In Washington this rule 
is reversed. 

First calls should be returned within a week 
or ten days. After a person has been invited 
to a dinner, a reception, a luncheon, or a party, 
whether the invitation is accepted or not, a party 
call must be paid within a week after the enter- 
tainment. If a lady have a regular reception 
day calls should be paid on that day. In that 
case it will not do merely to leave cards. When 
invited to a reception or tea, if unable to attend, 
a card must be sent on that day. Calls must be 
paid in person after a dinner. After other en- 
tertainments, if one's list be large and time 
limited, cards may be sent by post, by proxy, 
or by messenger. To a friend who is ill cards 



9 2 



Calls. 



may be sent with kindly inquiries, by a servant 
or messenger. 

A lady may leave her husband's card with 
her own after an entertainment; or a mother 
may leave that of her son ; or a gentleman ex- 
tremely busy, as all American men are, may en- 
trust his card to another gentleman. He should 
try, however, to pay his calls in person. A 
hostess has a right to expect this courtesy. 
Cards are left on the master and mistress of a 
house, and on the young ladies. In Europe the 
young ladies are ignored. The mother or 
chaperon may send for them, but no bachelor 
would dare ask the favor of their presence. No 
gentleman will ever ask for a young lady alone, 
but will always inquire for her mother or chap- 
eron. " Are the ladies at home?" is the usual 
formula; or it should be, although in some 
American cities, not always west of the Missis- 
sippi, a man has been known to inquire for Miss 
Blank, ignoring her mother. It is not always 
considered necessary for the mother to put in an 
appearance, if the caller be well known, but she 
must always be asked for, and cards left for her. 



^trst Calls. 



93 



When making a first call a married lady must 
leave her husband's cards. 

A gentleman should never call without being 
invited ; he should never ask permission to call. 
It is usual for the mother or chaperon to invite 
a gentleman to call. " We should be glad to 
see you," or, " We are home on Thursdays," may 
be the formula used ; or any phrase that gives 
an intimation that the visit will be welcome. 
A young lady entertaining a gentleman alone 
should make some excuse for the non-appear- 
ance of her mother or chaperon. It is usual for 
men to call on Sunday afternoons and evenings ; 
it is not good form for ladies to do so, unless it 
be informally on very intimate friends. 

When calling upon a guest a card should be 
left for the hostess, although she may be a total 
stranger to the caller. She must be asked for 
although she need not put in an appearance. 
When calling upon several ladies a card must be 
left for each unless they be mother and daugh- 
ters ; in that case one card for the mother and one 
for the daughters will suffice. A lady leaving 
the cards of her husband (or son) must leave his 



94 



Calls. 



cards for the host, hostess, the daughters, and 
the sons— four in all ; if she have a husband 
and three sons and is leaving cards for them 
on a host and hostess, after an entertainment, 
or for a first call, she would leave eight of 
their cards. Formal calls should be paid to 
each of one's acquaintances at least once a year. 
A daughter may leave the card of her invalid 
mother. 

A lady should never leave a card on an un- 
married gentleman unless he has given an en- 
tertainment at which ladies were present. In 
that case the mother or the chaperon drives to 
the door with her card and those of her charges 
and has the footman leave them. In less fash- 
ionable circles where neither carriage nor foot- 
men are a part of one's establishment the cards 
may be left by a brother. In a case of this kind 
the young ladies' names should be pencilled on 
their mother's card. 

After a tea it is not considered necessary to 
leave cards ; the card is deposited in the card- 
receiver in the hall as one enters the house. 
This is also done at an afternoon reception. Of 



^trst Calls. 



95 



course if the invitation be not accepted a call 
must be paid, or at least a card sent after- 
ward. 

When inviting a person upon whom one has 
never called a card must be enclosed with the 
invitation. It is better, if possible, to call or 
leave cards, before sending the invitation. 

When calling the card should not be sent up 
to the hostess ; the name is pronounced distinctly 
to the servant and the card is supposed to be 
left in the card-basket. This custom is not uni- 
versal, however, owing to the liability of un- 
trained servants to announce Mrs. Brockden 
Loris as Mrs. Blockhead Lawrence. Should 
the hostess or a member of the family by any 
chance open the door, of course the card is not 
handed in, but is deposited by the caller in the 
card-basket. In a popular novel a caller is de- 
scribed as handing her own card to the hostess. 
If a lady has sent out cards for a series of recep- 
tions no one not invited should call on those 
days. A bride, for instance, often sends out 
cards, say for Thursdays in January. Every 
one whom she wishes to retain on her list is in- 



9 6 



tails. 



vited, and an omission indicates that one's ac- 
quaintance is not desired. 

Every first call should be returned, but if the 
acquaintance be undesirable it need not be con- 
tinued. 

A bride may not call upon any of her friends 
until they have called on her. 

Calls of condolence should be paid after a 
death in a family, but it is not usual for the 
visitors to be received. After an interval cards 
are returned by the afflicted family. 

A gentleman may be taken by his sister to 
call on a lady, or an intimate friend may take a 
gentleman with her to call. If a lady be in her 
drawing-room the servant should announce the 
visitor, speaking the name distinctly. 

Formal calls should not be over twenty min- 
utes in length. 

A hostess rises both at the entrance and at 
the departure of a caller. A caller should not 
be urged to remain longer, although a polite 
demur at the shortness of the call is allowed. 
Should callers be in the drawing-room when 
other callers are announced, they should soon 



UTanners When Calling. 



97 



after take their departure. First to arrive, first 
to leave, is the rule. 

Should there be other callers present, a host- 
ess never leaves the drawing-room with a de- 
parting guest; a servant is supposed to be in 
attendance to open the street-door for both exits 
and entrances; in no case is a hostess supposed 
to do it. It is not now considered necessary to 
urge one's hostess to call soon; she is supposed 
to know when to return her calls. 

Both hostess and guest may express a hope 
of having the pleasure of seeing each other soon 
again. 

It is not strictly necessary, although it is usu- 
ally done, at least in all small cities, to intro- 
duce a caller to all the other guests who may 
be in the parlor. The roof of a friend's house 
is introduction for the time. A hostess usually 
extends her hand to a caller; it is not necessary 
that this be repeated when the caller is leaving, 
although it may be done. A caller merely 
bows to the other guests present when taking 
leave. When paying a call a gentleman should 
leave his overcoat and gloves in the hall; his 



98 



Calls, 



hat he retains in his hand. When seated he may 
deposit it on the floor by his side, although the 
better way is to hold it; he is not allowed to 
put it on a sofa or chair or table, and the hostess 
ignores its existence. This usage is the out- 
come of the chivalry which makes men the 
servants of women, and does not permit a wo- 
man to perform an act of servitude for a man. 
Some women have been known to be so want- 
ing in high breeding as not only to take care of 
a caller's hat, but also to assist him with his 
overcoat. This might be done by a girl for her 
father, or grandfather, or some elderly man, 
but never for an equal. 

A caller should not take the most comfortable 
chair in the room unless invited by the hostess 
to do so. Ornaments should not be handled 
and examined while waiting for a hostess. 
One should not leave one's seat to examine the 
pictures or statuary; a book should not be 
opened. 

During a visit a person should not cross the 
limbs, lean back in a lazy, careless attitude* 
rock to and fro in a rocking-chair, tilt the chair 



Cbe £}our for Calling. 



99 



against the wall, push it against a piece of 
furniture. 

In entering a drawing-room a bow should be 
made at the door. When leaving it one's back 
should never be turned. It is an art to be able 
to leave a room gracefully. Some children are 
trained to stalk across the apartment to the 
door, then turn around, make a formal bow, and 
disappear; this is almost as bad as no manners 
at all. 

In America a girl who has passed her youth 
may take some liberties in making calls alone 
and receiving callers without a chaperon. 

The hour for calling is, for ladies, from two 
until five, in most places. These are called 
morning calls, more properly afternoon calls, 
since no one calls in the morning. A gentle- 
man may call after dinner, any time before half- 
past nine or ten o'clock. 

When a person has returned from a prolonged 
sojourn in Europe or elsewhere, it is customary 
for her to call or leave cards on all her friends. 
Or she may invite them to a series of teas, in- 
stead. When going away for a prolonged ab- 



100 



Calls. 



sence, or permanently, calls are paid to all one's 
friends, and cards with P. P. C. (To take leave) 
are left. P. P. C. cards are also left by a visitor 
in a place on her new friends. 

P. P. C. cards are not left when one is merely 
going out of town for a summer, or for a short 
stay. 

Gentlemen leave cards on each other after an 
entertainment. 

When calling on a lady at a hotel the card is 
sent to her room. If she is not in her name may 
be pencilled on the card to insure her receiving 
it promptly. For a guest at a private house 
this is not done, as the servants are supposed to 
be trained to do their duty in the matter of de- 
livering cards. 

Should a hostess be in the drawing-room when 
a caller is announced for her guest, she is of 
course introduced, and in her turn says a few 
words of welcome to the visitor. 

Should a lady not desire to receive a visitor 
the formula " Not at home " is usual, nor does 
it involve either a falsehood or a slight. It 
means simply that she is not at home to visitors, 



ntcmner ID ben Calling. 



101 



and her reasons may be work or study or indis- 
position. It does not mean any indifference to 
the caller. The servant should be instructed as 
to what answer to give to callers. It would not 
do to admit a visitor, and then bring back word 
that his mistress is engaged. That would be 
considered rude. A mother may receive a vis- 
itor and make excuses for the non-appearance 
of her daughter, or a daughter may excuse her 
mother. A caller should never be so rude as to 
ask when the mistress is expected home, when 
she went out, if she be ill, etc. An intimate 
friend calling informally, who really wished to 
see Mrs. Brown, might take these liberties, but 
not a person calling formally. 

Should a bride be staying with her mother or 
her mother-in-law after her marriage, all callers 
should ask for both ladies, and leave cards for 
both. 



Ifntrofructtons. 



The Primary Law of Introductions. — Form of Introduc- 
tions. — When Necessary. 

HE primary law of introductions is that 
the younger must be presented to the 
older ; a gentleman to a lady, the unknown 
woman to one of high attainments — in a word, 
the inferior to the superior. 

A visitor is presented to the hostess, not the 
hostess to the visitor. It is more courteous for 
a lady to speak of having been introduced to 
another instead of the lady as having been in- 
troduced to her — implying a superiority of age 
or position. 

Of course no gentleman will ever say that a 
lady was introduced to him ; but always that he 
had the honor or the pleasure of being presented. 
These rules do not vary when the members of 
one's own family are in question. An ignorant 
but aspiring young lad}' asked if she should in- 




Cfje primary taw of 3ntrooucttons. 103 



troduce her mother to a gentleman calling on 
her; the answer that the gentleman must be 
presented to her mother, and that no gentleman 
would think of calling on the daughter without 
asking for the mother, must have opened vistas 
of ignorance to her mental vision. 

Clergymen have people presented to them, 
both men and women, their spiritual character 
giving them a superiority and precedence over 
every one else. Judicial, military, and other 
dignitaries must obey the general rule. 

In New York and the ultra-fashionable circles 
elsewhere it is a law that a lady must not in- 
troduce two ladies residing in the same town. 
This is not generally observed, the kinder and 
more pleasant fashion being to introduce every 
one who happens to be under one's roof. A 
casual introduction of this sort does not neces- 
sitate any further intercourse or even recogni- 
tion if one does not desire it. 

In England the roof is considered an intro- 
duction, and people meeting in a friend's draw- 
ing-room or at a reception or entertainment 
converse without any formal introduction. 



3tttrobucttons. 



This rule is not generally understood in America. 
The undesirable class known as "pushers" 
have made ladies more reserved than they might 
be in a country where rank is recognized. An 
older lady may always speak to a younger one, 
a woman of recognized position to another less 
well known ; and every one deserving of the 
most coveted of all titles, that of an American 
gentlewoman, will answer pleasantly any re- 
mark addressed to her, especially in the house 
of a friend. 

A gentleman should not be introduced to a 
lady without her permission being obtained. 
Care must be taken in presenting strangers, 
especially foreigners, to young ladies. Men 
who are anything but desirable acquaintances 
worm their way into society, no one knows ex- 
actly how, and sometimes the consequences are 
serious. A lady may always decline to present 
a stranger of whom she is doubtful ; if she has 
tact, some excuse or reply to his request will 
suggest itself, which will not be offensive. On 
the tennis or croquet grounds people are all in- 
troduced to each other, but it is generally un- 



&be primary £art> of 3rttrobucttorts. 105 



derstood that such introductions need not lead 
to an acquaintance. 

Parties joining others on a promenade are also 
introduced. 

At dinner-parties and small receptions a host- 
ess generally introduces everybody, although 
if she does not do so no offence should be taken, 
as the rule is in favor of not introducing. A 
gentleman is of course always presented to the 
lady whom he is to take in to dinner. 

Persons meeting at a dinner-table must speak 
to each other pleasantly although they be at 
n daggers' points" elsewhere. 

Ball-room introductions imply an obligation on 
the part of the gentleman to dance with the 
young lady, promenade with her, talk to her 
during a dance, or show her some special atten- 
tion. 

At house parties in the country a hostess may 
always introduce her guests, and she does this 
without asking permission. Members of a 
family introduce each other without asking per- 
mission — that is, a husband introduces his wife, 
a wife her husband, a mother her children, chil- 



io6 



3ntrobucttcms. 



dren their mother, taking it for granted that a 
friend will always be glad to know the relatives 
of a friend. 

Watering-place introductions need not be rec- 
ognized afterward if it is not desired to do so. 

The form of introduction requires that the 
lady's name, the name of the superior, be pro- 
nounced first. 

"Mrs. Long, allow me to present Mr. Short." 
" Mrs. Goodheart, I want to present my dear old 
schoolmate, Miss Merryman." 

In presenting strangers it is well to say some- 
thing which will open the way for a conversa- 
tion. " Mrs. Brown, allow me to introduce our 
popular young writer, Mr. Smith." "I want 
you to know Miss Claxton of Washington." Or 
after giving the introduction say a few words 
that will open the way for a conversation. 
" Miss Jones paints the most exquisite china." 
" Mr. Kodaxis just back from Japan, and I know 
you are interested in the Orientals," etc. Some 
happy phrase will always suggest itself to a 
tactful hostess. 

The proper titles must always be given in an 



^orm of 3ntrobucttons. 



107 



introduction. Colonel North of the army,. 
Captain West of the navy, Judge Morton, Sena- 
tor White, Doctor Harper. 

A lady gives her husband his title, as Judge 
Barton, General O'Neil, or plain Mr. Thomas. 
She never says merely, " My husband." 

In introducing his wife a husband says, Mrs. 
Blank, or, Jones, or Brown. 

Some careless people have been known to say 
simply, " My mother," "My father," "My hus- 
band," " My sister," " My brother," although the 
mother may be married again, or the daughter 
married, or the sister, and no possible clue 
given to the name. It need scarcely be added 
that the proper form would be " My mother, 
Mrs. Brown," "My father, Judge Brown," "My 
brother, Doctor Brown," " My sister, Miss 
Brown," "My sister, Mrs. Carton." The phrase 
" My husband," or " My wife," is omitted. The 
form is simply " Mr. Brown " or " Judge Brown," 
or " Mrs. Brown." 

The introduction may be prefaced with " I 
want to introduce you to my wife," or " I want 
you to know my husband," 



io8. Srttrofructtorts. 



In addressing the President one says " Mr. 
President." but his wife simply says " the Presi- 
dent." 

The proper person to give an introduction is al- 
ways the oldest lady of a party; a hostess in 
her own house, or some member of the house- 
hold should the hostess not be present. With 
gentlemen, the oldest gentleman or the one of 
highest position. 

On shaking hands.- — A hostess usually ex- 
tends her hand to any guest or stranger presented 
to her. An older lady may always shake hands 
with a younger one presented to her, or with a 
gentleman. Some acknowledge an introduction 
merely by a formal bow. This is all that is 
necessary or desirable for a casual introduction ; 
but if the introduction is special, the meeting 
of two who are dear friends of a third, more 
cordiality should be shown, and the hand be 
extended as a sign of this cordiality. A gentle- 
man should not offer to shake hands with a lady, 
but must wait for her to make the advance. An 
older lady gives her hand to the younger ; in 
short, it is the privilege of the person to whom 



ZDfjen necessary. 



109 



another is presented to shake hands or not. 
Members of a household extend their hands to 
a guest. 

At a reception or party, if a lady carries a fan 
and bouquet, and a gentleman his hat, it may 
not be convenient to shake hands. 

The occasion has a great deal to do with the 
mode of greeting. One should always>respond 
in the same spirit in which a salutation is 
offered. 

On taking leave of a hostess a gentleman may 
shake hands, but he need not shake hands with 
every lady present. Nor is it necessary, as it 
was according to the old regulation, to remove 
his glove or apologize for it. When men wore 
gloves of iron there was a reason for removing 
them before taking the soft hand of a woman, 
but that reason no longer exists. 

Recognizing an acquaintance is the privilege 
of a lady ; a gentleman may not bow first, but 
must wait to be recognized by the lady. This 
is the rule in America and in England. On the 
continent the rule is reversed, and a gentleman 
bows first. 



I 10 



3rttrobuctiorts. 



Indiscriminate introductions should be avoided. 
A lady owes it to her friends not to introduce 
an undesirable acquaintance to them. Others 
again may desire to be exclusive, and this being 
a free country with a superfluity of rights, that 
right should be respected. " Pushers" may not 
know that casual introductions carry with them 
no regular acquaintance, and they may make 
themselves annoying and aggressive to those 
socially superior to themselves, to whom they 
may have been introduced. 

On the other hand, the women of recognized 
position are never afraid of an introduction ; 
they are so sure of their own standing that it 
never occurs to them that a few pleasant words, 
or a bow and a smile to one less rich or less 
well-known than themselves, can possibly affect 
their own status in society. It is only snobs 
who are ultra-exclusive. The "cut" and the 
"refrigerator manner" belong to this class, 
and are never employed by the gentlewoman of 
assured position. 



fftwltatlons, acceptances, anD TRcQtcte. 



Form of Invitations. — Answering Invitations. — Certain 
Details. 

INVITATIONS to a large entertainment 
^ should be engraved on thick white paper, 
folded once in the middle, placed in a square 
envelope, and this enclosed in another envelope. 
Some seasons large cards which are not folded 
are used. The stationer will always be able to 
decide the style of an invitation. 
A popular form is : 

Mrs. James Wilson 

requests the pleasure of company 

on Wednesday evening, December tenth, 
at nine o' clock. 

The blank is filled in with the name of the 
desired guest. 
The nature of the entertainment may be in- 



ii2 3nt>ttations, Gcceptcmces, anb Hegrets. 



dicated in the lower left-hand corner: Danc- 
ing, Music, Cards. 

A hostess may never put the word " Ball " on 
her invitations. 

Other forms are : 

Mrs. James Wilson 
7' e quests the pleasure of the company of 
Mr. and Mrs. Lionel Vest, 
on Tuesday evening, October twenty-second, 
at nine o* clock. 

Dancing. 

Mrs. James Wilson 
At Home 

Tuesday evening, October twenty-second, 
at nine o J clock. 

Cotillon at ten. 

If the entertainment is to be held away from 
the residence of the hostess the place of assem- 
bly (Delmonico's, Sherry's, Southern Hotel) 
must be indicated : 



$oxm of Znmtaixons. 



Mr. and Mrs. James Wilson 
request the pleasure of your company 
Tuesday evening, November twenty-second, 
at nine o' clock. 

Lindell Hotel. 

This form saves the trouble of writing in the 
names of the guests. If an invitation is sent to 
a new acquaintance, or to a stranger in town, 
the card of the host must be enclosed to a gen- 
tleman ; the cards of both host and hostess to a 
man and wife. That is, if it be a first invita- 
tion. 

Invitations to dinner must be issued in the 
name of both host and hostess : 

Mr. a?id Mrs. James JVilson 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Keegans co?npany at 
Dimier, 

January fourteenth, at seven o'clock. 
936 Blank Street. 

The acceptance would read': 

8 



ii4 3tttntattons, Gcceptances, anb Hegrets. 



Mr. and Mrs. Henry Keegan 
accept with pleasure the polite invitation of 
Mr. and Mrs. J antes Wilson for dinner 
on January fourteenth, 
at seven o'clock. 

If unable to accept, the regret would read : 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Keegan 
regret extremely that a previous engage?ne?it 
must deprive them of the pleasure of accepting the 
invitation of 
Mr. and Airs. James Wilson for dinner 
on January fourteenth, 
at seven o' clock. 

These forms may be varied slightly : 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Keegan 
have great pleasure in accepting the polite 
invitation of 
Mr. and Mrs. James Wilson 
for dinner on January fourteenth, at seven o'clock. 
342 Waco Place, 
January seventh. 



Ctnstpermg 3ntntattons. 



"5 



Invitations to a dinner en famille, or to an in- 
formal luncheon, may be written in the first 
person, and of course are accepted in the first 
person : 

My dear Miss Halliday: 

Will you and your sister Beatrix give me the 
pleasure of your company at an early dinner, 
very informally, at seven o'clock on Wednes- 
day next, to go afterward to the opera? I am 
asking your cousins, Mr. Thomas Halliday and 
Mr. Theobald, and with the exception of one 
other man, we shall be quite a family party. Be- 
lieve me, 

Yours faithfully, 

M. Vernon. 

Thursday. 

Taken from Mrs. Burton Harrison's latest novel, 
is an example of an informal invitation of this 
kind. 

Invitations must be accepted or declined at once. 
Invitations to an " At Home," to a wedding re- 
ception, or to afternoon teas, do not require an 
answer. Invitations to dinner and luncheon 



n6 invitations, Clcctytanczs , anb Hegrets. 

must be accepted or declined, since the hostess 
wishes to know exactly who is coming, and in 
time to supply the place at table should an in- 
vitation be declined. After accepting a dinner 
invitation only death or serious illness can ex- 
cuse one from not going, In that case word 
must be sent to the hostess as soon as possible, 
also the reason for the inability to attend. An 
invitation must never be answered in a hesitating 
way ; it must be accepted or declined definitely. 

A reason must always be given for declining 
an invitation. 

A person in mourning may refuse an invita- 
tion without giving a reason for so doing, as 
the reason is understood. She must, however, 
send her visiting-card with a black border on 
the day of the entertainment. 

The answer must be sent to the person issu- 
ing the invitation. If in the name of Mr. and 
Mrs. Brown, the answer must be sent to Mr. and 
Mrs. Brown. If Mrs. Brown issues an invitation 
to a reception the answer is sent to Mrs. Brown ; 
Mr. Brown has nothing to do with it. Invita- 
tions must be accepted in the present tense ; the 



Gttsmertttg 3nt>ttattotts* 



117 



future form, will accept, or something will pre- 
vent, is not allowed. 

The words " avail " and " preclude " are not 
allowable in an answer to an invitation. 

The form of answer must always correspond 
to the form of the invitation. 

Some invitations have the letters, R. S. V. P., 
abbreviation for the French phrase, " Respond, if 
you please ;" in that case of course the invitation 
must be answered. The English phrase, " The 
favor of an answer is requested," is preferred 
by some hostesses. 

R. S. V. P. are never put on an invitation to 
dinner, for it would be an insult to intimate 
that a person does not know enough to answer 
a dinner invitation. Neither are they put on 
an " At Home" card, for the reason that it is not 
customary to answer these invitations. > 

The letters, or the English phrase, are put in 
the lower right-hand corner ; not in the left. 

The custom is falling into disuse, excepting 
where an answer is particularly desired. 

Invitations must be issued at the same time. It 
is not good form to send to one person two 



n8 3ttt>ttattons, Ctcceptances, anb Hegrets. 



weeks in advance, and to another one week. 
Invitations to dinners, luncheons, receptions, 
are issued one or two weeks beforehand; for 
parties, two or three weeks in advance. 

If a hostess is disappointed in a guest for din- 
ner only a relative or very intimate friend 
should be asked to fill the place ; it is not con- 
sidered altogether a compliment to be asked 
merely as a 44 convenience." 

A young lady never issues invitations in her 
own name. Her father or a chaperon must do 
that for her should she be motherless. A girl 
no longer very young may issue invitations to 
a tea. She can never send an invitation to a 
gentleman. A widower and his oldest daugh- 
ter may issue invitations in their joint names 
for dinners, receptions, etc. A bachelor issuing 
invitations for an entertainment always requests 
the pleasure of a lady's company. It is related 
of an artist that he sent " At Home " cards to a 
reception at his studio, and was surprised when 
his better-bred patrons and friends permitted 
him to remain there alone. 

For receptions, teas, musicals, etc., a lady 



<£ertatrt details 



119 



may use her visiting-card. The words " At 
Home," and the date and the hour are written 
on the card, Or "Music," "Lawn-Tennis."' 
"Garden Party. " written in one corner will in- 
dicate the nature of the entertainment. Of 
course the date is never omitted. 

Figures and abbreviations are not allowed at 
present. " Jan. 22 " should be " January twenty- 
second." " 1893" should be "eighteen hundred 
and ninety-three." An exception to this is the 
number of the street, which may be in figures. 

At a public assembly, a charity ball or sub- 
scription ball, or any public affair, the word 
" ball " is allowed to be engraved on the invita- 
tion, but not on an invitation to a private house. 

To a large reception given in honor of a dis- 
tinguished stranger the fact may be indicated 
in the phrase : 

To meet Judge Ray. or Count Brignoli of 
Rome, or Mrs. Sherwood. 

Invitations are sent to persons in mourning a 
month after the death has occurred. Of course 
they are not accepted, but the compliment of 
remembrance must be paid, Invitations to for- 



i2o 3mntattotts, acceptances, anb Hegrets. 



mal dinners or luncheons are not sent to persons 
in mourning. 

All invitations may now be sent by post. 
The more punctilious claim that a private mes- 
senger should convey dinner invitations, and 
some hostesses who entertain a great deal send 
all invitations by messenger. Invitations sent 
by post have the name of the city and the street 
on the envelope, but not the name of the State. 
If sent by messenger, only the name and num- 
ber of the street are necessary. 

All invitations not strictly informal must be 
enclosed in two envelopes. A husband and 
wife must always be asked together to a dinner. 

In addressing invitations one must be sent to 
the husband and wife — Mr. and Mrs. James 
Brown; one to the daughters — The Misses 
Brown, or Miss Brown and Miss Beatrice Brown ; 
one to the sons — The Messrs. Brown, or Mr. 
Brown and Mr. Carter Brown. Invitations 
should never be sent to Mr. Brown and family ; 
still less to Mr. Brown and lady, or to Mr. 
Brown and wife. Miss Brown and escort, would 
be unpardonable. 



Certain Details. 



121 



To send an invitation to Mrs. " Judge" Brown, 
or to Mrs. " Doctor" Smith, or to Mrs. " Senator " 
Blank would mark a hostess as wofully lacking 
in social forms. A title of that sort belongs to 
the husband, and Mrs. Judge and Mrs. Doctor, 
although occasionally seen in society notes, are 
never allowed in formal addresses. Mrs. Lord 
Houghton, Mrs. Count Dijon, would be just as 
appropriate. If it is desired to fix the identity 
of a lady, a person might say Mrs. Brown, wife 
of Judge Brown of Washington, Mrs. Blank, the 
wife of Doctor Blank. 

Invitations are never accepted or declined on 
a visiting-card. To do so would be considered 
rude. On the day of a reception which one 
does not attend the card is sent either by post 
or by messenger, but nothing is pencilled on 
it. Some persons keep an engraved form of 
invitations with blanks for the name of the 
guest and the date of the entertainment. 

Invitations are never answered on business 
paper. 

A verbal answer is never returned to a writ- 
ten invitation. 



122 Dnrttattons, acceptances, anb Kegrets, 

Invitations should not be addressed to Paul 
Brown, Esq., but to Mr. Paul Brown. In writ- 
ing an invitation the name of husband and wife 
should be on the same line ; a name should never 
be separated, that is. Mrs. J. B. on one line, and 
Smith on another. 

Requesting invitations. — As a general rule, one 
lady should never ask a hostess for an invitation 
for another lady. If the lady be her guest and 
from another city, in that ease it is always prop- 
er to request an invitation for her. For gen- 
tlemen more leniency is permitted, as there are 
usually more women than men who care for 
society, and a hostess is generally willing enough 
to extend her hospitality to a man. especially 
if he be a dancing man. 

If an invitation is refused the person request- 
ing it should not feel offended; the list may be 
full, or there may be other reasons for the 
refusal. 

The well-bred woman accepts or declines her 
invitations as soon as possible. She observes 
the proper form, uses unruled white paper, and 
writes legibly. 



mils. 



The Invitations. — The Ball-Room. — The Dressing-Rooms. 
— Refreshments. — Decorations. — Dress. — Guests at 
a Ball. 

INVITATIONS to a ball are sent out two or 
^ three weeks in advance of the date on which 
it is to occur. 

It is a rule to send out about one-third more 
invitations than the rooms will accommodate, 
counting on one-third failing to attend. 

Sometimes this does not hold, and a crush is 
the result. There should not be a greater num- 
ber of young ladies than young men if this can 
be avoided. It is not necessary to invite every 
member of a family to a ball, although the 
mother should not be omitted. 

The practice of having only young people at 

balls, which prevails in some young cities, is 

not tolerated in older communities, where a 
123 



124 



Sails. 



chaperon is considered indispensable for a girl 
at a party. 

For informal or small affairs the rule is 
not so strict, and in that case the hostess is 
supposed to look after the maidens under her 
roof. 

Where the mother is not invited she should 
place her daughter in the care of some married 
lady who is; the chaperon may be almost as 
young as the girl, but so long as she is married 
her eligibility as a chaperon is not questioned, 
although her fitness for the office may be. If 
the party be for the purpose of introducing a 
daughter to society her card may be inclosed in 
the invitation, although this is not necessary. 

The ball-room should be well lighted, well 
ventilated, and beautifully decorated. Palms, 
ferns, smilax twined around chandeliers, cut 
flowers banked on the mantel ; wax tapers be- 
neath silken shades, or a flood of light from gas 
jets or electric lights, are some of the character- 
istics of the modern ball-room. Care should be 
taken not to have it too hot, as the dancing 
makes one warm, nor should there be a draught 



<ibc 8aH?Hoont. 



I2 5 



in any place, to subject the daintily clad maid- 
ens to the danger of taking cold. 

The floor should be well waxed and perfectly 
smooth; the practice of putting crash over the 
parlor carpets for the purpose of dancing proved 
so unwholesome from the fuzz flying every- 
where, and so disagreeable to the dancers that 
it has long been abandoned. If there be no 
regular ball-room in a house then by all means 
take up the carpets and wax the floors. 

Seats should be placed around the room in 
tiers for the benefit of the chaperons and those 
who are not dancing. Good music should be 
provided, care being taken that in a small house 
the orchestra is not too large to sound uncom- 
fortably loud. The musicians may be placed in 
the hallway and partially screened by palms 
and vines. 

Generally the whole lower floor of a house is 
thrown open at a ball ; this prevents the crowd- 
ing of the ball-room by those who are not danc- 
ing, and affords delightful opportunities for rest 
and a quiet chat. 

Dressing-rooms are provided, one for ladies, 



126 



Balls. 



one for gentlemen, with attendants to receive 
and take care of the wraps and coats, repair any 
damage in one's toilet, and assist the guests in 
any way required. They must remain con- 
stantly in the dressing-room, as guests are ar- 
riving and leaving at all hours at a ball, and 
not infrequently a torn train or disarranged 
frock calls for the service of an attendant 
ready with needle and thread to repair the 
ravage. 

In addition a smoking-room is usually set 
apart for the gentlemen, where cigars, brandy, 
and effervescent waters are furnished. No one 
should smoke in the dressing-room. 

It is a commendable practice to have a tea- 
room open from the beginning to the end of a 
ball where bouillon, tea and coffee, and iced 
lemonade may be had at any time. This room 
is usually on the second floor, and with camp 
chairs and sofas scattered around affords a most 
appreciated retreat for the tired revellers. 

The supper may be served all the evening 
from a table in the dining-room beautifully 
decorated with fruits, flowers, silver, and fine 



Hefresfyments. 



127 



glass, loaded with the delicacies usual at a party 
supper ; waiters hand the refreshments about to 
the guests wherever they may chance to be 
stationed. Or gentlemen see to the wants of 
the ladies in their charge. But the preferred 
way is to have the supper served at a certain 
hour; the hostess gives the word, her husband 
leads the way with the most distinguished lady 
present, and the rest of the company follows. 
The hostess does not as a rule go in to supper 
until every one has been served, and perhaps 
not then. She takes this hour to walk around 
her rooms to see if every one is attended to and 
having a pleasant time. If she goes to supper 
it is in order to accompany some distinguished 
guest, a President or an ambassador. 

Excepting at balls given in regular assembly 
rooms, no attempt is usually made to seat the 
guests at the table ; chairs may be arranged 
around the room ; ladies of course are served 
first ; a gentleman takes in the young lady with 
whom he is conversing or dancing when the 
supper is announced, or he may have previously 
invited a young lady for supper ; in that case he 



128 



Balls. 



takes the partner to her chaperon, and goes in 
quest of the maiden to whom he is engaged for 
supper. If a gentleman is in attendance on a 
party of ladies he of course takes them to sup- 
per. The ladies who are assisting the hostess 
in her duties see to it that every lady has a 
partner for supper. Several ladies may go in 
with one gentleman ; it is the height of rude- 
ness for a man to offer his arm to a young lady 
with whom he is conversing, to take her in to 
supper and ignore her chaperon or an elder 
lady present. In that case he takes both. 

Oysters, boned turkey, game, salmon, pates, 
salads, ices, jellies, fruits, champagne, apolli- 
naris water are served at party suppers; the 
courses may be elaborate or simple, few or 
many, as the hostess prefers or can best afford ; 
bouillon, pates, sandwiches, ices, plenty of fruit, 
and hot coffee are considered enough in some 
very charming homes. Whatever is provided 
should be in unstinted quantities. People are 
generally hungry at a ball. Care should be 
taken in passing refreshments that they are 
not spilled over a lady's toilet, as sometimes 



Befresbments. 



129 



happens in crowded rooms. Particular care 
should be had that wines are not spilled. 

A favorite way of serving refreshments is to 
have them handed about to guests wherever 
they can be seated, in ball-room, library, tea- 
room. A large plate with a dinner napkin is 
first given to each guest ; then the refreshments 
are passed in their order, ices and fruits of 
course following a more substantial course, and 
a cup of coffee concluding the repast. Wines, 
if any be provided, are left in the smoking- 
room. 

Of course the arrangements for supper will 
depend on the size of the house, the formality 
of the occasion, the purse of the host, the cus- 
toms of the place, the convenience of the hostess, 
and on various things. The main point to be 
considered is to have enough of whatever is 
provided, and to see that each guest is properly 
served. 

If seats are provided for a supper served in 
the dining-room only a limited number can be 
accommodated at a time; after the first table 
has passed out, the table must be rearranged 



130 



Balls. 



just as it was originally and supper announced 
when the second table is ready. 

Hostesses often prefer to leave the refresh- 
ments to a professional caterer who furnishes 
the dishes, silver, attendants, everything ; he is 
given the number of guests invited, he agrees 
to furnish for a certain sum the refreshments 
wanted; the cost is regulated by the refresh- 
ments desired. If no wines are served the cost 
is small compared to what it is where there are ; 
but as some gentlemen apparently live for the 
pleasures of the palate, hostesses often hesitate 
about doing away with a wine list. Few women 
care anything about wines. 

Other preparations. — An awning should be 
placed at the front entrance of a house, to pro- 
tect guests from the weather and the gaze of 
the crowd apt to assemble around a house where 
an entertainment is being held. A carpet is 
spread from the door to the pavement. A ser- 
vant is in attendance constantly to open the door, 
so that the door-bell is never rung. As the 
hostess cannot leave her place she usuall} 7 in- 
vites one or two of her friends or relatives to 



Dress. 



assist her in her duties; these ladies introduce 
gentlemen to girls without partners, and see 
that every one is enjoying the evening. 

Dress at a ball. — The proper attire for dow- 
agers and elderly ladies is rich velvets and silks 
and brocades, costly jewels, feathers, and trains. 
For girls, light, airy fabrics, dainty silks, tulles 
and mulls, slippers and gloves to match, and 
everything beautifully fresh. Decollete bodices 
are prescribed, but gowns cut indecently low 
are not. A fall of lace, puffings of tulle are 
always allowed, and even a high-cut dress if it 
be light and dainty; with the puffed sleeves 
now so fashionable and the long gloves there 
is not the slightest excuse for any exposure of 
the person should it not be desired. Scrawny, 
thin necks had best be covered. For a ball a 
gown should always be as pretty and as charm- 
ing as possible. It is a poor compliment to a 
hostess to appear at her entertainments in a 
shabby, unsuitable frock. Very charming re- 
sults may be attained with a slender purse pro- 
vided one has skill and taste.. 

How to get to a ball is an important question 



132 



Balls. 



with many. It is not considered good form for 
a girl to go alone with a young man. This is 
done in some places, but a book of etiquette 
deals with what is proper, not with what is done. 

If the mother is invited she of course chap- 
erons her daughter; if not, she places her under 
the wing of some married lady who is. It is 
usual for one chaperon to have perhaps two or 
three girls with her. If a young man wishes 
to take a girl to a party he must also invite her 
chaperon. In some communities two couples 
go together without a chaperon. A gentleman 
escorting ladies awaits them on the outside of 
the dressing-room to take them down to the 
ball-room. Ladies without escorts are provided 
with one for this duty by the assistant hostess. 

Guests at a hall— -A lady enters the ball-room 
first, her escort following. She never enters 
leaning on his arm, or following him. Of sev- 
eral ladies the eldest enters first. The hostess 
is stationed near the door to receive her guests; 
their first duty is to make their bow to her; 
they do not shake hands. A gentleman must 
then hunt up his host and pay his respects to 



(Suests at a Ball. 



133 



him. It sometimes happens that the host is ig- 
nored altogether, but not by well-bred men. 
After that all that is required of guests is to 
enjoy themselves and make others do likewise. 
A gentleman must dance first with the young 
lady he is escorting; then with the young ladies 
of the house ; if the party is in honor of a debu- 
tante he must not fail to dance with her. A 
girl may not refuse an invitation to dance from 
one gentleman and accept one for the same 
dance from another. If for any reason she 
declines an invitation, she must sit out the 
dance. Of course neither girl nor young man 
may forget ball-room engagements. 

A girl should not dance every dance on the 
programme even though she be invited to do so. 
Some think it a sign of belleship to be constantly 
on the floor ; others may not so regard it. 

A chaperon must see that her charges are not 
neglected. She may ask young men to be pre- 
sented to them for the purpose of dancing. She 
should not dance constantly and leave her charge 
to play wall-flower. Young married women are 
sometimes greater belles than the girls, but they 



Sails. 



should not be. After a dance a girl should not 
try to monopolize her partner. She should, 
after a turn or two around the room, or a fevr 
moments conversation, ask to be taken to her 
chaperon. If she does not do so, a young man 
who has other engagements may pilot her over 

ment. leave her. A lady may never cross a 

part oi it sne must asK a gentleman to escort ner. 

courteous and definite way, " May I have the 
pleasure of this dance," or " Miss Blank, will you 
give me the next dance." are the usual forms. 

Only a man very lacking in manners would 
say. Miss Blank, are you engaged for this 
dance?" 

No one should attempt to dance a particular 

it well should be acquired. 

Many girls have scruples about dancing round 
dances; in that case no fault should be found 



(Suests at a "BalL 



i35 



with them for obeying their conscience. Mrs. 
Sherman never permitted her daughters to dance 
the waltz, and other mothers have laid down the 
same prohibition. Mrs. Cleveland, perhaps the 
most popular woman we ever had, does not 
dance at all. 

Of course in dancing there is the right way 
and the wrong way; a well-bred person will 
follow the right way. 

Round dancing has led to some very heated 
discussions. Some believe that it is prohibited 
by the Church. This is not true. The Church 
prohibits everything that is wrong, or that leads 
to wrong, but the evil of dancing lies with the 
individual. If a girl can dance" round dances 
without violating her conscience, or without 
danger of giving scandal or causing sin to 
another, she may do so if she wishes. There is 
no harm in the dancing itself. 

The great trouble is that the example set by 
people in high places is followed by those in the 
low ones. A dance which may be danced inno- 
cently and beautifully in a Christian home may 
be danced immodestly in a public ball-room. 



136 



Balls. 



For these reasons a parish priest may sometimes 
forbid round dancing in his parish. 

After a dance a gentleman bows and says, 
" Thank you," to the lady; she bows, and when 
her partner has taken her to her chaperon she 
says, " Thank you," also. 

A gentleman should not ask a lady whom he 
does not know to dance with him ; he should, 
however, ask the assistant hostess or some 
friend to present him. Especially if he sees a 
girl playing wall-flower too long, or who ap- 
pears to be a stranger, should he show her some 
attention. It is only a courtesy to his hostess 
to assist in making all the guests pass a pleasant 
evening. A well-bred man will not confine his 
attentions to belles and heiresses. 

When leaving a ball it is not necessary to take 
leave of the hostess. One may depart at any 
hour desired, and arrive at any time before 
midnight. 

The cotillon, — The fashionable ball usually 
ends with the cotillon. The gentleman asked 
to lead should be thoroughly familiar with all 
the figures and the art of leading. Some well- 



(Snests at a Ball. 



137 



known men are famed for nothing else. A 
sufficient number of seats must be provided for 
those taking part. A gentleman may engage 
his partner for the cotillon some days in advance 
of the evening. In that case he sends her a 
bouquet. It does not follow, however, that he 
must escort her and her chaperon to the ball. 
If partners are not engaged before the date of 
the party they should be in the early part of the 
evening. As business men often object to re- 
maining so late at a party, many girls are 
forced to go home or retire to the dressing-room 
to await their carriages, for the want of a part- 
ner for th& cotillon. Sometimes the entire 
evening is devoted to the cotillon. The hostess 
must provide favors for the figures, which may 
be costly or inexpensive, as she prefers. A 
hot supper must also be provided. 

Party calls must be paid, or cards left, within 
a week after an entertainment, by every one in- 
vited, whether the invitation was accepted or 
not. A stranger receiving an invitation must 
call or leave cards before the party, and of course 
must call again after it. 



% Dinner ipartE* 



The Guests. — The Decorations. — Order of the Courses. 
— Hints and Suggestions. 

/^UESTS at a dinner party. — A hostess 
^-^^ should not bid a greater number to her 
feast than her dining-room will comfortably ac- 
commodate. Six, ten, fourteen are the usual 
number at a formal dinner, although twenty- 
two in some very spacious homes are not un- 
usual. If eight are seated at an oblong table 
two ladies and two gentlemen must come to- 
gether; twelve is equally undesirable for the 
same reason. Any number divisible by four 
should be avoided. An equal number of ladies 
and gentlemen should make up the party. Hus- 
bands and wives must always be invited to a 
dinner together. Cards are placed on the hall 
table telling each gentleman which lady he is 
to take in to dinner; or if this is not done, the 

hostess assigns him to a lady when he. enters the 

138 



T 39 



drawing-room. Guests should be punctual, and 
arrive about five minutes before the hour for 
dinner. Ladies are shown to a dressing-room, 
where they deposit their wraps ; they are es- 
corted to the drawing-room by the gentlemen 
of their party. A lady enters first, and does not 
take her husband's arm. If a gentleman be a 
stranger to the lady whom he is to take in to 
dinner, he asks the hostess to present him. 

A hostess should endeavor to invite congenial 
people to a dinner party. And great care should 
be taken in assigning the places of guests. A 
man interested in baseball and horses should 
not be assigned a maiden lady devoted to sani- 
tary reform and Egyptology. 

Full dress is required for a formal dinner. 
Outside of the largest cities, many ladies com- 
promise on a reception toilet made with a cor- 
sage square or V, and trimmed with lace. Gen- 
tlemen must wear a dress coat, as no com- 
promise has as yet been decided upon for them. 

After the last guest has arrived dinner is 
announced in a low tone to the hostess, or the 
servant simply appears at the door, and the 



140 



CI Dinner party. 



hostess, waiting for that signal, rises. The host 
leads the way to the dining-room with the lady 
in whose honor the dinner is given, or if it is 
not given for any one especially, with the most 
distinguished or the oldest lady present. The 
hostess follows last with the husband of the lady 
the host is escorting, if the dinner be for a mar- 
ried couple : if not. then with the most distin- 
guished gentleman present. 

The lady who goes out with the host is as- 
signed the seat of honor at his right; the lady 
next in rank or age has the place at the left; 
the gentleman with the hostess is seated at her 
right, the one second in distinction is at her 
left. The others in the order of their rank or 
age. from the head of the table where sits the 
hostess. 

In going in to dinner a lady always takes her 
escort's arm. 

At each cover is placed a dinner-card, which 
may be hand-painted or plain, bearing the 
name of the guest. 

When seated at table the first thing a lady 
does is to remove her gloves. They are 



Decorations. 



141 



smoothly laid across her lap, since she has no 
pocket in which they might be deposited. 

The dinner-table should present a scene of 
beauty. Whether the china and plate be of the 
finest or of more modest value, everything 
should be attractive : a snowy table-cloth laid 
perfectly smooth over an under cloth of canton 
flannel; in the middle an embroidered centre- 
piece on which are placed the floral decorations; 
these may be elaborate or simple according to 
the means and taste of the hostess. 

Very pretty effects have been secured with 
ferns or a basket of cut flowers. Wax tapers in 
beautiful candelabra shaded by soft silk shades, 
placed at each end of the table, are preferred for 
lighting; the softened glow cast is becoming to 
feminine complexions, and besides they are very 
decorative to the table. 

A lady should not attempt to give a formal 
dinner party unless she has plenty of china, 
silver and glass ware. It is usual to provide 
favors for the guests; a rose laid at each plate, 
a satin reticule filled with bonbons, would be 
sufficient; nothing costly should be given, as 



142 



d Dinner party. 



that savors of ostentation. Cut flowers are 
sometimes arranged loosely in a centre-piece 
and distributed to the guests after the dinner. 
A reflecting glass placed in the centre on which 
stand the silver epergnes adds much to the 
beauty of a table. A hundred novel and beauti- 
ful conceits will suggest themselves to a hostess 
of taste and ingenuity. Each season brings 
some new idea in table decoration. One year 
the flowers are placed in flat baskets, so that 
guests can conveniently converse with their 
opposite neighbors ; another, everything is high, 
flowers and fruit forming a vast pyramid in the 
centre. 

Pink dinners, rose dinners, yellow dinners. 
Japanese dinners, and a thousand other kinds 
have been tried ; the decorations of course being 
carried out on the lines suggested by the name. 

Everything on the table must be immaculately 
dainty and beautiful. Flowers and fruit in the 
centre; bonbons in silver dishes, an array of 
wine-glasses, and a cut-glass water goblet at 
each place. Large, thick, fine, white damask- 
table-napkins, folded simply with a dinner roll. 



Decorations. 



143 



are placed at each cover or plate. Bread is 
never put on the table, but a reserved supply is 
found in a bread-plate on the sideboard. For- 
mal dinners are always served a la Russe — 
that is, everything is handed by the servants ; 
nothing is placed on the table excepting the 
decorations, bonbons, wines, water carafe, etc. 

The old-fashioned table-mats are never seen 
on a modern dinner-table, nor the casters laden 
with pepper and salt, etc. Open-work centre- 
pieces placed on colored silk are pretty, or a 
long velvet strip down the middle of the table 
gives a bit of color, but nothing should be used 
which is easily destroyed or soiled, and no table- 
cloth which will not wash. 

At the right of each cover is placed a goblet 
or glass for water, with the wine-glasses grouped 
around it. A special glass is made for each 
kind of wine, and no well-instructed housewife 
would make the mistake of serving champagne 
in any but a regular champagne glass, or of 
using a champagne glass for claret. 

Care should be taken that the plates are a 
uniform distance from each other; the water 



144 



CI Dinner party. 



glasses should be placed on a straight line to 
secure a regular and neat effect for the table 
as a whole. 

The knives, forks, and spoons which will be 
needed during the dinner are placed in their 
order at each plate. Two knives, three forks 
— one an oyster fork — and a soup-spoon are the 
usual number. 

Individual salt-cellars may be placed at each 
cover, or four may be put on the table, one at 
each corner. Pepper, vinegar, oil, etc., are 
passed around by the servant and kept on the 
sideboard. 

The order of the courses. — Oysters in regular 
oyster plates, with a piece of lemon in the cen- 
tre, form the first course ; they may be placed on 
the table at each cover before the guests enter 
the dining-room. An oyster fork is placed at 
the right ; this differs from an ordinary fork in 
being smaller and having an extra prong. 

In the summer clams are served instead of 
the oysters. 

After the oysters two soups are served simul- 
taneously, a white and a brown or a white and 



(Drber of the Courses. 



US 



a clear soup ; or only one kind of soup may be 
provided. Half a ladleful is given to each 
guest. The servant carries two plates of soup, 
one of each kind, and a guest takes his choice. 

Fish follows the soup. Then comes an entree. 
Then the piece de resistance — the roast. 

Roman punch follows the roast and prepares 
the palate for the game. 

Canvasback duck, turkey, or other game 
forms the next course. Then comes the salad, 
with cheese and bread and butter. Ices and 
sweets follow. Then toasted cheese served in 
silver shells. Then the fruit. Then the candy 
or bonbons or sugarplums, or French glaces. 
Then the liqueurs. Then coffee. The coffee 
may be served in the drawing-room, especially 
if the guests have been long at the table ; some 
hostesses prefer to have it served in the dining- 
room, 

Asparagus, corn, peas, macaroni are served 
each as a separate course. 

Entrees are vegetables and made dishes not 
served as separate courses. All hot dishes must 
be served on hot plates. After each course the 

IO 



146 



(X Dinner party. 



dishes must be sent to the kitchen; servants 
should be trained to remove the dishes of one 
course and bring on those of another noiselessly 
and quickly. No noise should be allowed in 
the kitchen to penetrate through the opened 
door to the dining-room. 

When read}' for the dessert everything should 
be removed from the table excepting the dec- 
orations. The crumbs are removed with a sil- 
ver crumb-ccraper, or with a clean napkin and 
plate. 

After the ices are removed, a dessert-plate 
for the fruit, a finger-bowl and a fruit napkin, 
are placed before each guest. A silver fruit 
knife and fork are placed by the side of the 
plate. 

Coffee is served in dainty little cups with a 
tiny gold or silver coffee-spoon. Sugar and 
cream are not ordinarily passed, although many 
people prefer cafe au lait to cafe noir y that is, 
coffee with milk or cream to coffee in its natural 
state or black. 

Should sugar be served it should be loaf sugar, 
and sugar-tongs used with it. 



(Droer of tfje Courses. 



147 



Wines and water are served at the right of the 
guest. 

Everything else is served at the left. 

In serving entrees, hot plates should be given 
for them, excepting for pate de foie gras, which 
requires a cold plate. 

The servant, when serving an entree, should 
hold the dish low, so that the guest may help 
himself. A large table-spoon and fork are placed 
on the dish. Some hostesses prefer to have the 
waiter help each guest. 

In passing a dish, a napkin must be over the 
hand of the waiter. 

Serving the wines. — Wines must be served in 
their proper order. Sherry with soup ; chablis, 
hock, sauterne, or some white wine with the fish 
course; claret and champagne with the roast; 
madeira and port after the game ; sherry and 
claret or burgundy with the dessert. Some 
very grand dinners have been served with only 
two or three kinds of wine, sherry, claret, and 
champagne. When only one wine is served it 
is usual to have that one champagne. Wines 
need not be served at all. Apollinaris and 



CI Dinner party. 



other table waters are preferred by many hosts 
and by nearly all hostesses. 

Some claim that wine is necessary for diges- 
tion at an elaborate dinner ; others say that it 
impedes digestion; so one may adhere to his 
own opinion. President Hayes did not permit 
wines to be served at his table. 

Champagne and other sparkling wines are not 
decanted, but must be poured from the bottle. 
Champagne must be slightly iced, or frapped, 
which is done by putting the bottle on ice some 
time before it is wanted. To keep the moisture 
from dripping, a clean napkin is wrapped around 
the bottle. A bowl of broken ice is usually 
passed around just before champagne is served, 
as some like to have a piece of ice in their cham- 
pagne glasses. 

Claret and burgundy should be about the same 
temperature as the room ; sometimes they are 
slightly warmed. Sherry, madeira, and port 
are decanted. Some hosts prefer to have the 
wines come to the table wrapped in filmy cob- 
webs as a witness to their age. 

Wines are usually poured by the servant. 



Bints anb Suggestions. 



149 



Care should be taken that the glasses are not 
filled too full. Ladies may refuse wine, but 
they do not turn down their glasses. The 
waiter should see that the water-glasses, espe- 
cially of the ladies, are kept filled. 

Bread should be passed to those who have 
exhausted their first roll or piece. 

Salt-spoons should accompany each individual 
salt-cellar. 

Cordials or liqueurs are served in tiny glasses, 
holding about a thimbleful, and are passed 
around by the waiter on a silver salver. 

When drinking a person's health, the one pro- 
posing it bows to the gentleman or lady so 
honored, who bows in return, then all drink a 
few sips of the wine and set down the glass. 
Healths are never drunk in cold water, as that 
portends bad luck. It is not usual to drink 
health at an ordinary private dinner. 

Hints and suggestions. — A hostess should not 
attempt to give a dinner party without a first- 
class cook and trained servants, unless she have 
it served by a professional caterer. It is better 
to have a few plain dishes, well prepared and 



(X Dinner party. 



well served, than many elaborate ones which 
are too much for the skill of the cook. The 
hostess should neither look worried nor feel 
worried. She should carefully plan her dinner, 
and do all she can to make it a success; after 
that she should be serene. Any annoyance on 
her part makes the guests uncomfortable. 

One waiter can serve eight people, but it 
makes the dinner very long ; one waiter to three 
guests is the rule with some hostesses ; one to 
every four should be allowed. The dishes are 
served from a table placed near the entrance 
leading to the kitchen; a bell communicates 
with the kitchen which tells the cook when to 
send in another course. If a large retinue of 
servants is not kept, a hostess would do well 
to employ extra help from a reliable caterer 
at a formal dinner. At an informal affair, of 
course, more simple arrangements are made, 
and the dinner is more en famille. Too many 
courses should not be served, nor should the 
dinner be prolonged to a wearisome length. 
One to two hours is long enough. The most 
fashionable people have ceased to remain at the 



fjmts anb Suggestions. 



table for hours as was formerly the custom. 
At a lull in the conversation after the dinner is 
finished the hostess gives the signal, and the 
ladies leave the table, the hostess going first. 
The gentlemen all rise, and the one nearest the 
door holds it open while the ladies file out of 
the dining-room. They then resume their seats 
at the table for wines and cigars. 

Or a host may conduct his guests to a smoking- 
room or to his study, where cigars and wines 
may be indulged in. Gentlemen usually rejoin 
the ladies in the drawing-room, although this is 
not necessary. Before going from the house 
they take leave of their hostess. 

The lady in whose honor a dinner is given 
must be the first to depart ; she should not there- 
fore remain too long after dinner, as the others 
may have another engagement for the same 
evening. 

Finger-bowls are placed on a glass plate rest- 
ing on an ornamental doily. They should not 
be rilled over half-full, and ice-water should not 
be put in them, as it is apt to be unpleasant to 
the fingers. A geranium-leaf or a piece of lemon 



CI Dinner party. 



may be floating on top. Each person dips her 
fingers daintily into the water, passes them over 
her lips, and then wipes both fingers and lips on 
the napkin. 

The knives, oyster-fork, and soup-spoon are 
placed on the right; the other forks at the 
left. 

Flowers are not put on the table until just be- 
fore dinner is announced, as the heat is apt to 
wilt them. In the selection of flowers for a 
dinner, those with a heavy odor, like tuberoses, 
should be avoided. 

Each gentleman should find in the hall a card 
with his name and the name of the lady he is 
to take in to dinner written on it, also a small 
boutonniere, which he places in his button- 
hole. 

The usual dinner hour for a fashionable din- 
ner is seven o'clock; in some localities six, or 
half-past six, is the preferred hour. 

Care should be taken that the dining-room is 
not overheated. 

Overcrowding should also be avoided, and 
twelve people should not be put at a table 



Bints anb Suggestions. 



153 



only big enough for ten. If the room be smaM. 
the side table may be placed in the hall or 
entry. 

Much wit, some wisdom, and a little nonsense 
are the condiments of a successful dinner, 



/Ifcanners at Gable, 



The Fork and the Spoon. — Eating Fruit.— tRules to be 
Observed. 

PERSON should seat himself gracefully 
and easily at the table ; he should avoid 
leaning too far back in his chair, sitting on the 
edge of it, sitting sidewise, leaning too far for- 
ward over the table, stretching out his feet, 
putting his elbow on the table, or crooking his 
arms in a way to inconvenience his neighbor. 
An erect position, arms at side but not plastered 
there as in a vise ; feet flat on the floor — not 
even a savage would cross his limbs at table. 

Oysters are eaten with a fork ; they should 
not be cut. 

Soup is taken from the side of a soup-spoon, 
not from the point. The spoon is dipped from, 
not toward, the person. No gurgling noise 
should be made with it. Soup may be left 

if one does not care for it. A second supply 

154 




Cbfi ^ork anb the Spoon. 



155 



should never be asked for, no matter how pala- 
table it may be. Soup should not be refused. 

With fish a silver fish-knife and a silver fork 
are used. Care should be taken in eating fish 
containing many small bones to separate them 
from the fish before putting it into one's mouth, 
as serious and annoying results sometimes occur 
from carelessness. 

Carving is an art which every one should 
acquire ; at a family dinner the father usually 
carves; at a ceremonious one the butler or the 
waiter does the carving at a side table. 

Potatoes are broken and eaten with a fork. 
A knife never touches a potato. 

Croquettes, pates, patties, made dishes, vege- 
tables, soft cheese, are eaten with a fork. 
Sometimes a fork is also used for ice-cream and 
puddings, but this is not usual. 

A salad which has not been previously cut up 
should be cut with a knife and fork, and eaten 
with a fork. 

Celery and olives are eaten with the fingers. 

Asparagus is eaten with the fingers. If it 
be covered with a sauce, it is eaten with a fork. 



156 



tttcmtters at daBIe, 



Berries are eaten with a spoon if they are 
served with cream. Strawberries are some- 
times served with their stems and are dipped in 
the sugar and eaten with the fingers. Ices are 
eaten with a spoon. 

With tea, coffee, and chocolate, spoons are of 
course used. 

Perhaps it is being too elementary to say that 
these beverages are never poured in the saucer, 
but must always be taken from the cup. And 
that the knife, under no circumstances, is ever 
put in the mouth. Its mission in this world is 
to prepare the food, not to convey it to the 
palate. That is the right of the fork, assisted 
by the spoon. Fish-bones, scraps of gristle, 
etc., are conveyed back to one's plate by the 
fork, done easily and as gracefully as possible. 

A silver knife, never a steel one, should be 
used with fruit. It is an art to eat fruit daintily. 

Fruit stones and seeds are removed from the 
mouth with the thumb and fingers, and laid on 
the side of the plate. An American barbarian 
has been known to deposit them on the table 
cloth. 



157 



A pear or any juicy fruit is held on the fork, 
pared with the knife, and then eaten with the 
fork. 

Bananas are peeled and sliced and then eaten 
with the fork. At an informal meal they may 
be taken in the fingers. The preferred way of 
serving them is with rich cream and sugar. 

An orange is peeled, divided into its natural 
pegs, and eaten with the fingers ; or it may be 
cut up and eaten with a fork, or it may be sliced 
with layers of pineapple, or sprinkled with co- 
coanut and sugar and eaten with a spoon. Or 
it may have the top cut off and be taken with 
a spoon from the natural rind. This is the way 
preferred by many, and it certainly is the easiest 
and daintiest. For this an orange-spoon is 
provided. 

Pineapple is eaten with a fork. If it be sliced 
and served with sugar a spoon is generally used. 

After fruit the finger-bowl should always be 
used, and with it a fruit-napkin. No hostess 
cares to have her large white dinner-napkins 
covered with fruit stains. 

Children are reminded that they must not 



Hlanners at Cable. 



suck an orange, spit fruit-stones in their plate, 
take juicy fruit in their fingers, dip their whole 
hand in a finger-bowl as if it were a wash-basin, 
and let the water from their fingers drip on the 
table. 

The knife should be held by the handle in the 
right hand, the forefinger resting on the upper 
part of the blade. It should not be grasped as 
a weapon of defence. The fork is held in the 
right hand, its tines forming a bowl in the mid- 
dle ; it is raised to the mouth laterally until 
almost parallel with it. When used in prepar- 
ing food the position is reversed and the bowl 
turns downward. Bread should never be dipped 
in gravy and eaten with the fingers. Some 
children are addicted to this habit. A whole 
slice of bread should not be buttered, and bites 
taken from it. It should be broken in pieces, 
and each piece buttered as it is eaten. This is 
the ceremonious way, although for informal 
luncheons it is allowed to butter the whole 
slice. Biscuits, muffins, and gems should be 
broken open laterally, not cut with a knife. 
Children should not be allowed to eat vegeta- 



Hules to be (Dbszxveb. 



l S9 



bles with a spoon, as old habits are hard to 
break. 

The little vegetable dishes formerly so much 
used are now seldom seen, excepting in hotels, 
or for vegetables served with sauces. 

Salads are served on a salad plate. Nothing 
excepting the sauce is ever put on a plate with 
fish. 

Children should be trained not to open their 
mouths unduly wide in eating, or to make a 
noise masticating their food. They should 
never be allowed to pack food on the back of a 
fork. 

Orange peels, potato skins, etc., should never 
be put on the table-cloth. The only thing al- 
lowed to be placed on the table-cloth is bread. 

When passing the plate back for a second 
supply at a family dinner, the knife and fork are 
placed side by side on the plate, their handles 
together. At a ceremonious meal of course no 
second supply is ever given. 

Bread, rolls, etc., are always broken, never 
cut. 

A boiled egg is placed in an egg-cup, and 



i6o 



VTianmxs at Cable. 



eaten from the shell with an egg-spoon. Care 
should be taken not to let the contents of the 
shell spill over the sides of the cup. 

The old-fashioned rule not to take the last 
piece on a plate has long been obsolete ; a 
hostess is supposed to be able to furnish a new 
supply. 

A person should keep a plate or anything 
handed to him ; in the rural districts it is sup- 
posed to be polite to pass it on to one's neigh- 
bor, 

A wine-glass is held by the stem, not by 
the bowl. A wine-glass should not be tilted to 
Dne's nose in order to drain the last drop. If a 
person does not care for wine he should refuse it. 

If anything is broken a guest does not apolo- 
gize, nor does he offer to replace it. At Christ- 
mas or on an anniversary, however, he may 
send a present, of course with no allusion to 
the broken article. That would appear like 
compensation and would be regarded as an 
insult. 

When servants are present no one at table 
should be asked to pass anything. At an infor- 



Hules to be (DbserDeb. 



161 



mal meal food is sometimes placed on the table, 
and passed; when handing a dish the knife and 
fork should be laid down on the plate. No one 
should attempt to pass anything while holding 
anything else in the hand. 

At a small dinner the conversation should be 
general, at least for a part of the time. A per- 
son is supposed to converse principally with 
those seated next to him, on his right and left. 
A person should not talk across another. 

At an informal meal one should not reach 
across or in front of another for any dish wanted, 
but should ask the person to pass it. Dishes 
are handed, not shoved along the table. 

Toothpicks are never seen in a refined dining- 
room. Picking the teeth is a duty of the toilet 
belonging to the privacy of one's own apart- 
ment. 

Napkins are laid across the knee; they are 
not tucked around the neck or fastened in 
the button-hole. At the conclusion of a meal 
they are not folded, as if they were to be used 
again, but are laid carelessly, on the table, not 
spread in a heap however. 



162 



VTianmxs at Cable. 



Napkin-rings are not seen, as a napkin is sup- 
posed to be used but once. In families where 
many servants are not kept this rule is not usu- 
ally followed. In that case colored ribbons are 
sometimes used to indicate the owner of each 
napkin, or it is trusted to the attendant to re- 
place them on the table in the order in which 
they were taken away. Some mothers still 
use napkin-rings for family meals. The mouth 
is wiped before and after drinking. At a family 
or informal dinner, if the hostess folds her nap- 
kin the others should do likewise. 

A piece of bread may be held in the left hand 
to facilitate getting the food on the fork. 

No one should help himself to food from a 
dish with his own fork or spoon. 

While waiting for another course, the knife 
or fork, glass, or spoon should not be fingered 
or toyed with. Beating a tattoo on the table is 
not allowed, nor to hold the fork or spoon in 
the air while talking. 

Children should not be allowed to fill their 
mouths with food, or to take too much on the 
fork, and be compelled to make two bites of it. 



Hules to be 0bserr»eb. 



163 



The top piece of bread or the first piece of any- 
thing touched should always be taken. 

The mouth should be kept closed when eating. 

A whole glass of water should not be taken 
at one draught. 

In handing a pitcher the handle is held toward 
the person receiving it. In handing forks, 
knives, spoons, the handles are turned toward 
the person receiving them. 

When a cough or sneeze is imminent the 
head should be turned to one side and a hand- 
kerchief put up to the mouth. 

A sneeze may be smothered by putting the 
finger to the upper lip and pressing hard. 

Children should not be allowed to speak of 
" loving" food. Love is a power of the soul and 
not of the palate. We love people, we like or 
relish food. 

The old-fashioned term " drinking soup," has 
been replaced by " eating" soup. " Taking" 
soup is better than either. 

Spoons are not left in a tea-cup, but are 
placed in the saucer. 

A servant should be asked for anything one 



164 



manners at Cable. 



may require, but in a low tone. Servants are 
not thanked for performing their ordinary du- 
ties of waiting at table. A guest who passes a 
dish is thanked. A request for anything is 
usually prefaced by " Will you please." 

Every lady at table, including the hostess, is 
helped before the gentlemen. In family din- 
ners, to save trouble and time, the plates may be 
helped in their order. Girls at a family dinner 
should be served before the boys. 

A gentleman pulls out the chair for the lady 
next to him, if there be no servant to do it. 



®tbet Bntertamtnenta. 



Luncheons. — Receptions. — Teas. — Musicales. — Theatri- 
cals and Readings. — Card Parties. — Garden Parties. 



JJNCHEONS. — A formal luncheon does not 



^^"^ differ greatly from a dinner party. The 
table is arranged in the same way, is decorated 
with flowers, and the prettiest silver and china 
are displayed. Sometimes the house is dark- 
ened and the luncheon served by candlelight, 
but this is not to be commended, nor is it popu- 
lar with the best people. 

The hostess wears a demi-toilet, the guests 
reception toilets or handsome tailor gowns. 
Invitations may be given verbally to a luncheon 
or by an informal note written in the first per- 
son ; but for ceremonious affairs the invitations 
are much the same as for a dinner. The accept- 
ance must be definite and at once, as a hostess 
wishes to know for how many to arrange her 
table. Greater latitude is allowed in the courses 




i66 



(Dtr>er Entertainments. 



than for a dinner. The dishes are not so heavy 
as for a dinner; roast beef, for instance, would 
be out of place. 

Soup in regular soup-plates is not served. 
Bouillon or chicken consomme may be served 
in cups placed on a plate, accompanied withra 
large teaspoon, not a tablespoon. 

If wines are served, claret and sherry or cham- 
pagne are preferred. If champagne be the only 
wine, it is offered after the first dish is served. 
If wines are not given, apollinaris, Manitoti, 
or some popular table-water should be furnished. 

If tea or coffee is served it should be in the 
dining-room, never in the drawing-room. In 
England neither tea nor coffee is offered at a 
luncheon, and the custom obtains to some ex- 
tent with us. Some ladies, however, feel that 
a cup of tea is an indispensable to their midday 
repast. Sherry or claret may be put on the 
table in decanter, or poured by the waiter, as 
the hostess prefers. 

Besides the long dining-table there are usu- 
ally arranged several small tables, so that a 
greater number of people can be invited to a 



£imcbeon. 



167 



luncheon than to a dinner. Care must be taken 
in arranging the tables so that room is left for 
the waiters to pass between them easily with- 
out danger to toilet or comfort of the guests. 

Guests enter the dining-room separately, the 
ladies going in first. There are usually more 
women than men at a luncheon, the general 
rule being not to have men at all at a luncheon, 
possibly because they prefer to lunch down 
town, or at a club. Tf they attend they wear 
frock coats, or the usual morning dress for gen- 
tlemen. 

Guests should arrive punctually, about five 
minutes before the hour for luncheon; some 
time between one and two o'clock is the usual 
hour for luncheon. They should not leave be- 
fore the luncheon is over, but they should not 
remain very long afterward, as the hostess may 
have an engagement; at any rate, the guests 
are invited for luncheon, and not to spend the 
day. 

At a formal luncheon, bouquets are provided, 
and very often favors or souvenirs. At an in- 
formal luncheon the hostess as well as the 



i68 



CDtbex £ntertatrtmentf 



guests wear street costume ; the courses are 
few and simple, the hostess herself usually 
helping to the entrees and dessert, and the 
servants withdrawing after the first course. 
For intimate friends this is the more pleasant 
way. Everything must be immaculately clean 
and dainty, but there is no particular ceremony 
observed. 

At formal affairs, music is often provided 
and fancy conceits carried out. Each table may 
be arranged differently. One lady gave a Four 
Seasons luncheon, with a separate table for 
each season. 

Afternoon receptions. — For an afternoon re- 
ception. At Home cards are usually issued (see 
chapter on invitations). The hours in some 
places are from three to six. or from three to 
five, in others from four to six. The hostess 
wears a demi-toilet or reception costume, never 
full dress — that is, a decollete one. although it 
is sometimes improperly done. The guests 
appear in street costume, but handsome ones, 
or regular reception toilets. The latter are 
preferred, especially if the house be darkened 



Kecepttortr 



169 



and brilliantly lighted. Street costumes do not 
seem in keeping, but they are allowed. The 
guest goes first to the dressing-room, where it 
is usual to leave the outside wraps ; the hat or 
bonnet and gloves are retained. The hostess 
takes her stand near the entrance to the main 
drawing-room to receive her guests. She is not 
supposed to leave her place. She usually in- 
vites several of her friends to receive with her, 
and these pass around the rooms, introduce 
people, see that they get refreshments, and as- 
sist to make the reception a success, from the 
point of view of the guests. The hostess shakes 
hands with each guest, and says a few words; 
the guest then passes on, usually to the dining- 
room. 

Refreshments are served from a handsomely 
decorated table in the dining-room loaded with 
fruits, flowers, bonbons, fancy cakes, etc. The 
refreshments are handed to the guests by the 
waiters, and are taken to any part of the room, 
napkin and plate being first given to the guest 
to be served. 

There is usually a separate tea-table, espe- 



170 



(Dtber (Entertainments 



cially if the reception be in the nature of a " high 
tea." at which some young ladies, daughters of 
the hostess or intimate friends, preside. The 
tea may also be poured in the kitchen and passed 
around by the waiters. 

Oysters, salads, pates, boned turkey, ices, 
bonbons, coffee, fruit, etc., may be served at a 
reception. Or the refreshments may be more 
simple — sandwiches, bread and butter, ices, 
coffee or tea and chocolate. 

In the library or the hall there is usually placed 
a large punch-bowl filled with the best of punch, 
and presided over by the most charming of 
girls. Champagne should never be offered, and 
many hostesses do not offer wine of any kind. 
Whether simple or elaborate, the best of every- 
thing must be used. Rich cream, fresh butter, 
good tea — the quality of the tea is important — 
loaf sugar, never the pulverized or granulated; 
the tea and coffee should be kept hot by means 
of urns with alcohol lamps underneath them. 
A piece of lemon should be served with each 
cup, the Russian fashion. In that case no cream 
is used. 



Hecepttotts. 



171 



The house is decorated with palms and flowers. 
An orchestra, one not too loud, is stationed in 
the hall or back drawing-room. 

The guests remain half an hour, chatting 
with their friends, partaking of the refresh- 
ments, enjoying the music, drink a glass of 
punch, and go aw r ay making room for some one 
else. People are supposed to be coming and 
going all the afternoon. No leave-taking of the 
hostess is necessary. 

On entering the house the guest deposits her 
visiting-card in the card-receiver, and by some 
authorities a call afterward is not considered 
necessary. 

Informal receptions, — At these the house is 
not darkened, nor is it usual to have music, 
although it adds greatly to the pleasure of the 
afternoon. Sometimes a hostess issues invita- 
tions for a series of receptions ; Wednesdays in 
January, for instance. Cards are sent of these 
to all her friends, and they attend on any 
Wednesday they find it most convenient, but no 
one should go to more than one, or at the most 
two. 



172 



(Dtfjer €tttertatnments» 



Simple refreshments are provided ; the hostess 
herself usually pours tea in her drawing-room, 
seated at a low tea-table with a samovar or a 
tea-urn at her elbow. She rises, of course, to 
receive her guests. She may wear a pretty tea- 
gown or a demi-toilet. 

Refreshments are handed to the guests wher- 
evmv they may be sitting. Guests should give 
their empty cups and plates to a waiter or de- 
posit them themselves on the tea-table or on the 
dining-table, never on the mantel, the parlor 
table, or, worse still, on sofas or window-sills. 

A regular reception day.— Many ladies have 
one day in each week on which they remain at 
home to receive their friends. On this day the 
tradespeople, seamstresses, etc., usually attend 
to their business in the morning. The after- 
noon is devoted to friends. 

The calling hours are between four and six 
in some places, three and six in others, or be- 
tween three and five. 

A lady usually has her " day" engraved on her 
visiting-cards, in the lower left-hand corner. 
After announcing a day, a lady must remain 



173 



at home, no matter how great the attraction 
calling her elsewhere. People should not call 
on her on any other day — at least with the ex- 
pectation of being received. She wears a pretty 
house-gown when receiving her friends, and 
some hostesses offer tea to all callers, together 
with a piece of bread and butter, or some little 
cakes. It is considered vulgar to offer anything 
more elaborate. She usually makes the tea 
herself in the drawing-room as it is wanted, 
the tea, the sugar, the cream pitcher, and slices 
of lemon, a hot-water urn, and the teapot being 
on a little low tea-table at her side. 

In the drawing-rooms of some popular host- 
esses a charming half-hour may be counted 
upon. Gentlemen love to drop in about five 
o'clock, pretty girls call in twos and threes, gay 
chatter, a sober discussion, or the latest news 
may be heard. Of course, on some days the 
ordinary hostess has no callers at all. 

An afternoon tea does not differ materially 
from an afternoon reception. If it be a formal 
assembly, to which regular , cards of invitation 
have been issued, it does not differ at all. 



174 



(Dtfyer (Entertainments. 



At an informal affair, the hostess may move 
around among her guests, and the refreshments 
are simple. 

If a lady gives only one reception or tea, no 
one should feel hurt at not being invited, or 
consider the omission in the light of an affront ; 
so long as the greater number of people do not 
live in palaces there must be a limit to the 
number invited. The attempt to put five hun- 
dred people in a house only capable of com- 
fortably accommodating two hundred and fifty, 
in the selfish desire of a woman to pay all her 
social debts at once, or, to take a more charitable 
view of her conduct, to avoid giving offence to 
any one, has turned many a social function into 
a modernized room of torture. A series of teas 
or receptions generally proves charming alike 
to hostess and guests. The greatest drawback 
is the uncertainty as to how many should be 
prepared for on any given day. One Thursday 
the drawing-rooms may be crowded, and on the 
next they may be comparatively deserted. 
Where economy in refreshments is an object, 
perhaps it is better to give a series of entertain- 



<Zavb parties. 



175 



ments and invite a certain number of guests 
to each one. For instance, an afternoon card 
party for married ladies, a luncheon for girls, a 
general reception for all the world. 

Card parties. — Invitations to a formal card 
party are in much the same form as to any other 
formal function ; in the lower left-hand corner 
is engraved the word "cards," or "euchre," or 
"whist," or whatever game is proposed to be 
played. These invitations, of course, must 
always be answered, so that the hostess will 
know for how many to prepare, and to avoid the 
annoyance of having a table unfilled. At a for- 
mal card party the hostess does not play ; her 
husband, sons, and daughters or other relatives 
with her do so. The tables are arranged con- 
veniently about the room, and at each one four 
chairs of moderate height are placed; low 
rocking-chairs should have no place at a card 
table, nor as a rule easy-chairs of any kind, as 
they take up too much room. A clean, glazed 
pack of cards is provided for each table ; the 
rooms must be well lighted so that there 
will be no difficulty in seeing the cards; for 



i 7 6 



(Dtfyer (Entertainments. 



progressive games, and all games " progress" in 
these days, a little bell is also provided. 

The guests should arrive as nearly as possible 
at the hour named on the invitations, as the 
tables should not be formed and the game com- 
menced until all have arrived. If for any rea- 
son a guest is unable at the last moment to 
attend, he should notify the hostess as speedily 
as possible, so that a substitute may be found, 
otherwise three people may be prevented from 
playing. When the guests have all assembled, 
the tables are formed and the game begins. 

Selecting partners. — When the game is to pro- 
gress it is usual to have prepared slips of paper 
with the number of the table and the position 
of the players. Say there are to be six tables — 
then there are twenty-four slips of paper, divided 
into six groups; each slip is then numbered: 
Table i — position i, 2, 3, or 4; table 2 — posi- 
tion 1, 2, 3, or 4, etc. A basket containing 
these slips is passed to each guest, who goes 
to the specified table and takes the position cor- 
responding to the number on the slip. Table 
1, place 1, means, first position at head table; 



<£arb parties. 



177 



table 1, position 3, would be the partner. At 
the tap of the bell the game begins. Each 
guest is provided by the hostess with a score- 
card and a sharpened pencil. When the head 
table has finished the game, the bell is rung, 
and the winning sides at each table move to 
the table above, changing partners and each 
becoming the partner of the two left at the 
table, so that there is a chance of a bad player 
getting a good partner at each move. How- 
ever, at a card party, especially where prizes 
are provided, bad players should be conspicuous 
by their absence. One need not be an expert, 
but there should be the ability to play the game 
fairly well. After the move upward, the host- 
ess marks with her puncher a star on the cards 
of. the victorious players. 

No player should be so rude as to show anger 
or impatience, no matter how stupid or careless 
his partner may be in playing. A smiling 
acceptance, or a jocose allusion may soothe the 
feelings of the discomfited player, and anger 
or impatience will not help a hand that is lost. 

The prizes are awarded after the number of 
12 



i 7 8 



©tber (Entertainments. 



games determined upon have been played: the 
number of games is shown by the score-card. 

These cards may be purchased at any sta- 
tioner's, or sometimes at a drug store where sta- 
tionery is kept. The card is so arranged that 
the winners of each game are indicated. 

A first and a second prize, and also a " booby " 
or " consolation" prize, are usually provided. 
These prizes are simple or elegant, according to 
the taste and means of the hostess. The " con- 
solation" prize may be something amusing, or a 
simple little souvenir. 

If two or more have the same number of 
points the prizes are cut for. 

Of course, the winners thank the hostess for 
their prizes. 

The refreshments are usually served on the 
card tables, either at the close of the game, or 
during it, if many games be played. Sand- 
wiches, ices, cakes, coffee, etc., may be served: 
or a more elaborate bill of fare may be provided, 
or a more simple one. 

When the card party is made a grand social 
function, supper is served in the dining-room 



<£arb parties. 



!79 



and does not differ from a supper at a dancing 
party. In that case the house is decorated with 
flowers and plants, and an orchestra may be 
provided. 

The toilets. — If the party be in the evening 
of course more elaborate toilets are required 
than for an afternoon affair. Reception cos- 
tumes, never plain street frocks, are in order. 
The gentlemen in large places usually appear 
in the conventional evening dress. In small, or 
unfashionable places, or where the gathering is 
known to be informal, morning dress is per- 
missible, -although never de rigeur. Decollete 
gowns are not usually worn. In the afternoon 
any pretty visiting frock or reception demi- 
toilet is in order. The guests are shown to 
the dressing-rooms and bonnets or hats and 
wraps are removed. After the refreshments, 
the gentlemen may be invited to the library for 
a smoke. After the games are played and the 
prizes awarded, a few moments are spent in 
social converse, and then the guests take their 
departure. Each guest takes leave of the host- 
ess, and expresses in a few words the pleasure 



i8o 



(Dtber (Entertainments. 



enjoyed, but no one should make the mistake of 
thanking the hostess. 

Musicales. — To a formal musicale invitations 
are issued a week, or ten days, or longer in ad- 
vance, and are worded like a formal invitation 
to a ball, only that " music " instead of " dancing " 
is engraved or written in the lower left-hand 
corner. If to an informal affair, an informal 
note written in the first person may be substi- 
tuted. Or an At Home card may be sent, with 
" music" in the lower corner. The hour for 
musicales is generally half-past eight; they sel- 
dom begin on exact time, but the guests invited 
should make it a point to arrive before the hour 
named in the invitation. It is the height of 
rudeness to enter the room after the music has 
begun; any one unavoidably late should wait 
in the hall during a number, and not attempt 
to enter the concert chamber until it is finished. 

The preparations consist, first, of course, of 
the programme, then the seats and decorations, 
and the refreshments. If a hostess be so fortu- 
nate as to number good musicians among her 
friends, she can secure amateur talent enough 



Tttusicaks. 



181 



for a very good musicale, but no one should 
commit the blunder of inflicting poor music on 
a long-suffering public, simply because a dear 
friend mistakingly considers herself a genius. 
In this era of really good music among all classes 
and conditions, there is no excuse for poor. 
The programme should not be too long; an hour 
and a half, or two hours at the most, with an 
intermission of five or ten minutes. 

In making up the programme, the aim should 
be to have variety ; standard pieces, melodious 
even to the uncultivated ear, are generally more 
desirable than standard classics appreciated 
only by the cultivated few. Solos, quartettes, 
duets, should alternate ; sometimes an amateur 
orchestra with stringed instruments have suc- 
ceeded in carrying off the honors at an affair 
of this kind. The harp is always a favorite in- 
strument; the mandolin and violin are now in 
especial favor among fashionable folk. Piano 
music must be the very best of its kind to be 
appreciated ; since the instrument is a matter of 
course in every household, an inferior quality 
would be a severe tax on the patience of even 



i8z (Dtfjer Entertainments . 



the most patient of audiences. Under the touch 
of a master no instrument, the violin excepted, 
can give so much pleasure. A paid accompa- 
nist is usually provided, as no one likes to ask 
a friend to perform that thankless task at a 
musicale. 

Sometimes one or two professionals are en- 
gaged, but as a rule amateurs object to a mixed 
programme, and it is hardly fair to the amateurs. 
If one is not able to make up a creditable pro- 
gramme from among her friends it is best to en- 
gage professional talent altogether. 

Before the evening arrives, the piano must 
have been put in perfect tune ; before the hour 
named, the stringed instruments are tuned. 
An improvised stage is sometimes arranged at 
one end of the room, and the instruments must 
always be so placed that the performers face 
the audience ; if only an upright piano is used 
it must of course be placed at an angle so that 
neither the back of the piano nor the back of 
the player is toward the guests. Music-racks 
must be provided for each stringed instrument, 
and a sufficient number of piano stools. These 



rrtustcales. 



183 



stools may be rented, together with the music- 
racks, from a music dealer. A piano-lamp it 
perfect order is lighted near the piano so as to 
shed a steady light over the left shoulder of the 
player; the entire room should be well lighted, 
and especially the part doing duty as a stage. 
Seats must be provided for every guest; gener- 
ally camp-chairs are used, which are rented for 
the occasion. As at other entertainments, over- 
crowding should be avoided. Ornaments and 
tjreakables, small tables, etc.. are usually re- 
moved out of danger and out of the way. A 
servant is stationed in the hall to open the door 
without waiting for the bell to ring. Dressing- 
rooms are provided as at a party. The clocks 
in the immediate vicinity of the music-room are 
stopped, as their chimes and ticking do not 
always harmonize with the music on the pro- 
gramme. An accommodating and popular young 
man is usually deputed as musical director; he 
escorts the performers to their places and turns 
the music should there be any to turn, which in 
this era of memorizing is not usual. 

Dress. — Evening dress for both men and 



(Dtfyer (Entertainments. 



women is indispensable at a formal musicale. 
The toilets of the performers should be fresh 
and more than commonly beautiful, since they 
are decidedly en evidence, and open to criticism 
and comment. The children of the house, as 
on any other ceremonious occasion, are not visi- 
ble, nor should they be heard. A baby's cry 
from a nursery is not exhilarating. 

At the first note of the opening number all 
conversation should stop short, even whispers. 
If another be so rude as to disregard this rule a 
silent nod of the head should be the only reply. 
Comment and admiration should follow a num- 
ber, not interrupt and mar it. This rule holds 
even when professionals are engaged, as many 
do not seem to know. Professionals are human, 
oftentimes gentlemen and gentlewomen, and, if 
worthy to be paid, artists. 

Programmes are provided for guests, and are 
handed to each one by the usher as he conducts 
the arrival to a seat, or they may be placed 
on a stand in the hall. These programmes are 
sometimes fanciful and characteristic in design. 
A paper harp with folded leaves inside, a deco- 



(Theatricals anb Heabmgs. 185 

rated banjo, the programme on the inner side, 
readily suggest themselves. Others prefer the 
conventional heavy paper with script engraving. 
A water-caraffe with a bowl of cracked ice and 
tumblers should be placed on a table convenient 
to the performers. A pitcher of lemonade may 
also be added. 

The refreshments, — After the programme is 
finished and compliments paid, the supper is 
served in the dining-room ; it may be a sit-down 
or a stand-up affair, elaborate or simple, as the 
hostess prefers. The suggestions for a ball 
supper apply to a musicale. 

Very often a dance follows a musicale. If 
this be not the case, then after the refreshments, 
and a few minutes given to conversation, the 
guests take their departure, of course taking 
formal leave of the hostess, complimenting her 
on her delightful musicale. One should avoid 
commonplace, hackneyed expressions in these 
compliments, and not say what everybody else 
is saying. 

Private theatricals and readings. — These are 
conducted something after the fashion of a 



1 86 (Dtfyer (Entertainments. 



mtisicale. The stage and the stage properties 
depend on the play. All that is expected of a 
hostess is to provide the house and the stage ; 
the costumes are provided by the players, and 
the details of the performance are arranged 
by the stage manager. The hostess receives 
her guests, and makes sure as to the refresh- 
ments. 

If the company be a set of very ambitious 
amateurs, a hall is usually preferred, both on 
account of its size and arrangements and of the 
acoustic properties. If asked to take part in a 
play one should do so willingly and "cheerfully, 
if possessed of the ability and the desire, and 
no hard feelings or wounded vanity should crop 
out if assigned an inferior part ; all cannot be 
stars or have important roles. The waiting 
maids and the valets, and the cruel mother, 
must be personated by somebody. 

Great care should be taken in sending out in- 
vitations to these affairs, and if the play is to 
be for charity, and an admission charged, greater 
care should be taken in disposing of the tickets. 
Sensitive and refined amateurs do not like to 



(Theatricals anb Heabmgs. 



i8 7 



act before a strange and unfriendly audience. 
As a rule invitations are sent to those desired 
to attend and the price of the tickets stated in 
one corner of the invitation ; or the tickets may 
be enclosed with the invitation. 

Gentlemen and others receiving invitations 
should feel at liberty to decline both the tickets 
and the invitation. Every one is the best judge 
of his own charities. 

Hostesses have found it a matter of policy as 
well as of courtesy to receive the reporters affa- 
bly, and give them the information desired, or 
good-naturedly request them to withhold cer- 
tain particulars. If the occasion be an im- 
portant one socially they are going to " write 
it up," whether it is desired or not, and some- 
times stinging sarcasm has made amateurs 
vow never to appear before the footlights 
again. 

There is plenty of work and not always 
plenty of laurels in amateur acting, and no 
one without natural talent and self-possession 
should attempt to take part. If the object 
be charity, or merely to give pleasure to 



1 88 (Dtljer (Entertainments. 



friends, or for self-improvement, the results de- 
sired should be borne in mind, and not the worry 
attending them. 

Refreshments are served to the players after 
the performance, and sometimes to the invited 
audience. Of course if the play is for amuse- 
ment, and not for charity, every one invited 
must be given refreshments. 

Readings are especially popular at present. 
If a hostess can secure a rising novelist or poet, 
great traveller or scientist, or a genius of any 
kind, to read to an appreciative audience of 
friends assembled in her drawing-room, she 
feels that she has scored a distinct success. 
These readings may take place in the morning 
and be followed by a luncheon, although an 
afternoon hour, with tea, etc., served afterward, 
is preferred. Authors who read for money are 
paid. Others may do so out of compliment to 
a hostess. A favorite way of raising a little 
money for charity is to sell tickets to a drawing- 
room reading to one's friends. Professional 
elocutionists are often employed to entertain 
guests. Afternoon receptions are sometimes 



(Barben parties. 



189 



varied by readings or recitations, or a little 
really good chamber music. 

Garden parties. — A peculiarity of garden par- 
ties is that if the weather be bad they take place 
in-doors, and become house parties instead. But 
given a fine day, then the next essential is a 
fine lawn, or suitable grounds. Tennis, croquet, 
archery are the games provided. A platform 
may be built for dancing, or if the turf be fine 
and smooth and firm, the dancing takes place 
in truly rustic style on nature's carpet. Chairs 
and rustic seats are scattered everywhere ; a 
few seats placed on rugs are a thoughtful pro- 
vision for the elderly and the delicate. An 
orchestra, which should be larger than for a 
house party, discourses its gayest strains under 
the trees. 

The hostess receives her guests out-of-doors, 
but they first enter the house and are shown by 
servants to the dressing-rooms, where they leave 
their wraps, and add any desired touches to the 
toilet before repairing to make their bow to the 
hostess — the preliminary to the enjoyment of 
the pleasures sh J e has provided. She should be 



(Dtber Entertainments. 



in some convenient spot so as to be seen with- 
out difficulty. Sometimes a friend is asked to 
receive and help entertain with the hostess ; this 
assistant hostess brings congenial people to- 
gether and helps to keep the ball of pleasure 
constantly rolling, 

The toilets should be bright and fresh and 
above criticism, as the light of day is not so 
friendly as is gaslight to shabbiness and signs 
of wear in a gown. Bonnets or hats are of 
course worn, both by hostess and guests. Soft 
silks, mulls, creamy veilings and cashmeres 
with fresh gloves, perfectly fitting shoes, gay 
parasols, and picturesque hats or dainty bonnets 
are seen. Xo one but a fool would think of ex- 
posing neck or arms at a garden party. Gentle- 
men wear morning dress, never the swallow- 
tail coat dedicated to gaslight. 

Refreshments at a genuine garden party are 
usually served out-of-doors, although this is 
not imperative. Sometimes a marquee covers 
the tables, but if the day is fine the " blue dome 
of heaven" is preferred. Rugs, or a carpet, or 
matting should be placed under the feet, how- 



(Sarben parties. 



191 



ever, as some people are very susceptible to 
catching cold. 

The dishes are all cold. Salads, game, sliced 
ham, salmon, pate de foie gras, jellies, ices, 
plenty of choice cake, whipped cream, bonbons, 
fruit, iced tea, champagne, and punch may be 
offered, or a more simple menu may be sub- 
stituted. Apollinaris and other table-waters 
should be provided, and sometimes a simple 
lemonade proves very refreshing. Hot tea, the 
only thing hot provided, is offered to those who 
wish it, in the house. 

Apollinaris water, lemonade, claret, punch 
bowl, soda water, champagne cup, have a table 
all to themselves at which gentlemen help them- 
selves freely ; a servant is, however, in attend- 
ance to supply fresh glasses and replenish the 
empty bowls. Servants should be trained to 
remove the dishes and bring on the courses rap- 
idly and noiselessly. Knives and forks and 
soiled plates should not be left a minute on the 
grounds, but placed in baskets and carried im- 
mediately to the house. In serving strawberries 
and cream and carrying glasses of lemonade to 



(Dtfyer (Entertainments. 



the guests, they must also be cautioned to be 
careful, as no one fancies having a handsome 
gown ruined, perhaps on its first appearance. 
Refreshments may be served at a number of 
small tables scattered throughout the grounds, 
or at a few large ones, or they may be passed 
around to guests wherever they are seated. 
Tables must in the latter case be at hand to 
receive the plates and empty glasses of the 
guests. For a hostess not able or willing to 
provide a small army of domestics, the plan of 
serving the refreshments in the house, as at 
an afternoon tea, is preferred. The hostess 
receives her guests out-of-doors; they wan- 
der about or cluster in congenial groups until 
weary, and then repair to the dining-room for 
refreshments, which are served continuously. 
Sometimes tables are spread on the verandas, 
from which the guests are served. Taste and 
ingenuity, the number of servants, the menu 
provided, and many things decide the particular 
form of refreshments. Whatever way is adopted, 
whether the courses are many or few, the best 
of the particular kind should be offered. Wait- 



(Sarbett parties. 



193 



ers must be neat and careful and agile. The 
cream, the butter, the cakes must be of the 
freshest ; the salads just right ; the watermelons 
and fruit perfectly ripe and fresh and cold. 
Drinkables, especially good water, should be 
provided in abundance, and without the neces- 
sity of one's asking for it. Card-tables may be 
also put under the trees or on piazzas, as some 
dowagers, and sometimes belles in their teens, 
can while away an hour delightfully over a 
game of whist or euchre or seductive hearts. 
This amusement, however, does not belong 
properly to a garden party. Guests go home 
when they are tired. 

Invitations are in the usual form, and are 
issued in the name of both host and hostess. 
" Garden party" is engraved in the lower left- 
hand corner. If the invitations are from the 
owner of a country-house to people living in 
town, another card is enclosed giving informa- 
tion as to how to get to the desired spot. 

" Carriages will meet the three-ten O. K. M. 

train from Union Depot,'' conveys in a concise 

way the desired information. Invitations are 
13 



i94 



(Dttjer (Entertainments. 



sent a week or a fortnight in advance. A per- 
son may always solicit an invitation for a friend, 
as there is plenty of room, but no off ence should 
be taken if the request is refused. 

It is considered best to hire dishes, spoons, 
napkins, etc. , from a regular caterer, as there is 
always danger of loss and breakage ; besides, no 
private china closet is ever equal to the demands 
of a garden party. Ices, etc., may be served in 
paper cups placed on ice-plates. 

Paper napkins may also be put between the 
dish of strawberries and the plate. A garden 
party is not the occasion for the display of fine 
china, glassware, silver, and table linen. 

A hostess computes the number of guests to 
expect, and then makes out a list of the things 
required in accordance. Country homes, re- 
mote from the city caterer, can be supplied by 
the local dealers with the necessary dishes, etc., 
at a reasonable figure — oftentimes less than a 
caterer would charge. 

Moonlight fetes chamfietres are sometimes given 
in suburban places and in mild climates. At 
the seashore or in the mountains the night air 



(Sctrben parties. 



195 



is, of course, too cold for this form of amuse- 
ment. 

To have the grounds brilliantly illuminated 
and gay with Chinese lanterns is the first feature. 
Music, dancing, toilets are much the same as 
for the regular garden party, but the refresh- 
ments are served in-doors, as the light proves 
too alluring to flies and insects to be pleasant 
to the guests. 



©ut^Boor Bmu6ement0, 



Riding. — Driving. — Picnics. — Tennis. 

T^ORSEBACK riding is one of the most pop- 
( ular forms of exercise, combining as it 
does pleasure and physical profit. A girl should 
not attempt to ride on the boulevard or in the 
park until she has mastered the art. Some chil- 
dren are taught to ride almost as soon as they 
are taught to dance, and, if indulged in in 
moderation, there is no evil to be apprehended. 
Too long or too violent rides might injure the 
health of growing children ; and, if the exercise 
were indulged in too constantly by girls, might 
result in a malformation — one side being larger 
and stronger than the other. For boys there is 
no danger, as their position on the saddle devel- 
ops all parts of the body equally. 

A girl may ride out alone with a gentleman ; 
she may go in parties, or alone with a groom ; 

but she cannot go absolutely unattended in 

196 



Htbtng. 



197 



fashionable places; in smaller towns and in the 
country a good horsewoman canters about alone 
or with another girl, and nothing is thought of 
it, but in large places the conventionalities must 
be respected. 

The riding-habit does not change much in 
style. It consists of a skirt fitting the form and 
over the knee, with scarcely any fulness in the 
back, and none at all in front. It is made shorter 
than formerly, and should just cover the feet 
when mounted. The habit bodice is severely 
plain and perfectly fitting, and where nature 
has been niggard of flesh the best tailors use 
padding unsparingly. Under the habit eques- 
trian tights are w T orn. Formerly trousers to 
match the habit were furnished, but the woven 
tights have proved much more satisfactory. 
Nothing approaching a petticoat is tolerated. 
Gauntlet gloves made expressly for riding or 
driving are worn, and ultra-fashionables have 
special boots. Ordinary walking-shoes, per- 
fectly fitting and comfortable, will do very well. 
The hat may be the beaver or the stiff derby 
for the park or boulevard; for the country a 



198 



(Dut=Door Cimusements . 



cap may be worn. Modifications of the riding- 
habit at present admit of the introduction of 
a vest instead of the plain white linen col- 
lar. The colors preferred are black, dark blue, 
or green ; wine-color and gray are sometimes 
used. Black or blue is the most elegant look- 
ing. Black is the most popular. Of course 
anything which relates to a woman's dress is 
subject to a continual law of change. The long 
plumes, big hats, the rich velvets worn by our 
great-grandmothers would appear supremely 
ridiculous in our time. Nothing presents wo- 
man in a more ludicrous aspect than an attempt 
to ride in ordinary attire, as those who have 
mounted a horse for a " lark" when in the coun- 
try can testify. A veil is always worn with the 
hat, and if the weather be trying on the com- 
plexion the veil may be very thick. Cloths and 
serges are the materials preferred for habits. 
As the making of a habit is the work of a master- 
hand, novices will do well not to attempt it, al- 
though for ordinary country wear a very neat 
habit has been evolved by a competent seam- 
stress from paper patterns. In fitting the skirt 



199 



the person should be seated on a dummy repre- 
senting as nearly as possible a horse. 

Mounting is accomplished with the aid of a 
groom or attendant. The girl takes her place, 
right side next the horse, looking toward his 
head, puts her hand on the pommel of the sad- 
dle ; the groom stoops, extends his right hand, 
the girl places her foot in it, and is deftly raised 
to the saddle. Novices may be allowed to 
mount from a block — or in the country from a 
stump. Maidens on the plains can mount from 
the ground without either groom or stump. 
The reins are held in the right hand, the whip 
in the left. The attendant rides at the right ; or 
a groom a little behind. The lady decides the 
gait, and it is the duty of her cavalier to make 
his horse keep step with hers. To ride in the 
English fashion, now generally adopted, the 
body rises from the saddle by means of the stir- 
rup ; this is the most comfortable when riding 
in a trot. A gallop, or pace, or walk, or canter, 
the figure sways with the movement of the 
horse without rising from the saddle. 

To dismount, the foot is disengaged from the 



200 



(Dut=Poor Amusements. 



stirrup, the groom offers his hand to receive it, 
and deftly assists one to the ground. 

Driving. — When gentlemen are driving in a 
carriage with ladies they always sit with theii 
backs to the horses, and facing the ladies ; the 
ladies occupying the seat of honor, their faces 
toward the horses. Xo gentleman will attempt 
to sit by the side of a lady without her permis- 
sion. If there be but two in a carriage, a lady 
and a gentleman, the lady invites him to a seat 
at her side. But an unmarried lady is never 
supposed by good society to enter a carriage 
alone with a gentleman unless the gentleman be 
her father or her brother. 

The hostess does not relinquish her seat in 
her own carriage unless it be to her mother or 
to some lady much older than herself. A girl 
always yields precedence to those older than 
herself although the carriage be her father's. 
In England the seat of honor, or that of the 
hostess, is behind the driver, but in America, 
where everybody wants to see all that is to be 
seen, the seat to the left is preferred. Entering 
a carriage, like everything else, may be done in 



Pricing. 



201 



a right or a wrong way. The right way is to 
enter in such a manner that turning around is 
not necessary. In other words, the back must 
be kept toward the seat one is to occupy. Ladies 
enter first, one of the gentlemen, if there be no 
footman, holding open the door. In leaving 
a carriage gentlemen go first, and stand ready to 
proffer assistance to the ladies as they descend. 

A lady may drive a gentleman out in her 
phaeton or cart at a summer resort ; or she may 
go with a gentleman in his along public boule- 
vards, but, according to fashion, a groom should 
be in attendance. She would not be allowed to 
drive two men, one on each side of her, without 
exciting remark. Driving in a carriage she 
must always have a chaperon. In some places 
it is the custom for girls to drive with young 
men in their buggies, but it is not etiquette. 

Suitable attire for driving depends on the time 
and the place. For driving in the park rich and 
elegant costumes with bonnet, gloves, and par- 
asol to match are in order. Driving in the 
country calls for simpler dress. On a coaching 
party the costumes are almost gay enough for a 



202 



(Dut^Door ftmttsements 



ball—excepting that they are not decollete, but 
this style shows signs of going out of vogue 
with the best people, When the dust and the 
publicity are considered, good taste and lady- 
like modesty would suggest a toilet unconspi- 
cuous. however elegant. Serges, light silks, soft 
woollens, fitting perfectly and with all the ac- 
cessories fresh and to match, are the preferred 
gowns for spring coaching parties. 

Picnics, — Perhaps the most popular form of 
amusement for summer is the picnic ; it may be 
made a great, fashionable function, but gener- 
ally its very informality constitutes its delight. 
At a formal affair servants attend to the refresh- 
ments, a band of music is provided, and pretty 
toilets are displayed. At an informal affair a 
party of intimates organize themselves into both 
committee and hosts. A delightful spot is se- 
lected, a delivery wagon with the refreshments 
in charge of a faithful man is sent to the scene 
of action, for a picnic with nothing to eat would 
be Hamlet without the royal Dane. (So old a 
comparison will be forgiven for so old a sub- 
ject.) Each woman provides enough of one or 



picnics. 



203 



two specified dishes for the number invited, or 
for half the number ; the gentlemen send ices, 
fruit, and drinkables. Experienced picnickers 
leave out champagne, as it is difficult to have it 
properly frapped. If the picnic is to be an all- 
day affair, books, rugs, and hammocks are sent 
out with the refreshment wagon. 

Blue flannels or serges or dark ginghams are 
worn with stout shoes and broad hats. If a 
guitar or mandolin or banjo or violin has also 
been sent out for an accomplished and accom- 
modating girl to play, an impromptu dance may 
follow. 

If the picnic partakes of the nature of an ex- 
ploring party to some romantic haunt, then eat- 
ables should be reduced to the smallest compass 
and carried by each member of the party ; fold- 
ing cups may be had, which are light and take 
up no room. If a person be subject to head- 
aches or fainting spells she should always carry 
her favorite remedy in her pocket. Court- 
plaster and a ball of twine are not to be despised, 
as accidents are surest to happen when no pro- 
vision has been made for them. 



204 (Dut^Door Ctmusemettts. 



Good nature, good spirits, good health should 
always be taken to a picnic, or the semblance 
of these qualities. 

Of course no refined woman ever goes to a 
public picnic or a promiscuous assemblage of 
any kind — these are out of the range of her 
vision, unless it be in the nature of a " lark" 
under masculine escort. Social intercourse 
must be with friends and equals. 

Tennis. — The rules of the game are best ac- 
quired from teachers and books of instruction 
on the subject. A special costume is required 
for both men and women. Women wear short, 
plain dresses of tennis flannel or outing cloth, 
made with a blouse or loose-fitting waist and 
worn with a belt ; they wear caps or little sailor 
hats, and tennis shoes — usually tan-colored, 
with low heels and rough soles. The idea is to 
have everything loose and comfortable, with 
nothing to impede the free action of the arms 
and lower limbs or to challenge the wind. 

Men wear striped or white flannel suits, flan- 
nel shirts, with belt and tie, cap and tennis 
shoes. It is usual for each player to own his 



Croquet. Boating. 205 



racquet, and it is not usual to lend racquets. 
Players invited to play tennis should be promptly 
on hand at the hour named. Players should 
not monopolize the court when there are other 
players present. Good temper and good breed- 
ing should prevail on the tennis grounds as else- 
where, A disputed point should be left to the 
umpire, but without any show of ill-temper. It 
is better to lose a point than to lose one's man- 
ners. If another insists, yield gracefully, and 
let the matter pass. Girls should avoid scream- 
ing when excited over the game. A bad player 
should not be twitted on his mistakes. 

Croquet is not in vogue at present, although 
some people are very fond of the game. It 
requires no special costume ; common sense 
would dictate that silks and dainty mulls be 
banished from any out-door game. Stout shoes, 
sun hats, thick gloves, flannel or gingham frocks 
are in order. 

Boating. — Care should be taken in assisting a 
lady in and out of a boat that she does not slip, 
or that she is not splashed with water. Gentle- 
men usually row, although some girls are ex- 



206 



(DuUQoox Ctmusements. 



perts with the oars* As rowing makes the hands 
large and muscular, many women object to it. 

Walking. — There is no exercise so healthful 
and so easily indulged in as walking. English 
and Irish maidens walk for miles every day and 
Americans are beginning to imitate them. Head 
up, chest out, body erect, firm, free steps, low- 
heeled shoes, ball of the foot down first, steady, 
rapid gait, deep inhalations through the nose, 
mouth closed, are some of the rules laid down 
in the manuals of physical culture for walking 
when it is done for its beneficial effects. (A 
cold bath followed by a brisk walk for two or 
three hours is said to cure a cold.) 

As to the etiquette of walking, a girl may 
go walking with a young man anywhere in the 
day-time. Of course, if these walks become too 
frequent people are apt to expect their wedding 
cards. Girls may go walking entirely alone. 
It is not usual to go unaccompanied to a park ; 
some girls do not go alone on business streets, 
or down-town. Fashionable maidens have big 
dogs trained to keep them company on their 
pedestrian tours. 



1Fn publtc* 



Shopping. — Travelling. — On the Street. — In the Street- 
Car. — At the Theatre. 

C7HOPPING.— It is often said that if a woman 
wants to be treated with deference and 
attention when shopping, she must wear a styl- 
ish gown, and as the salespeople have no other 
way save by appearances of judging their cus- 
tomers, this may be true. Certainly a woman 
in a frayed-out frock and old-fashioned hat will 
not suggest a well-filled purse, and a well-filled 
purse is the most interesting object to those 
whose business it is to see that the purse does 
not retain its plethoric condition. 

The well-bred woman does not disdain to 
speak a friendly word to those waiting on her ; 
she asks courteously for what she wants. If the 
article does not suit she says so, and does not 
take it ; if she wants a cheaper quality she does 

not hesitate to ask for it ; if the price seems too 
207 



208 



3n public. 



dear, she does not say that the article is not 
worth it, but that she does not care to pay so 
much. She does not haggle over the price, nor 
say that other shops are more reasonable in 
their charges. She does not have the clerk pull 
down goods merely out of caprice, but on the 
other hand she remembers that the goods are 
there to be sold, and to be examined, so she ex- 
amines as much as she thinks necessary before 
making her purchase. She considers that " If 
you please, " and " Thank you, " are easily said, so 
she does not hesitate to say them ; at the same 
time she avoids all appearance of familiarity. 
In Mexico the shoppers shake hands with the 
salespeople and the most punctilious courtesies 
are exchanged. We Americans adopt a middle 
course. Many times, in point of blood and 
breeding, those behind the counter are superior 
to those in front of it. If a mistake is made in 
a bill the well-bred woman does not lose her 
temper or indulge in angry words ; she goes to 
the one whose business it is to rectify errors 
and explains in a lady-like way. 

Bills are due on the first of every month, and, 



Shopping. 



209 



as a rule, merchants like to have them paid at 
that time. 

Impertinence from an employe may be 
checked by a stare, or, if persisted in, by the 
request that another salesman be sent to show 
the desired articles. As a rule the impertinence 
is from the buyer, the salespeople being only 
too anxious to make a sale. 

Women should not invade millinery depart- 
ments or fancy-work bazaars to " cribbage" ideas 
to be carried out at home. If they can look 
without giving extra trouble to those in charge, 
of course there is no objection to their doing so. 
Some women make a practice of overhauling 
every article in a fancy-work department, espe- 
cially about holiday time, getting ideas, without 
the least intention of making a purchase. A 
high sense of honor would not permit this. A 
word might be said about the very unlady-like 
behavior of supposed ladies at a bargain coun- 
ter. Pushing, hauling seems to be the order. 
The well-bred woman awaits her turn, or if in 
a hurry, asks if another salesman cannot be de- 
tailed to wait on her. 
14 



2IO 



3n public. 



She is not unduly long in making a purchase, 
or in deciding not to make it. Some women go 
shopping without having the least idea, appar- 
ently, of what they want. It is not wise to ask 
the advice of the salesman, as it is his business 
to sell the goods, not to decide as to their suit- 
ability for a customer. Experienced shoppers 
make out a list of the things they wish to buy 
and the things they wish to look at, with a view 
to future purchase. As many stores object to 
exchanging articles, one's judgment should be 
exercised before making a purchase. In some 
shops things may be taken out on approval, but 
this privilege should not be abused. One wo- 
man had a spring wrap sent home so that her 
dressmaker could see it and copy the style, and 
then returned it as being too small. But some 
people's ideas of honor and honesty are very 
primitive. 

Travelling. — In Europe, especially on the con- 
tinent, no respectable woman ever travels aloni ; 
in America a woman may go from one ocean 
to the other with perfect propriety and perfect 
safety. Unless in case of extreme necessity, it 



211 



is not usual for very young girls belonging to 
the best-bred families to go about the world 
alone, but for a woman, married or single, who 
has reached years of discretion this is one of 
her privileges. It is more pleasant, of course, 
to have a companion, but since this is not always 
convenient, the woman who wishes may always 
go alone in this country. 

She should be becomingly and soberly 
dressed ; nothing light or conspicuous about 
her person, well gloved, well shod, with a veil 
and a comfortable wrap. She should reduce her 
hand-baggage to the smallest possible compass. 
If there is a man on whom she can call to pur- 
chase her ticket, get a time-table, engage her 
berth, send an expressman for her trunk, and a 
carriage for herself at the proper hour, she is 
saved some little trouble which otherwise w T ill 
fall on her own shoulders. If the train leave at 
night it is best to have a man or an elderly wo- 
man accompany her to the station and remain 
with her until the hour for departure. Two 
extremes are to be avoided, arriving five seconds 
too late or an hour too soon ; both are disagree- 



2 12 



3n public. 



able. In purchasing her ticket a woman must 
take her place in line and not try to rush in 
ahead because she happens to be a woman. 

Women are accused of asking conductors, por- 
ters, and fellow-travellers the questions which 
her time-card answers, but this is by some au- 
thorities considered a slander on the sex. Any 
unusual question which it may be desirable to 
know one need not hesitate to ask. 

A tip to the porter must not be forgotten ; a 
quarter for a short distance, fifty cents for a 
long one, and, if it be unusually long, a dollar or 
even two, will not be badly invested in securing 
the obsequious attentions of the dusky autocrat. 
Porters are prohibited from taking charge of 
valuables, and the Pullman Company claim that 
they are not responsible for articles of value 
lost in their cars. 

People of refined feelings who travel a great 
deal have had occasion to wish that some other 
people, especially men, would not carry their 
dishabille to and from their berths quite so far 
as they do. A man without coat or waistcoat, 
collar or cuffs, or even shoes ; a woman in an 



<£rat>elltttg. 



213 



unbelted Mother Hubbard wrapper or an un- 
buttoned bodice, are not the most pleasing spec- 
tacles in the world. 

A man might slip on his coat, and a woman 
should have a dark serge or flannel wrapper 
made with a belt, or a long travelling cloak, to 
wear to and from her berth to the dressing- 
room. She should go to the dressing-room when 
ready to retire, disrobe, brush her hair, plait it, 
then twist it up loosely, put on her wrapper and 
bedroom slippers, fold her clothes into a compact 
bundle, and return to her berth, where, in a mo- 
ment, she can slip her feet out of the slippers, 
pull the hair-pins from her hair, loosen her belt, 
and be ready for slumber. In the morning she 
can easily put on her slippers, fasten her belt, 
put up her hair, and present a decent appear- 
ance as she goes through the car. There is no 
satisfaction, and less comfort, in trying to dress 
in a berth. Of course, in case of a crowded car, 
this must often be done. Women are told peri- 
odically about their selfishness and rudeness in 
going to the dressing-room and keeping posses- 
sion despite the others waiting outside the door; 



214 



3n public. 



a well-bred woman never does this, and the ill- 
bred do not care for all the cautions in the 
world. On some cars separate compartments 
are taking the place of the ordinary berths. 

When travelling, a young lady does not permit 
a strange man to converse with her; an elderly 
or married lady may do so if she wishes. On 
long journeys the people occupying adjacent 
seats usually make each other's acquaintance. 
One need not be afraid of exchanging a friendly 
word. 

A young lady is never placed in the es- 
pecial care of a young man, but if both happen 
to be on the same train, of course he shows her 
the usual courtesies. An engaged couple are 
not permitted by the usages of good society to 
travel on the same train. 

Before taking a seat by the side of another, 
even if it be the only unoccupied seat in the 
car, one must always ask if the seat be disen- 
gaged or unoccupied. A person who has loaded 
a seat with bundles will remove them without 
waiting to be asked in a crowded car. She will 
have to do so any way, and she might as well 



Crat>eHtttg. 



2I 5 



do it gracefully. If there be another vacant seat 
in the car a person will not attempt to share one 
already occupied. 

A true gentleman will always relinquish his 
seat in a chair-car to a woman who is standing. 
He can take refuge in the smoking-car. 

As a rule, men resign the lower berths to 
women in a crowded sleeper, but some women 
prefer the upper berth ; it is more retired, and 
there is less noise and disturbance from the 
passers-by. Climbing in and out is a little dis- 
agreeable, but in this day of gymnasium prac- 
tice nobody minds that. 

Before opening a window one must always 
ask if it be agreeable to one's neighbor. 

Women travelling with children should see 
that they do not make little nuisances of them- 
selves. No one likes to be cross to a child even 
when sorely tempted, but the mother comes in 
for her full share of black looks, or at least black 
thoughts. 

Loud laughter, singing, spitting on the floor, 
throwing breadcrumbs about or banana-peels, 
are some of the things avoided by well- 



3it public. 



bred people when travelling, as at any other 
time. 

A man will always offer to raise or lower a 
window, assist with baggage, pick up a paper, 
or perform any little courtesy for a lady who is 
without an escort, but he does not presume on 
this to enter into a conversation. Low but dis- 
tinctly uttered thanks are all that is required on 
the part of the woman. Anything like familiar- 
ity or exchange of confidences is in the worst 
possible taste with strangers. An acquaintance 
formed when travelling ends with the journey. 
On shipboard, or on the deck of a steamboat, 
more sociability is the custom than on the 
train. 

It is well to be met at the station if one is 
travelling alone, but if this is not possible, then 
a carriage to one's destination should be taken 
as speedily as possible. It is not safe for a 
woman to go about at night in a hack in a 
strange city ; a messenger boy can always be 
called into service. 

It is not pleasant for a woman to go alone to 
a hotel, but necessity knows no law. She drives 



(Impelling. 



217 



to the ladies' entrance, goes up to the parlor, 
sends her name and address on a blank card to 
the clerk, by a bell-boy, after which she is con- 
ducted to her room. In some hotels in the East 
a woman entirely unaccompanied is not received. 

Everything like loud laughter or talking or 
scolding is avoided by the well-bred woman at 
a hotel. The partitions are often so thin that 
family secrets and connubial quarrels are apt to 
become public if uttered in a loud tone. " Tips" 
to the waiter at table are in order. 

When a gentleman accompanies a lady he 
takes her to the waiting-room before going to 
see about the luggage. He never leaves her 
standing on the platform. She reimburses him 
for her expenses as soon as they are on the 
train ; or, better still, she gives him her purse, 
or a sum of money to cover the expense, before 
starting. She must insist that every item be 
reckoned in the settlement. Some men, with 
their big-hearted generosity, refuse to count the 
little things, but no well-bred woman will per- 
mit of their being overlooked. 

The well-bred girl will always show any little 



218 



3n public. 



attentions in her power to an elderly woman with 
her. Or she will not hesitate to do a kindly 
act for a tired mother, a little child, or the be- 
wildered rustic unused to travel. 

All eccentricity in dress or manner is to be 
avoided by travellers. 

When going abroad. — So many chatty and 
instructive books of travel are now written 
that any one may learn what to do when con- 
templating a trip abroad. Sensible tourists 
compress their belongings into a steamer trunk 
which fits into the stateroom. A woman wears 
a neat tailor frock and hat and gloves to match 
to the ship, but immediately takes them off, and 
assumes a serge or homespun gown, intended 
especially for ocean travel ; stout shoes, gloves, 
a cap or close-fitting hat, and a warm wrap, 
with a waterproof cloak, make up her outfit de 
voyage. Thus attired she can walk the deck 
and defy the spray. Passengers should provide 
themselves with steamer-chairs, travelling-rugs, 
cushions and reading-matter. It may be re- 
marked, by the way, that chairs purchased up- 
town cost about one-half the price asked for 



£rat>etttng. 



them at the docks. People carry their -favorite 
remedies for vial de mer, electro-homoeopathic, 
and other kinds. When sea-sick one asks only 
to be let alone, permitted to die in peace. Pas- 
sengers are courteous and friendly on ship- 
board, but they should not become intimate. 
Those having the ability take part readily in 
the impromptu concerts, etc., organized to re- 
lieve the monotony, but one should avoid at- 
tracting notice. 

Just before landing the steamer outfit is 
packed away and the tailor frock again assumed. 
Tips must not be forgotten for the stewardess, 
waiter, etc. 

Americans are considered as the legitimate 
prey of foreigners, so if money be an object it 
is well to make one's terms before deciding 
upon a hotel, carriage, etc. Candles, ice-water, 
etc., and any attentions are extra. Tips are 
expected at every move. 

When visiting churches men remove their 
hats, and all talking is prohibited. It is cus- 
tomary to bestow a pecuniary remembrance on 
the cicerone. This is also done when visiting 



220 



3tt public. 



convents, monasteries, etc. - Well-bred people 
do not make themselves disagreeable to their 
fellow-tourists, in hotels or railway compart- 
ments or elsewhere. 

In Rome it is well to remember to do as the 
Romans. 

When returning home all dutiable articles 
should be at once declared to the custom-house 
officials. This course is the safest as well as 
the most honorable. 

To make a foreign trip both pleasurable and 
profitable, one should be well-read on the coun- 
tries to be visited and the history of their 
people. 

On the street. — The well-bred woman dresses 
soberly and inconspicuously for the street. The 
trim tailor gowns, with small hat or bonnet, 
stout walking-shoes, well-fitting gloves, tiny 
face-veil are in high favor with conservative 
women. The primary law on any public thor- 
oughfare is : Keep to the right. Well-bred people 
do not stand to converse on the street ; if two 
friends have anything to say to each other they 
walk side by side, the man going in the direc- 



©n tf?e Street. 



221 



tion of the woman, or the younger woman in 
that of the elder, or the woman of unlimited 
leisure in that of the busy woman. Loud laugh- 
ter, loud tones, calling across the street, staring 
at passers-by, turning to look at another, are 
faults to be avoided. Running against others 
through carelessness or abstraction, letting the 
parasol catch in another's veil, holding an um- 
brella to drip on the shoulder of one's companion, 
walking three or four abreast, throwing banana- 
peels on the pavement, are faults of the selfish as 
well as of the vulgar. Spitting on the pave- 
ment is a privilege claimed by tramps only. 
Well-bred people do not eat candy or peanuts, 
or anything else, or chew gum on the street. 

A woman bows first to a man in this country ; 
in Europe this rule is reversed. At a crossing 
or a muddy place in the walk a man turns aside 
for a woman, a younger woman for an elderly 
one. The recipient of the courtesy must bow 
and say " Thank you ;" the man paying it lifts 
his hat. When in doubt as to a street or a di- 
rection one can always apply with perfect pro- 
priety to a policeman. 



222 



3n public 



In large cities there are sometimes to be found 
a class of brainless coxcombs and worse, who 
make a practice of annoying women, especially 
when they are on the street alone ; the best way 
is to appear deaf, and to get out of their way 
as soon as possible ; if they persist in their an- 
noyance a policeman may be spoken to. or the 
girl may step into the first drug-store and ask for 
postage-stamps. Many women make the rule 
of never going on the street alone, but often- 
times this cannot be avoided. Of course, no 
respectable woman ever indulges in what is 
called a street flirtation. A plucky girl was 
once annoyed by one of these men ; for a block 
she paid no attention to him and his protesta- 
tions of admiration ; then with an air of being 
tired of his persistence, and pretending that she 
did not understand his language, took out her 
purse and offered him a dime, saying in French 
that it was all she could afford to give him. It 
need hardly be added that he rejected the dime 
and disappeared down another street. 

When walking with a woman a man gives her 
the inside of the pavement, but if they turn cor- 



<Dn tfje Street. 



223 



ners frequently it is not necessary that he change 
his position to keep on theoutside. A man does 
not offer his arm in the day-time unless the 
pavements be slippery, or his companion very 
old or an invalid. When walking with two ladies 
a man walks on the outside, the second girl next 
to her companion. If at night, the one next to 
him takes his arm, the other the arm of her 
companion. 

One girl walking with two men is placed be- 
tween them, but she takes the arm of neither in 
the day-time. If at night, the man on the out- 
side will offer his arm. A woman always takes 
a man's arm, she never permits him to take hers. 

On the promenade or boulevard where peo- 
ple are constantly passing and repassing each 
other, they exchange salutations but once — on 
first meeting. 

People should bow the head, not merely nod, 
or, worse still, make a facial contortion and 
imagine that they have greeted their friends 
properly. Staring on the street, in any public 
place, at strangers, is both rude and annoying 
to the victim. 



224 



3rt public. 



A titter or a comment on the personal appear- 
ance of another is worse. 

If a person unavoidably runs against another, 
an apology is in order. A man lifts his hat both 
in making or receiving the apology. A man 
always carries the bundles and packages of the 
woman with whom he is walking. If there be 
a great many she will insist on carrying some 
of them herself. 

A man always picks up a package for a wo- 
man, whether he knows her or not. 

A gentleman does not smoke on the street 
unless it be comparatively deserted. He must 
throw away his cigar upon meeting a woman 
with whom he wishes to converse ; or he may 
hold it in his hand if it be a fresh one, but he 
must apologize for so doing. Before bowing to 
a lady he must remove the cigar from his mouth, 
and not resume his smoking until she has passed. 
Before joining a woman he may chance to meet, 
a gentleman must ask her permission. 

No man, not a brute, ever addresses a woman 
whom he does not know, even though she be 
some poor little fool who does not realize the 



3n the Street=£ar. 



225 



degradation to true womanhood of a street flir- 
tation. 

If a man steps on a woman's gown or brushes 
against her he must apologize, lifting his hat at 
the same time. The proper expression is: "I 
beg your pardon." An old-fashioned country- 
man, whose heart is better than his manners,, 
might say : " Excuse me, miss, I hope I ain't hurt 
your dress." 

When a man escorts a lady to her home he 
waits until she is admitted ; a savage might 
leave her at the gate, or on the steps. 

In the street-car. — A gentleman always offers 
his seat to a woman in a crowded car. If the 
man be very old, or a workman returning from 
a hard day's work, the unselfish woman declines 
it. We hear a great deal about the woman who 
fails to thank a man for this courtesy, but very 
few have ever seen her. The ■' Thank you" must 
be low, but audible, accompanied with a slight 
bow. The man lifts his hat. 

When two or three women enter a car to- 
gether it is usual for one of the number to pay 

for all ; the selfish or stingy one usually manages 
15 



226 



3n publk. 



to have her purse in a very inaccessible pocket, 
so that her more generous companion has the 
fare ready for the long-suffering conductor, 
while the other is protesting that she has the 
change if she can ever get to it. One should 
have the fare ready before the conductor ap- 
pears. It need hardly be said that it should not 
be held in the mouth, although it is sometimes 
done ; a nickel or a dime which has been in a 
hundred dirty, germ-breeding hands is scarcely 
a dainty article for one's mouth. 

If friends meet casually on the car, one does 
not pay for all, but each pays for herself. If 
several are going in a party, they sometimes 
deposit their fare with one of their number. 
When two are together it is rude for one to say. 
"I'll pay now, and you can pay coming back." 
It should be taken for granted that this would 
be done. Still this phrase is oftentimes heard. 

A woman should remember that she has paid 
for but one seat, and should not attempt to oc- 
cupy three with her bundles or her gown. 

It is not pleasant to have a rough, dirty.- 
tobacco-smelling man sit close to one. but in 



Ctt the ^Theatre. 



227 



the caste-levelling street-car it cannot always be 
avoided. 

Women should not enter a smoking-car; men 
should not smoke in any other. 

Neither men nor women should sprawl their 
feet across the floor for other people to stumble 
over. 

When entering or leaving a car one should do 
so as quickly as possible so as to avoid unneces- 
sary delay. Before entering a car one must 
wait for those leaving it to be off the steps. 
One need not study physics to understand how 
impossible it is for one crowd to leave and an- 
other one to enter at the same time. 

People from the country should remember 
that a car stops only on the far crossing. 

At the theatre. — The best-bred people are 
usually in their seats before the curtain goes 
up; if they enter after the performance has 
begun they do so as quietly as possible. At a 
concert the ushers very properly refuse to seat 
the delinquents until after the number is fin- 
ished. 

A man escorting ladies should procure the 



228 



3n public. 



tickets in advance so as to avoid leaving them 
alone and the delay in the lobby. It has some- 
times happened that a woman has been left en- 
tirely alone while her ill-bred escort was getting 
the tickets. 

In going down the aisle the man precedes 
the woman, but stands aside for her to enter 
and take the inside seat. Of course he has 
taken off his hat at the entrance. All talking 
during the performance is extremely annoying, 
both to the person addressed and to the occu- 
pants of neighboring seats. Exclamations of 
"How lovely!" "Isn't that grand?" are avoided 
by the well-bred woman. Comments belong to 
the intermissions between the acts. It should be 
taken for granted that one's companion has 
eyes and ears and taste as well as one's self, 
and that there is no necessity for any informa- 
tion as to the play or the frocks worn by the 
leading lady. No gentleman ever goes out be- 
tween the acts, leaving a lady alone. 

The unselfish woman wears to the theatre a 
small hat or bonnet. 

A movement has recently been started to have 



at tye (Theatre. 



229 



hats and wraps left in the dressing-room. Others 
advocate scarfs which can be removed. 

A street costume or visiting-gown should be 
worn to the theatre, unless one be a member of 
a box party; in that case evening costume is 
worn, and carriages convey the party to the 
theatre. 

It is not good form for a young lady to go 
alone with a man to the theatre. Her mother 
or a chaperon must accompany her. This rule 
is observed in large cities only, but it is the 
rule nevertheless. A woman may with perfect 
propriety invite a man to accompany herself 
and her charge to the theatre, she, of course, 
furnishing the tickets. Or a daughter may write 
the note in her mother's name. 

Among the bores who frequent the theatre 
and other places of amusement may be reck- 
oned : the woman who has seen the play before, 
and who unfolds the plot and describes the 
acting during the first scene ; the woman who 
chatters constantly ; the woman who indulges in 
exclamations of delight or disgust ; the woman 
who takes small children with her and permits 



23° 



3n public* 



them to cry or talk or whine; the woman who 
wears a big hat ; the woman who chews gum, 
or audibly masticates peanuts or pop-corn ; the 
man who makes six people stand up for him to 
go out between the acts ; the man who does any 
of the things ascribed to the bores of the other 
sex. 

Theatre parties. — A favorite form of enter- 
tainment with young men is the theatre party. 
One desiring to give a theatre party asks a well- 
known matron to act as chaperon, and then in- 
vites by note those he wishes as guests. A man 
requests the honor, not the pleasure, of one's 
company when asking a lady. 

He engages the boxes and provides carriages 
for all of his guests. After the theatre he gives 
them a supper. Two young men often give a 
theatre party together. 

It is not good form for a girl to go with a 
man to a restaurant without a chaperon. 



WLebbings. 

The Engagement. — Wedding Cards. — A Church Wedding. 
— Bridesmaids. — The Best Man. — The Ushers. — The 
Reception. — Bridal Presents. — Widows. — After the 
Wedding. — Certain Questions Answered. 

/^HE engagement. — After a young couple ar- 
^-^^ rive at an understanding themselves, the 
consent of the bride's parents is asked and their 
blessing. A few who have been brought up to 
respect old-world usages ask permission of the 
parents to formally address the daughter first, 
but this is not usual. The bride-elect writes 
notes to her near relatives and most intimate 
friends, or conveys the news verbally of her 
engagement and the date of its formal an- 
nouncement; this news is of course supposed to 
be kept a secret until formally announced by 
the young lady's mother, or if she be an orphan 
by a relative or her chaperon. Soon after the 
engagement this announcement is made, either 

at a luncheon or at a dinner; after that it is 
231 



232 



public news, and usually finds its way into the 
society columns of the Sunday papers. If there 
be any reason for secrecy the announcement is 
not made public at all, and the pair may, if they 
wish, keep it a secret from every one excepting 
the parents until shortly before the marriage is 
to take place ; society decrees, however, that a 
formal announcement must take place before 
the wedding. This, like many other rules, may 
have an exception. After the announcement 
all of the relatives and friends of the couple 
congratulate them — by note or verbally, and 
a series of entertainments usually follow : din- 
ners, luncheons, etc., at which, of course, the 
guests of honor are the affianced pair. The 
family of the groom must immediately call on 
the bride-elect, whether they have previously 
known her or not, or if they live in a distant 
city they must write a hearty letter of welcome 
to their home ; they do not write congratulations, 
however, as it is the groom and his family who 
are supposed to be congratulated on securing 
the bride, not the bride on securing a husband. 
The old rule was to congratulate the groom 



dfye (Sttgagement. 



233 



and extend good wishes to the bride ; practically 
it is a distinction without a difference. 

The groom gives his fiancee an engagement 
ring, a diamond solitaire if he can afford it, 
engraved with initials and the date of the en- 
gagement inside: J. M. to C. W. Jan. 3d, 1893. 

It is permitted to the couple to drive out alone 
in an open cart or victoria on frequented thor- 
oughfares with a footman in attendance. They 
do not, however, go to parties or to the theatre 
alone. They may not remain at the same hotel 
or in the same house after an engagement is 
announced. If both should happen to be spend- 
ing the summer at a seaside hotel and become 
engaged under the witchery of an August 
moon, the young man must immediately take 
up his quarters at another hostelry. Or if they 
should be guests at a country-house, he must 
also take his departure. If they keep the en- 
gagement secret, however, then they may do 
as they please. After the wedding cards are 
sent out the bride-elect does not appear in pub- 
lic at any entertainment or at the theatre ; she 
may go walking or driving in a quiet way with 



2 34 



her fiance. Formerly even this was not allowed, 
and a bride's face was not supposed to be visible 
to any one outside of her own home after her 
cards were out until she appeared at the altar. 
The groom usually gives a farewell bachelor 
dinner at his club, or at some hotel, to his in- 
timates, a few days before the wedding. Dur- 
ing the engagement he may send flowers, books, 
and bonbons as lavishly as he pleases, but he 
must not send jewelry or wearing apparel of 
any kind. One young man astonished his 
friends and scandalized his enemies by present- 
ing the girl of his choice with a sealskin cloak 
for Christmas; she had the good sense, how- 
ever, to send it back to him. After the mar- 
riage he can be as generous as he pleases. 
Wedding cards. — The usual formula is: 
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson 
request the pleasure of your company 
at the wedding of their daughter Catherine to 
Maurice Patmore, 
at St. Paul's Cathedral, 
on Wednesday, April twenty-second, 
at ten o clock. 



235 



If the mother be dead, a married sister or aunt 
usually assumes a mother's place at the wedding, 
and issues the invitations, substituting sister, or 
niece, for daughter in the formula. These cards 
are always in the name of both father and 
mother, or husband and wife. If the mother or 
relative be a widow, of course she issues the 
cards in her own name alone. If the mother be 
married again the formula is still the same, the 
step-father for the occasion taking the place, 
nominally at least, of a real father. The dif- 
ference of name in that case might cause some 
confusion to strangers, and the formula may be 
changed thus : 

Mr. and Mrs. Garrett 
request the pleasure of your company 
at the marriage of their daughter 
on Tuesday, January twelfth, at nine o' clock. 
St. Johns Church. 

Then the cards of the young lady and her in- 
tended are enclosed with the invitation. 

The cards are always sent by the parents or 
relatives of the bride ; the groom gives them a 



236 



IPebbtngs. 



list of the relatives and friends of his own he 
desires to have receive cards. Wedding cards 
are thus often received by persons who are total 
strangers to the bride and her parents. 

Cards must be sent to all relatives, no matter 
whether there is any intimacy or not. A failure 
to do so means a total cessation of any further 
intercourse. Cards need not be sent to each 
member of a family. One to Mr. and Mrs. John 
Garrett and Family is sufficient. For the re- 
ception another card is enclosed with the invi- 
tation to the church : 

Reception 

at 3534 Pine Street at half -past two. 

It is not necessary to send cards to the recep- 
tion to all invited to the church ; only the rela- 
tives and intimate friends need be asked to the 
house. Cards to the church are sent to ac- 
quaintances, one's family physician, and men of 
business. 

No answer is sent to wedding cards, either for 
the church or the reception. However, if a per- 
son invited cannot attend, a visiting-card must 



IDebbmg presents. 237 



be enclosed to the bride's parents or to the 
relative issuing the invitations, to arrive on the 
day of the wedding. Perhaps it is hardly nec- 
essary to say that the card is never sent to the 
bride, but always to the person issuing the in- 
vitation, whether known to the invited guest or 
not. 

Invitations to a wedding breakfast are another 
matter, and should be answered immediately, 
as a place at table must be provided for each 
guest. 

Wedding presents. — These presents may be 
sent at any time between the announcement of 
the engagement and the wedding. There is no 
obligation to send a present outside of the rela- 
tives and immediate friends of the contracting 
parties ; therefore persons invited to a wedding 
need not scruple to omit the present even though 
they attend the wedding. Presents are always 
sent to the bride, never to the groom or to his 
home. This may appear like saying tea is never 
taken with a fork, but it is not, as a certain 
bright editor of a fashion journal can testify. 

Presents are usually sent direct from the shop 



XPebbmgs. 



where they are purchased with the card of the 
giver. Intimate friends of the groom, residing 
in a distant city, may be at a loss to know the 
address of the bride if they do not receive cards 
to the reception, but if they wish to send a 
wedding gift they can ascertain the address 
from a friend or from the groom himself, or 
from a directory. Every one sending a present 
must be invited to the wedding. 

In the selection of a wedding present taste 
and judgment should both be exercised; the 
position and means of the young couple should 
be taken into consideration. Silverware, cut 
glass, fine china, clocks, bric-a-brac, pictures, 
handwork, are all in order. The relatives and 
intimates might advantageously hold a council 
and make a list of presents to be sent, as this 
would obviate the usual deluge of sugar-spoons 
and lamps. A good rule to follow is not to send 
anything to a bride that the person would not 
care for herself. Bargain counters are to be 
avoided, and things that are out of fashion. 
No one, for instance, would think of sending a 
caster or a set of napkin-rings. 



239 



The presents are usually displayed in a room 
set apart for the purpose, at the wedding recep- 
tion. A bride may consult her own inclinations, 
however, about this display, and many do not 
exhibit the presents at all. 

The bride must write a note of thanks to 
every one sending her a gift ; this is a rule with 
no exceptions, and must never be omitted or 
deputed to any one else. The note should be 
written before the wedding, certainly at the 
soonest possible time after it. 

Every one sending a gift must be invited to 
the wedding; or if the wedding be private, then 
announcement cards afterward and the note of 
thanks take the place of an invitation. 

The wedding. — In large cities it has been 
found necessary to enclose cards of admission 
to the church with the wedding cards, to pre- 
vent the crowding of the church by a gaping 
mob of strangers. Ushers, selected from the 
intimate friends of the groom, meet each guest 
at the entrance and escort her to a seat. The 
front pews are reserved for the families and 
near relatives of the bridal pair. The relatives 



240 



tDebbmgs. 



of the groom are placed on the right side of the 
aisle near the groom's right hand; the relatives 
of the bride are at the left, near the bride's left 
hand. 

A pew is usually reserved for the servants of 
both families. 

The mother of the bride arrives shortly before 
the bridal cortege, escorted by her eldest son 
or some male relative. 

The groom with his best man arrives at the 
church early, and awaits the coming of the bride 
in the sacristy or vestry. 

In Catholic churches pries-dieu, one on each 
side, just outside the communion railing, are 
arranged for the bride and groom ; the front 
pew on the right is for the groom and his best 
man; the pew on the left for the bride and her 
attendants, The wedding is usually in the 
morning and generally takes place at a nuptial 
mass. Evening weddings are forbidden. Since 
this is the case, there is, of course, no tempta- 
tion for guests to appear in the church in decol- 
lete gowns; this is also forbidden. Whisperings 
and comments are likewise forbidden. 



(X dburcfy !X>ebMng« 



241 



Every woman must wear a bonnet or some 
covering for the head. 

If the family can afford it, the church is beau- 
tifully decorated,, hundreds of candies on the 
altar and the finest of music provided. A 
carpet is laid from the carriage to the entrance ; 
sometimes another from the entrance to the 
altar. 

The bridal procession. — The bridal party 
should arrive on time, and not keep the guests 
and clergyman waiting. The procession is 
formed in the vestibule : first come the ushers, 
two and tw r o ; then the bridesmaids, two and two ; 
according to late usage, the maid of honor, or 
first bridesmaid, walks alone, immediately pre- 
ceding the bride, or she may be followed or pre- 
ceded by some children, usually the nieces or 
little sisters of the bride ; fashion also allows 
a page, dressed of course in a velvet suit with 
silk stockings and silver buckles — these are 
details decided by the bride. Last of all comes 
the bride herself, leaning on the arm of her 
father, or of the elder brother or male relative 

who is to give her away. 
16 



242 



Webbings 



When the cortege reaches the front they break 
ranks, going to the right and left, leaving space 
for the bridal pair. The groom advances, takes 
the bride by the right hand and conducts her to 
the foot of the altar, where they both kneel. Or if 
he is kneeling on the prie-dieuhe conducts her 
to the prie-dieu opposite his own. and both 
kneel. The clergyman advances from the sac- 
risty and signals to the couple when he is ready 
to make them one. The groom takes the bride 
by her right hand, she, of course, standing at his 
left. 

After the wedding the register is brought out. 
and is signed by the contracting couple and the 
witnesses. After the ceremony the bride takes 
the arm of the groom, and they descend the 
aisle as the organ peals forth the wedding 
march. 

The rest of the bridal cortege follow in in- 
verse order from that in which they entered. 
The bridal pair get into their carriage and are 
driven to the house. 

At a nuptial mass the couple are married at 
the altar steps. It is usual for them to receive 



243 



Holy Communion, if not at the nuptial mass 
then at a low mass earlier in the morning, 
After the ceremony they return to the pries-dieu, 
where they kneel until the Pater noster ; then 
they advance to the altar steps to receive the 
nuptial blessing. 

Wedding attire. — The bride at a church wed- 
ding usually wears white silk or satin, or any 
rich material, made with a court train and with 
long or elbow sleeves and high neck. A bridal 
gown is never cut low or sleeveless. A long 
veil of tulle or lace falls from a wreath of orange 
blossoms, or is caught by a diamond coronet or 
by a fancy pin ; some brides do not like orange 
blossoms. The bridesmaids wear short dresses 
with hats, or short veils, their costumes being 
decided by the bride. They must be alike, or 
half may choose one color, half another. The 
bride wears white slippers and white gloves, 
and carries a bridal bouquet furnished by the 
groom. The third finger of the left-hand glove 
is cut so that it can be removed for the wedding 
ring without removing the whole glove. The 
groom wears the conventional morning dress, 



244 



tPebbhtgs. 



Prince Albert or frock coat, light trousers and 
a boutonniere to match the bouquet of the bride. 
He may wear gloves or not as he pleases. No 
gentleman in America ever puts on evening 
dress for his wedding before nightfall. It is 
sometimes done in very new places or by new 
people, but it is not good form. 

Presents to the bridesmaids and ushers. — The 
groom presents each of his ushers with a scarf- 
pin or some little token, and the bride gives her 
maids a fan or a ring or some present. Or the 
groom may give the present to the bridesmaids 
and the bride furnish the scarf-pins for the 
ushers. 

The bridegroom must not forget the wedding 
ring, of plain gold engraved with the date of 
the wedding (this ring in Catholic weddings is 
blessed by the clergyman) ; the license, the 
witnesses, the bouquet to the bride, the fee 
for the clergyman. 

The duties of best man are to accompany the 
bridegroom to the church, pay the clergyman's 
fee, sign the marriage register. After the cere- 
mony he hurries into a cab and drives to the 



Cbe ^Reception, 



2 45 



house, where he assists the ushers in presenting 
the guests to the bridal pair. 

Widows are not allowed to be married at a 
nuptial mass, nor do they receive the nuptial 
blessing. A widower marrying a girl goes 
through the same ceremony as if it were his 
first wedding. A widow does not wear white 
for her bridal gown, nor does she wear a veil. 
Of course she removes the wedding ring of her 
first bridal. She does not have bridesmaids. 

At the reception. — The house is beautifully 
decorated in appropriate designs, cut flowers, 
ferns, and perhaps a marriage bell, or a horse- 
shoe for luck ; an orchestra is stationed in the hall. 
The bridal couple stand near the front drawing- 
room door, surrounded by the bridesmaids, 
half near the bride, half near the groom. The 
mother, assisted perhaps by her eldest daugh- 
ter, welcomes the guests ; they then pass on to 
the bridal pair, are presented by the ushers, say 
a few words, and go on to the dining-room or 
mingle with the crowd. 

Refreshments are of the kind usual to any re- 
ception, only, of course, they are more elabo- 



246 



XPebbhtgs. 



rate; champagne and rare clarets flow more 
freely, and the viands are of the choicest. 

A wedding breakfast. — For this the table is 
beautifully decorated, costliest china and plate 
and finest napery are used. Bouillon in cups, 
boned turkey and all kinds of game, salads, 
oysters, ices, jellies, bonbons, fruits, champagne 
and other wines are offered at a wedding break- 
fast. Coffee and tea or chocolate are not usually 
served. 

The order observed on entering the dining- 
room. — The bride and bridegroom go first, and 
are seated together at the head of the table ; 
then the bride's father with the groom's mother 
or nearest female relative ; then the bride's 
mother with the groom's father; then the best 
man with the maid of honor ; then the brides- 
maids with the ushers; then the other guests as 
the mother may have arranged. A sister of the 
bride is usually the maid of honor. The wedding 
cake is set before the bride, who cuts a slice. 

The health of the bridal couple is then pro- 
posed, usually by the father of the groom, or by 
some gentleman selected for that honor, and is 



(The Kcceptton. 



247 



responded to by the father of the bride. Some- 
times the groom responds. It is his duty to 
propose the health of the bridesmaids, to which 
toast the best man responds. 

Breakfast en buffet, or a stand-tip breakfast, 
is often served. It is less trouble, and more 
people can be asked to it. It is served much 
like a collation at an ordinary reception. The 
bride and groom usually stand at the head of 
the table, and the bride cuts the wedding cake. 

After an hour and a half or perhaps two hours, 
the bride withdraws to change her bridal robes 
for her travelling gown; her maid of honor as- 
sists at this function, and the most intimate 
friends remain to see the couple off and scatter 
rice at their heels for good luck. Some one, 
usually the best man or the first bridesmaid, 
shies an old shoe at them as they descend the 
steps, for the same reason. If a grain of rice 
alights on the top of the carriage it portends a 
long and happy married life. The old rhymes 
require a bride to wear 

" Something old and something new 
Something borrowed, and something blue." 



248 



Of course the groom takes the bride away 
from her home in a carriage furnished by him- 
self or by his parents. 

A widow cannot act as a bridesmaid; neither 
can a married woman, however young, have 
this honor. It is the prerogative of a girl alone. 

Nor can a widower or married man act as 
usher or best man. 

Sometimes a dance follows the reception. If 
so, the bride must not dance round dances, nor 
may she dance many of any kind. She may, 
however, dance square dances. 

A wedding at home, — At a home wedding at- 
tendants are usually dispensed with ; the family 
and invited friends assemble in the drawing- 
room, the clergyman enters first and faces the 
company, the bridal pair follow and face the 
clergyman. After the vows are pronounced, the 
register signed, the clergyman withdraws from 
his place, the couple turn around and receive 
the congratulations of their friends and relatives. 
The parents and most intimate friends kiss the 
bride, but this is not permitted to the others, 
at least by the usages of the best society. A 



a Quiet ttfebbmg. 



249 



shake of the hand must suffice for them. A 
marriage-bell of flowers or smilax may be sus- 
pended under which the pair plight their troth, 
and if any attempt is made to have the wedding 
a social function music must be provided. 

For a quiet wedding the pair may go to the 
church with their relatives and witnesses, be 
married, the bride wearing a travelling dress; 
drive to her home, partake of a wedding break- 
fast or some simple refreshments, and leave 
immediately on a bridal tour, or for their own 
home. 

In a word, a wedding may be a very grand 
affair or it may be very simple. Some brides 
say that as a wedding occurs only once in a 
lifetime it ought to be made an occasion of 
general rejoicing; others say it is too solemn 
an affair to be made a social function of, 
and the quiet plighting of vows to be kept 
until death, through good report and evil 
report, is more in keeping with the spirit of 
marriage. But in all ages and among all peo- 
ples marriage has been celebrated with rejoic- 
ings. 



25 o 



Webbings 



The toilets of guests.— \i only invited to the 
church, any fashionable, well-fitting tailor or 
street gown is suitable. For the reception, a 
reception toilet must be worn with a faultless 
bonnet and gloves. Mourning must never be 
worn at a wedding, no matter for whom it was 
assumed or how recently. Nor is plain black 
allowed: the woman in mourning who wishes 
to attend a wedding must wear colors. 

When a near relative is to be married, even a 
widow puts aside her mourning, no matter how 
short a time it has been worn, and attends the 
wedding. For a friend or distant relative it is 
considered better taste to remain away, sending 

Black velvet trimmed in point lace, black lace 
enlivened with flowers or made over colored silk 
are allowed, or a handsome black silk, trimmed 
in white lace, or relieved with some color. 

If invited to the reception, a guest must call 
or leave cards on the bride within two weeks 
after the wedding, also on the mother. If only 
invited to the church the call need not be made 
so soon, and some consider that a call paid dur- 



Ctrmouncement Carbs. 



ing the season and an invitation to some social 
function are all that is required. 

These calls must be paid whether the invita- 
tion to the wedding was accepted or not. 

No one should feel offended at being omitted 
from the reception ; it is simply impossible for 
a hostess with a large circle of friends to invite 
everybody, even all she would most like to have. 

Announcement cards are sent ou.t by the bride's 
parents where the wedding has been private. 

Mr. and Mrs. George Garrett 
announce the marriage of their daughter 
Beatrice to Mr. Eugene Morrison 
on Tuesday, April twelfth, at 
St. John s Church, 
St. Louis. 

These cards must be sent to all the friends 
and relatives of both bride and bridegroom 
whose acquaintance is desired in the future. An 
omission means a cessation of acquaintance. 
Sometimes a person is forgotten, but it generally 
requires more than the most abject apology to 
restore peace. 



IPebMrtgs. 



No woman not raised in a wilderness or an 
allev would word the announcement after the 
newspaper formula paid for at so much a line. 
Thus: 

Married. Blank-Crank. Dottie Blank to 
James Crank, Wednesday, Sept. ioth, at St. 
Philip's Church. No cards. 

The term, " no cards," is never used by well- 
bred people in inserting a marriage notice in a 
newspaper or anywhere else. 

Nicknames or pet names, like Jimmie, Kittie, 
Dottie, Mamie, are never used on wedding 
cards. The full baptismal name is usually given. 
Marie, Louise, Martha, Maria. Sarah. Lucinda. 
must always do duty at a wedding, whatever pet 
name may supersede them on ordinary occa- 
sions. — % 

The trousseau. — The trousseau is supposed 
to include sufficient wearing apparel — under- 
wear, gloves, handkerchiefs, shoes, hosiery, 
corsets, etc., to do for a year at least. A 
useless quantity of lingerie is, however, now 
discouraged by the best society, or too many 



Cbe Crousseau. 



2S3 



gowns, as the}' get out of fashion before a chance 
is offered to wear them, Enough, but not too 
much, is the motto for the trousseau of the 
well-raised bride. She is usually given a sum of 
money with which she purchases new hats or 
any article of wearing apparel needed during 
the first months after marriage. Six months, 
some claim, is long enough to provide for in 
the matter of gowns, as the fashions change so 
rapidly. 

Of course the groom is not allowed to furnish 
any part of the trousseau. The bride herself 
should be relieved as far as possible of all con- 
cern for her clothes, as the time of her engage- 
ment, the last months of girlhood, should be 
happy and free from care ; and a pale, tired 
bride, worn out with sewing and worry over in- 
competent dressmakers, is not a pleasing object 
on her bridal day. 

The trousseau should also be adapted to the 
future position and residence of the bride ; if 
she marries a wealthy man with fashionable 
friends, her clothes must be somewhat different 
from those of the bride who goes to live on a 



254 



IDebbtngs. 



Western cattle-ranch. Again people of moder- 
ate means had better put the extra money in 
things for the house rather than in expensive 
gowns which will not be needed. Common 
sense here, as everywhere else, should rule. 

A well-bred bride will not make the mistake 
common with brides who are not well bred, of 
wearing her trousseau tea-gowns in the evening 
or at breakfast in a boarding-house or hotel. 
These gowns are intended for afternoon wear at 
home, or for the eye of the husband alone, not 
for the strangers in a boarding-house parlor or 
dining-room. 

Household linen is also provided by the bride's 
family. 

After the wedding. — At Home cards are usu- 
ally sent out with the invitations to the wedding. 

At Home 
After May fifth. 
jj East Tejon Street. 

After the return of the bridal pair from their 
tour, a large reception is given in their honor 
by the mother of the groom ; or if she be not 



2 55 



residing in the same city, by the mother of the 
bride, or by some intimate friend. Relatives 
and friends, and especially the bridesmaids, 
must hasten to show attentions to the young 
couple ; dinners, luncheons, and receptions are 
given for them. It is usual for the bride to 
have a series of reception days immediately 
after her return from her wedding journey; 
two or four. Refreshments are served, and 
music may be provided. 

The wedding jour7iey may be long or short or 
dispensed with altogether. Some couples have 
gone for a few days to some retired nook, and 
then returned to take their place in society as 
married people in their own home, with all the 
dignity of a matron and a householder. Well- 
bred people do not require any caution in re- 
gard to the exhibition of affection in public. 

A couple going a few miles to visit a relative, 
or spend a few days at a hotel, should not give 
out that they are " going East " or North or 
South on their tour. 

A certain lady had a comely cook who was 
married, and who told her former mistress that 



tDebbtngs, 



she was going East on her wedding journey. It 
transpired that the couple really went to Alton. 
As they were married in St. Louis, she had, of 
course, stated the literal truth. 

All expenses of the wedding must be borne by 
the bride's family. If she be an orphan she 
pays for them herself. It is never good form 
for the groom's family to furnish the carriages 
or provide for the reception, etc. 

If a bride has no relative or friend to attend 
to these matters for her, then the wedding must 
be quiet. After their return from their wedding 
journey the groom's family may give as lavish 
a reception as they please. 



MeDfcing Bnntversarles* 

The Wooden Wedding. — The Tin Wedding. — The Silver 
Wedding. — The Golden Wedding. 

HE anniversaries most generally celebrated 
are : the wooden wedding — five years after 
marriage ; the tin — ten years after ; the silver — 
twenty-five years after ; the golden — fifty years 
after marriage. The diamond wedding, sixty 
years after marriage, has been celebrated by 
but few people in the world's history, al- 
though there have been couples who lived to 
do so. 

The wooden wedding is not usually celebrated 
except informally. The friends of the married 
pair may have some fun and contribute to a 
pleasant evening by sending rolling-pins, a 
wooden spoon, a toy step-ladder, and other 
devices. They may also use the occasion for 
making some very handsome presents, as, in 
this day of artistic wood-carving, there is really 

17 257 



258 XPebbtng Ctmttoerscmes. 

no limit to the dainty and beautiful things 
which may be selected. Anything made of 
wood may be offered, so in view of the presents 
this anniversary might be made the most wel- 
come of all the anniversaries. 

Wedding anniversaries are usually honored 
by the married pair by a dinner party, a recep- 
tion, or some assemblage of their friends, even 
though they do not formally announce the affair 
as a wedding anniversary — sometimes to pre- 
vent their friends bringing presents. 

The tin wedding is more generally celebrated 
than the wooden. Of course the presents are 
all of tin. Sometimes quaint conceits in tin are 
offered for the sake of the hearty laugh to follow 
their exhibition. 

The silver wedding is always celebrated with 
great rejoicing. The couple, then in the hey- 
day of their maturity and charm, surrounded 
by their lifelong friends, their children, and 
sometimes by little tots of grandchildren, look 
back on the happy, useful years that are past, 
and look forward with bright hopes on the years 
to come. 



abe rtlrer WeMnq. 



2 59 



The invitations to a wedding anniversary 
party may read : 

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Fulton 
At Home, January eighteenth, at eight o l clock. 
Silver Wedding. 
3638 Lindell Boulevard. 
1868. 1893. 

Another form : 

1868. 1893. 
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Fulton 
request the pleasure of your company 
on Wednesday, January eighteenth, 
at eight o' clock. 
Silver Wedding. 
Robert Fulton. Catherine ±\ orris. 

. The invitations may be engraved on silver 
cards. Sometimes the matron wears her wed- 
ding gown if her figure is still slender enough 
to permit of her getting into it. Very fre- 
quently the nuptial blessing is given by the 
clergyman who married them, A wedding cake 
containing a ring is provided, and is cut by the 



260 IDebbmg Ctnntoersanes. 



wife, as she did as a bride twenty-five years 
before. 

Refreshments as for any other entertainment 
are provided. Healths are drunk, and the oc- 
casion made as merry as possible. Of course 
all who attend congratulate the pair and express 
the wish that the golden wedding will find them 
well and happy, or that many more years may 
add their blessings to the past. It is never 
amiss to. tell the matron that she looks far too 
young to be celebrating a silver wedding. 

The presents are silver ; silver for the table, 
for the toilet, for the parlor — there is no end to 
the things which may be had in silver, ranging 
in price from the fifty-cent thimble to the thou- 
sand-dollar table service. The children of the 
couple especially vie with each other in the 
taste and beauty of their gifts. Old friends and 
relatives also add theirs, and any one invited to 
the anniversary celebration may send a gift. 
Sometimes two or more friends or relatives 
club together in getting something really hand- 
some. 

The golden wedding is celebrated much like 



<Ef}e (Solben tDebbmg. 



261 



the silver, only of course the presents are gold. 
The invitations are engraved on gold paper or 
cards, and there are fewer friends to gather 
around the festive board. Owing to the scarcity 
of articles to be procured at reasonable cost in 
gold other presents are allowable. At one 
golden wedding the five sons gave a golden 
purse containing fifty ten-dollar gold pieces. A 
grandchild gave a pocket-book bearing the 
name of her grandmother in golden letters. 
The golden wedding is generally made purely 
a family celebration; the children and grand- 
children and often the great-grandchildren 
gather in the old home; and a few life-long 
friends are permitted to share the festivities. 

A cake with a ring is prepared as for a silver 
wedding. The frosting may show the mono- 
gram of the couple and the dates of their wed- 
ding and its golden anniversary. 

Some article worn at the original bridal, a bit 
of the lace used, a handkerchief or fan carried, 
is brought out to do duty again. Congratula- 
tions are in order, and everything should be 
done by the descendants of the dear old couple 



262 



IDebbtng Ctnntrersartes. 



to make the occasion one of purest joy. It may 
perhaps be the last family reunion for them in 
this world, so it behooves their children to 
banish all clouds from it save the clouds of 
memory of days which will never come back. 



Gbe Cbaperon. 



When Necessary. — The East and the West.— Her Duties. 

TN some parts of the United States the chap- 
eron is still almost an unknown character. 
In the older communities in the East, however, 
she is taking her accustomed place. The 
French are accused of carrying the chaperon 
idea too far; most certainly Americans do not 
carry it far enough. 

According to the best standards in the East a 
girl should have a chaperon when she goes to a 
ball or reception; to the theatre, the opera; at 
a picnic ; if very young, when travelling ; when 
she receives gentlemen at her home ; on an ex- 
cursion, a coaching party, when sleighing, skat- 
ing; as a rule, any place of amusement attended 
by girls and young men requires the presence of 
a chaperon. The mother is pf course the natural 

chaperon of her daughters, but if she be an in.- 

263 



264 



dl}e Cbaperon. 



valid, or unable to perform her social duties, an 
aunt or other relative or a friend must perform 
the duties of a chaperon. It is usual for one 
matron to chaperon several girls, especially to 
picnics, on yachting excursions, and even to 
balls. 

After twenty-five a woman may claim many 
privileges not allowable for young girls. Es- 
pecially if an unmarried girl be at the head of 
her father's house she can claim privileges be- 
longing to the married woman. Yet there are 
certain regulations which she must always re- 
gard, and from which the youngest married wo- 
man is free. 

A chaperon should be a woman of recognized 
social position, with beautiful manners, good 
sense, and great amiability. She introduces 
gentlemen to her charges, invites them to call, 
and becomes the prime mover in social diver- 
sions and pleasures. 

Chaperonage differs in different localities, 
and in different circles in the same locality. 
In New York the girls of one set are never seen 
anywhere without a chaperon unless it be out 



dbe (East anb the Wesi. 



265 



walking, shopping, or at a matinee. In another 
set — people, too, who make some pretensions to 
culture and refinement and a certain amount of 
wealth — the daughters receive young men alone, 
their mothers never dreaming of entering the 
parlor; they go to the theatre with them, allow- 
ing them to pay for the tickets as a matter of 
course ; they go with young men to parties — in 
short, dispense with a chaperon altogether. In 
the West, according to Mr. Howe, the author of 
"A Country Town," the liberties allowed to a 
girl, even of good family, are startling. He tells 
us in the pages of the Forum that engaged girls 
sit on the knee of their lovers, permit them un- 
limited number of caresses, go with them every- 
where alone, and that a girl who fails to marry 
the man to whom she is engaged is compro- 
mised to a certain extent in the eyes of those 
who have been through an " engagement" 
themselves. 

This picture is probably true only of very 
crude communities, but it is deplorable that it 
can be true at all. 

In many circles, of charming and well-bred 



266 



df?e Cfjaperon. 



people, a middle course in regard to chaperons 
is adopted. 

A girl is not allowed to go with a young man 
to a restaurant for supper, to go with him on an 
excursion, or to a picnic or to a large ball. On 
the other hand, if he be an old friend he is per- 
mitted to escort a girl to the theatre and to small 
social gatherings without a chaperon. Or two 
couples go together, or a whole party of inti- 
mates. The mother always makes her ap- 
pearance for a little while in the parlor, but 
does not feel bound to remain during the entire 
length of the call. 

Mr. Howe's maiden permitted a young man 
to remain until midnight and after; the mother 
of this girl does not permit a caller after ten 
o'clock unless several visitors are present, and 
the evening is devoted to cards or music. 

The custom of allowing young men to take 
girls to the theatre or opera and buying the 
tickets is fast falling into disuse, even in the 
West. 

Some people seem to imagine that when a 
couple become engaged to be married they are 



£jer Duties, 



267 



allowed more privileges socially than before. 
As a matter of fact the reverse is, to a certain 
extent, the case. 

Not until a girl has passed twenty-five is 
she allowed any privileges in regard to going 
about unchaperoned. Even then she will not 
presume on her age to any serious extent. 

Of course, many very charming people make 
laws unto themselves ; they go and come as they 
please, travel alone, stop at hotels alone, etc., 
but conservative people follow social usages. 



ttostees an£ Guest 



Invitations, — Attentions to Guests. — Certain Rules to 
be Observed. 

HOSTESS in inviting guests states the 
day and the hour at which they are ex- 
pected to arrive, and the day and the hour at 
which they are to leave. For instance, a guest 
is invited to come by the three-o'clock train 
on Thursday, and to leave by the five-o'clock 
train on Tuesday. 

Where many guests are expected the hour of 
arrival and departure is important, at least to 
the hostess and her servants. If a guest cannot 
accede to the hours mentioned he must write 
immediately and say so. No guest, however 
intimate he may be with the hostess, should 
ever volunteer to change the date of his visit ; 
if he cannot go at the time for which he is in- 
vited he must leave it to his hostess to set 

another date. He must not presume to do this 

268 




3ntntattons. 



269 



himself. He would not say, " I cannot come to 
you on Thursday to stay until Tuesday, but I 
can go on Saturday and stay until Friday." The 
hostess may have a house full of guests promised 
for those days. A guest may not arrive before 
the date specified, but she may leave sooner, 
provided she gives a good reason for so doing. 
No self-respecting person ever accepts a general 
invitation. " We shall always be glad to see 
you at Ocean View," or, " You must stay with us 
when you come to New York," means nothing 
at all, unless a special invitation follows. The 
person receiving a general invitation of that 
kind would, on her arrival in New York, go to a 
hotel, and send her card to her friend. If she 
was desired as a guest she would speedily be 
informed of the fact. 

Owing to the cramped dimensions of the 
generality of city homes it is not usual to in- 
vite guests for any length of time; but every 
home should have at least one guest-chamber. 
People who are fortunate enough to possess 
country houses or seaside cottages usually de- 
light in entertaining their friends. If they are 



270 hostess anb (Suest. 



very fashionable they live in a round of gayeties 
which their guests are expected to share ; if they 
be quiet, home-loving folk their visitors conform 
to the ways of the household. 

Generally some member of the family or a 
servant meets the guest at the station ; it would 
be rude to leave an invited guest to find the way 
as best she could to the home of her hostess. 
The hostess may elect to receive her guest ox 
she may not. On arrival a guest is shown to 
her room ; a cup of tea or some light refresh- 
ment is provided if wanted ; the servant states at 
what hour dinner or luncheon will be served, 
and at what hour the hostess will be disengaged 
and in the drawing-room. This saves all un- 
easiness and uncertainty of action. The guest 
may then take a bath if she likes, indulge in a 
siesta, assume a wrapper and read for half an 
hour, and make her toilet at her leisure. After 
welcoming a guest a hostess presents her to 
other guests who may be present. 

Guests should be informed on the first day of 
their arrival of the hours for dinner and lunch- 
eon ; in very fashionable houses breakfast is 



(Mentions to (Suests. 



271 



served at the convenience of the guest, or in the 
private rooms if desired, but if there be a regu- 
lar breakfast hour it should be observed, unless 
serious indisposition excuses one. 

A hostess informs her guests before retiring 
of whatever plans she may have for their amuse- 
ment and her own, but a guest is always at per- 
fect liberty to refuse to join in any of these sports, 
and to spend the day in her own fashion. The 
most perfect hostess leaves her guests absolute 
liberty to do as they please. She will provide 
entertainment and amusement for them, suggest 
walks and drives, etc. ; but she does so in a way to 
leave them perfectly free to decline. A guest 
on her part must inform her hostess of any plans 
she may have and of the invitations she accepts. 
She always says when she will not dine or lunch 
at home. She conforms perfectly with the 
habits of the house ; she causes no extra trouble ; 
she never appears bored and out of sorts. She 
is never late for dinner; she does not keep 
others waiting when a drive, a boating party, or 
a picnic is on the tapis. 

The perfect hostess avoids the two extremes; 



272 



hostess cmb (Suest. 



she does not neglect her guests, and she does 
not weary them with too much attention. If a 
guest is allowed to feel that she is being labor- 
iously entertained her pleasure vanishes in a 
moment. 

A comfortable room, palatable meals, well- 
trained domestic service, and absolute liberty 
are what a guest expects in a friend's country 
house. The hostess who provides these things 
is at liberty to seek the seclusion of her own 
apartments for a certain number of hours each 
day, to pay visits and accept invitations to 
dinner without regard to her guests. The visit 
must be a pleasure to both hostess and guest, 
and it would not be so if the social pleasures of 
each depended on the other. For garden parties 
and receptions a hostess will solicit invitations 
for her guests ; she will ask her friends to call on 
them, and usually she will have a dinner or 
luncheon or some social function in their honor. 

A guest-room must be well ventilated and 
comfortably furnished. Plenty of towels, good 
soap, a pincushion full of pins, matches, fresh 
water for toilet purposes, and a pitcher of ice- 



Attentions to (Suests. 



273 



water must be furnished. Some mistresses of 
country houses supply all their guests with 
stationery bearing the name of the house at the 
top of the paper. A library with the daily 
papers and the current magazines is at the dis- 
posal of guests. In fashionable houses the 
children never appear at the table with company, 
certainly not at dinner. The older ones may 
be allowed to be present at luncheon. The 
presence of guests does not necessitate elaborate 
bills of fare. In some of the best houses the 
food offered is of the simplest description ; it is, 
of course, well cooked and well served. The 
manner of entertainment differs with the wealth 
and position of one's hostess. But the princi- 
ples of good breeding governing hostess and 
guest are the same whether one is visiting at a 
cottage or at a palace. 

People who make no pretensions to fashion 
are often glad to welcome a guest to their 
home ; a hearty welcome and simple pleasures 
are all that are expected. But no guest should 
be invited unless there is a comfortable room 

for her, and a certainty that she will not be 
18 



274 



hostess anb (Suest. 



made to feel that she is in the way. School- 
girls are sometimes invited, and expected to 
share the same room; many people object seri- 
ously to sleeping with' another, even their o^ T n 
sister, and ^his arrangement alone would be 
enough to spoil the comfort of their visit. 
Children should not be allowed to make them- 
selves troublesome to guests, and guests must 
be pleasant with the children. A guest must 
always present all of her visitors to her hostess ; 
a person calling on a friend visiting a stranger's 
house must ask for the hostess and leave a card 
for her. Girls should not receive young men 
alone, but must ask the hostess and her daugh- 
ters to go down with her. 

A person staying in a strange city either at a 
hotel or as the guest of a friend should send 
her card to the friends and acquaintances in the 
city whom she desires to see. Otherwise her 
friends would probably remain in ignorance of 
her presence. 

A guest when leaving tips the servants liber- 
ally. After her return home she writes to her 
hostess. She may also make her a present. - A 



Certain Hules to be ©bserceb. 



275 



person who has once been a guest under a 
friend's roof must not under any circumstances 
criticise or make remarks about the habits or 
pe culiarities of her entertainers. The laws of 
hospitality are sacred to honorable people. Nor 
may a hostess criticise her guest. 



Mourning Attire. — The Funeral. — Calls and Letters of 
Condolence,— Usages of Good Society for Those 
in Mourning, 



WIDOW wears deep mourning for two 



J years, For a father or mother mourning 
is worn two years; deep mourning for one year, 
lighter for the second. For a brother or sister 
mourning is worn one or two years. Parents 
wear mourning for grown children two years. 
For an uncle or aunt or grandparent it is worn 
for three or six months. In case one receives a 
large legacy it may be worn longer. 

The modern tendency is to shorten the length 
of time for wearing mourning, and to assume it 
less frequently. This does not signify a colder 
heart, but merely a regard for the living, for 
society, and for hygienic reasons. Crape is 
very trying to the health, especially to a person 




mounting Cttttre. 



277 



naturally delicate, and the unnatural seclusion 
is more trying on the spirits. 

Some persons do not wear crape at all, but 
select instead lustreless silks or dead black 
woollens trimmed in the silks. Nun's veiling 
instead of crape is very generally used for the 
long veil. After the first few weeks this veil is 
thrown back over the bonnet and a thin net veil 
worn over the face. 

Mourning gowns should be made very simply, 
but fitting perfectly and of good material. A 
costume elaborately made and covered with 
crape and other trimming shows very poor taste. 
It cannot be too firmly emphasized that crape 
with the best people is gradually being thrown 
aside for less unwholesome materials. 

Bright jet trimmings, diamonds, or any kind 
of colored jewelry excepting the wedding ring, 
velvet or satin or ordinary silk are not worn in 
mourning. A sealskin cloak is permitted for 
the reason that to throw aside a heavy fur coat 
for one of cloth would subject the person to a 
cold if not the pneumonia. Light-colored furs 
are not permitted, nor is fur trimming. A widow 



278 



ITToummg. 



wears a cap with a border of white crepe lisse 
inside her bonnet. 

It must not be forgotten that the length of 
time for which mourning is worn, the use of 
crape, the long veil for all but widows, are mat- 
ters which are left very much to personal choice. 
But while mourning is worn its laws must be 
respected. A woman in a mourning gown and 
a velvet cloak or diamond earrings, for instance, 
would be grossly violating these laws. Mourn- 
ing need not be worn at all excepting for the 
immediate family. If complimentary mourning 
is worn for a distant relative, or the relative of 
one's husband, it may be shortened to three or 
six months. 

In complimentary mourning crape or the long 
veil is not worn. 

For a young child a mother wears mourning 
but one year. 

A man wears a mourning band of crape, called 
a weed, on his hat; the hat of course must be 
black, but he need not assume an entirely black 
attire. 

A person in mourning has her visiting cards 



Usages of <5eob Society. 279 



with a narrow black margin. The heavy black 
border affected by some is not considered good 
taste. Paper and envelopes also have a narrow 
margin of black. Of course, the stationery used 
must be of a dead white, neither cream nor 
lavender. A late style is to dispense with the 
border, and substitute a device in black in one 
corner. The stationer, provided he be one who 
caters to the best people, may be safely de- 
pended upon in the matter of style. 

A person in mourning may go walking, driv- 
ing, shopping after a few weeks if she feels like 
so doing. After three months she may go to a 
concert, to an informal little dinner given by a 
very dear friend, or she may spend an evening 
at a friend's house playing cards. After six 
months she may go to a matinee, to a flower 
show, or to the races ; after a year to an after- 
noon reception or tea, or reading or musicale. 
At a ball, or at any place where full dress is re- 
quired, a person in mourning is out of her ele- 
ment. If the grief be very deep these gayeties 
will have no charm for her,, and if it be not so 
then her mourning had better be discarded. In 



280 



mourning. 



England deep red is worn by persons in mourn- 
ing to weddings. If a person attends a wedding 
while in mourning of course the mourning must 
be laid aside for the occasion. This rule has 
absolutely no exception. Black lace is not 
mourning. A friend or relative of the bereaved 
one usually attends to the details of the mourn- 
ing, sees the dressmaker, etc. 

A man is not expected to retire from society 
for as long a period as a woman. A widower, 
however, is supposed to wear weeds and remain 
in comparative seclusion for two years. Many, 
however, are married before that time, or at 
least are on the point of being, so it cannot be 
inferred that the two years have been spent in 
grief. 

A person in mourning may have diamonds 
or pearls set in jet; gold or colored stones must 
not be worn. 

The discarding of mourning should be effected 
by gradations. A widow must not jump out of 
sombre black into bright colors. Violet and 
lavender were formerly considered the proper 
colors for half-mourning, but they are no longer 



Che ^funeral. 



281 



worn as such. Combinations of black and white 
take their place. 

The preparations for the funeral are left to 
the undertaker. He prepares the body for burial, 
sees about the digging of the grave, etc. 

A dear friend usually attends to the shroud. 
For a child or a young girl white is always 
worn. A young wife is sometimes laid out in 
her bridal robes. Catholics as a rule prefer the 
brown habit of Mount Carmel, which can be 
supplied by all Catholic undertakers, or is made 
to order in many convents. A man is usually 
laid out in a black suit, such as was worn in life. 

Around the body of a Catholic lights are kept 
constantly burning, and those who call at the 
house kneel for a few moments by the side of 
the remains and pray for the departed soul. 

Before the funeral the women of the family 
see no one excepting the most intimate friends 
and relatives, and even these are sometimes 
barred. The eldest brother or son, or some 
male relative, sees the clergyman and makes 
whatever arrangements are necessary about the 
funeral. Pall-bearers are invited by note. It 



282 



mourning. 



is fortunate if when a death occurs in a family 
there be some distant relative or very dear 
friend of executive abilities and tact who can 
virtually take charge of everything — give direc- 
tions to the servants, write notes — send the 
death-notices to the papers, etc. Intimate 
friends call as soon as they hear of a death in the 
family and ask if they can be of any service. 
Other friends call and leave their cards. The 
pall-bearers assemble at the house and. accom- 
pany the remains to the church. The other 
friends and acquaintances go directly to the 
church. 

Flowers are not usually sent, excepting for 
children. 

The ladies of a family need not go to the 
grave, but this is a matter of personal taste, and 
they may go if they like. Some could not be 
induced to remain away, to leave the last sad 
rites, the last tribute which the living can pay 
to the dead, to strangers; others again find their 
nerves quite unequal to the ordeal ; certainly a 
woman's wails at the grave are simply heart- 
rending to all present. Only near friends are 



£fye funeral. 



283 



expected to go to the cemetery; others have 
done their duty by going to the church. The 
long line of carriages is now seldom seen ex- 
cepting for public officials, or the very poor, 
who consider the number of carriages as a sign 
of love and respect for the dead. The custom 
of uncovering the head and standing with hat in 
hand at the grave has been severely censured ; 
and many a man has caught his death, or a very 
severe illness, by so doing. 

All levity or loud laughter is particularly un- 
becoming on the way back from a funeral. Com- 
mon humanity and decency make every one 
behave himself on the way to the grave. 

A woman going to a funeral should wear black 
if possible; if not black, then some quiet, sub- 
dued costume. 

After the funeral only the members of the 
family return to the house ; some very intimate 
friend or relative may remain there for company 
and comfort, if her presence is desired, but those 
in affliction are not expected to see any one for 
several weeks after a death in the family. 
Friends and acquaintances must call within a 



284 



mourning. 



month after a funeral, but they do not, as a rule, 
see any one ; they merely leave their cards. 
However, if the}' are received — this depends on 
the wish of those in mourning — the}* must show 
their sympathy more by manner than words; a 
few words of well-chosen condolence are all 
that are required. Any details of the illness 
and death must be left to the inclination of the 
hostess to tell. Some are overcome by the 
slightest allusion to the departed loved ones; 
others again like to dwell lovingly on every de- 
tail. A person must listen sympathetically to 
these heart-confidences, but the caller must not 
bring up the subject. 

In some families, after a death, the piano is 
kept closed, the parlor darkened, and every- 
thing of cheerful nature seems to be banished. 
In families where common sense and a sense of 
kindness to the living still remain, this funereal 
gloom is not thought of. After a fortnight or 
a month, the children practise or study or paint, 
and sunshine and flowers are welcomed, and 
everything done to lighten the sorrow. The 
dead are not forgotten, but neither are the liv- 



Usages of <Soob Society. 



ing. A widow may herself have no spirit left 
for anything but a wild grief, and of course she 
may follow her own inclinations as far as con- 
cerns herself, but the other members of the 
family may need a diversion. Where possible 
a change of scene is the best thing for one in 
mourning. There is a sort of an instinctive 
longing when one is in deep trouble to get away 
from everything and from everybody ; to find a 
strange nook where one's sorrow can be in- 
dulged with no prying or pitying eyes. Others 
again want sympathy. While of course social 
amusements are not good form, no one should 
censure a person in mourning for going, after a 
few months, to concerts and informal affairs; 
for walking and driving and spending all the 
time possible out-of-doors ; for practising or de- 
voting hours to music or study ; or even reading 
novels. The sorrow is heavy enough without 
adding to its weight by a constant gloom. 

Of course, both good taste and right feeling 
will determine where the line is to be drawn ; 
no one can see a widow or -an orphan dancing 
in deep mourning without an indignant shock, 



286 



trtourmncj. 



nor see them at a gay reception or at the opera; 
but if they go to a concert, to drive or walk in 
the park, to dine at a friend's house informally, 
no one should say a censorious word. 

Temperament has a great deal to do with the 
observances of mourning. One may shun every- 
body, loathe any approach to gayety, and desire 
only to be left alone with her grief; another 
may be driven to the verge of madness by grief, 
and absolutely require constant association and 
constant diversion ; others again with more self- 
control may suit themselves to circumstances. 

The period of mourning may be shortened if 
one so desires ; or it may be worn a whole life- 
time. But while one wears mourning she must 
observe the conduct in keeping with her attire. 

People of the best taste usually remain six 
months in strict seclusion, going to no places 
of amusement, and only to call informally at 
the homes of very intimate friends. Again one 
in mourning for a husband or parent or child is 
supposed to wear mourning longer, and to re- 
main more strictly secluded, than for a distant 
relative. 



betters of <£ottooIertce. 



287 



Letters of condolence are sent by friends or 
even acquaintances as soon as possible after a 
death. These letters should be short and sym- 
pathetic as a rule, although each case and each 
person written to must determine the nature of 
the letter. Anything which appears forced or 
unnatural has no place in a letter of condolence ; 
a brief allusion to some of the good qualities of 
the dead, not " dragged in by the heels," but 
as the most natural thing which could be said, 
an expression of sympathy, these — but a warm 
heart, governed by a wise head, must preside 
over a letter of condolence to make it what it 
should be. 

" God, the loving Father, the faithful Friend, 
who never forgets and who knows no change, 
will take care of you, my child, and give you 
the grace to bear your cross bravely to the end. 
He sees every tear, and He will comfort you in 
His own good time, and give you the peace 
which is not of earth but of heaven," was writ- 
ten by a saintly nun to one of her old pupils 
who had lost her husband, and which touched a 
chord and made her weep after days of dry-eyed 



288 



ttTourmng. 



agony. A letter of condolence which comes 
from the heart will usually be the right kind of 
a letter. 

Of course, those in affliction are not supposed 
to answer these letters. After a time a friend 
or some relative may acknowledge the receipt 
of them and thank the writer for her sympathy 
in the name of the bereaved one. Or the recipi- 
ent herself may enclose her visiting card, with 
a mourning border around it, as an acknowledg- 
ment. 



The Well-Dressed Woman. — The Well-Dressed Man. — 
Good Sense and Good Form. — Some Details of the 
Toilet. 

HE well-bred woman always wears a cos- 
tume appropriate to the occasion. She 
does not wear silks and showy apparel on the 
street. 

She wears her diamonds and her other jewels 
in the evening with evening costume ; never in 
the morning or on the street. 

With a street costume the jewelry she wears 

is strictly for use ; a watch, hidden in her bodice, 

to tell her the time of day ; a pin at her throat 

to fasten her dress collar; cuff-buttons if cuffs 

are worn. Ear-rings, rings, bracelets, etc., are 

worn only with evening or reception gowns. A 

married woman wears her wedding ring at all 

times. A girl may wear her engagement ring. 

Women who wear diamond ear-rings and 
19 289 




290 



(Dn Dress. 



showy jewelry in the day-time show a want of 
good breeding. 

Every woman should study the art of dress, 
her own figure and particular type, and dress 
with taste. Slovenliness and neglect of one's 
apparel should be avoided on the one hand ; on 
the other, too much time and attention should 
not be given to the toilet. 

The well-bred woman has her clothes made 
to fit; she selects becoming and appropriate 
material; she patronizes skilful dressmakers 
rather than cheap ones. She remembers that 
the very fat or the very thin woman must dress 
differently from the woman who possesses a 
perfect figure. She understands that a woman 
of forty requires a different style from a girl of 
twenty. She selects her frocks, her hats, etc., 
to correspond with her age, her complexion, her 
figure. 

She does not wear slippers and gloves too 
small or too large ; she does not wear her stays 
tight enough to be either injurious to health 
or uncomfortable. She avoids the extremes of 
fashion. 



£f?e rPell=Z)resseb Woman. 



.291 



She never uses rouge, or blondines her hair, 
or draws lines under her eyes. She uses pow- 
der but sparingly. 

She uses but little perfume, and that of the 
finest quality. 

She makes the beauty of her complexion de- 
pend on the most exquisite cleanliness, mas- 
sage, hot water, good soap, exercise, and an even 
temper, rather than on cosmetics. 

Her evening gowns are always modest, no 
matter how low the bodices of her neighbors may 
be cut. 

She does not wear a tea-gown or a neglige 
costume in the dining-room or parlor of a hotel 
or boarding-house. 

She never appears before any one, even the 
members of her own family, with her hair in 
curl-papers. 

She does not think a soiled collar, down-at- 
the-heel slippers, a faded gown, good enough 
for home. 

Her finger-nails never show a black fringe, 
and her hands are always soft and clean. 

Her teeth are clean and well taken care of; 



292 



(Dn Dress. 



she goes to a good dentist at the first sign of 
decay, and as a consequence her breath is sweet 
and pure. Some women probably do not know 
how very offensive their bad breath is to sensi- 
tive nostrils. 

A popular French writer has declared that 
there is no reason for the existence of an " ugly 
woman." He asserts that a woman who knows 
how to dress and to take care of her person 
properly need not be anything but attractive- 
looking, even though nature has denied her 
beauty. 

A gown may be old, but it must be free from 
dirt, spots, holes, frayed edges. 

The well-bred woman wears trim tailor frocks 
for the street; pretty tea-gowns, not slouchy 
wrappers, for her own home; fresh, pretty 
costumes for social functions and the evening. 

" From dusk till dawn " is the rule for full 
dress for both men and women. Gloves are 
worn on the street, and the long evening gloves 
at any social function. They are removed as 
soon as one sits down at the table and laid 
across the lap. At luncheons they are also re- 



(The WdUVtesseb Woman, 293 



moved; at receptions where only an ice or a 
cup of tea is partaken of they may be retained. 
Bonnets are worn at an afternoon reception, a 
tea, a garden party, or at any social function 
held in the day-time. At a concert or a musi- 
cale, or at any evening function, they are re- 
moved. They are worn to the theatre when one 
sits in the parquet ; they are not usually worn 
by members of a box party. 

Decollete bodices are now never worn by well- 
bred people in the day-time. Formerly on New 
Year's Day they were worn; and until recent 
years the hostess was so attired for an afternoon 
reception. A V-necked gown with elbow-sleeves 
is now worn instead. Sachets should not be 
put in one's gowns, as the subtlest of odors is 
all that is desired. 

Cheap jewelry, paste stones, etc., are the 
abomination of the well-bred woman. 

Where nature has been niggard, good form 
permits the wearing of false hair, false teeth, 
certain devices of the dressmaker, and a judi- 
cious use of white powder. Powder is supposed 
to protect the complexion from the wind and 



294 



(Dn Dress. 



the dust, and to remove the shine from the face ; 
hence its use. 

The use of arsenic for the complexion, bella- 
donna for the eyes, etc., is injurious to the 
health, and therefore sinful. They produce 
frightful diseases in time. 

For church, one wears her best street cos- 
tume, but not rustling silks. Church is not the 
proper place for the exhibition of fashionable 
clothes. Flowers are not generally worn, as they 
wilt so easily, and are now left in the boudoir or 
parlor. Violets are an exception, and are worn 
at all times by their devotees. Or a flower of 
any kind at one's belt is never objectionable. 

The well-bred man does not wear loud stripes 
and checks. He avoids novelties in attire. 
His clothes fit him, and do not look as if they 
came from the misfit parlor. 

His neckties are not flashy nor cheap nor con- 
spicuous. 

His linen is always immaculate. Paper and 
celluloid collars he regards as a joke. He does 
not wear a diamond pin, nor diamond shirt or 
collar buttons, nor conspicuous sleeve-buttons. 



£fje tDelMJresseb man. 



2 95 



He does not wear a flashy watch-chain, nor 
enormous seal-rings. 

He does not wear a silk hat with a sack coat, 
or, worse still, a flannel shirt. 

For business he wears a business suit. 

For paying a morning call, or for any social 
function in the day-time, he wears a black Prince 
Albert coat with light trousers, gloves if he 
wishes, a silk hat, a violet or a rosebud in his 
buttonhole. 

After sunset he assumes his dress suit — swal- 
low-tail coat, doeskin trousers, low-cut waist- 
coat, broad expanse of shirt-front, white lawn 
tie, patent leather shoes. He does not wear 
diamond shirt-studs, or other jewelry. 

No well-bred man ever wears a dress suit in 
the day-time. 

In certain rural or provincial communities the 
young men are all married in their dress suits, 
even though the wedding be at ten o'clock in 
the morning ; they wear them at afternoon con- 
certs or readings. This would strike a metro- 
politan as being very funny. - 

The unvarying rule in America is that -a man 



296 



(Dn Dress* 



never assumes his dress suit before evening. 
P'ootmen and waiters are the only ones allowed 
to wear a swallow-tail coat in the day-time. 

The well-bred man does not wear a business 
suit when calling on ladies ; he does not wear 
tan-colored shoes with a frock or, worse still, a 
dress coat. He wears a tennis suit when play- 
ing tennis ; a yachting suit when on the water ; 
a hunting suit when he goes hunting ; he does 
not do so at other times. If he wears silk shirts, 
sashes, etc., in the summer he assumes more 
conventional attire for dinner, unless he dines 
absolutely alone. He may go to luncheon in a 
white flannel suit, but never to dinner. 

He does not make the mistake of wearing a 
silk hat with any of these costumes. 

He carries a cane for use, not ornament. 

He never wears his hat in the house nor in 
the presence of ladies. 

He avoids the two extremes : he does not wish 
to be considered slouchy nor clownish in his 
attire, nor is he a fop. 



9 



Special ©ccastons* 



At a Reception to Ecclesiastics. — In Washington. — At 
a Club. — In Rome. — Presentation at Court. 

LfOR a reception to a church dignitary a lady 
must not wear a decollete gown ; a cover- 
ing, at least, of lace or tulle is in order. 

It is disrespectful to dance in the presence of 
a clergyman, especially if the entertainment be 
in his honor. 

This rule might seem superfluous had it not 
been violated at some very notable functions. 

When presented to a Catholic prelate it is 
customary to kiss the ring. A Catholic calling 
on a Bishop at his residence, or meeting him in 
private, will kneel and kiss his ring; at a recep- 
tion or in a public place he does not kneel, but 
merely raises the hand to his lips and salutes 
the ring. 

In shaking hands with a prelate care must be 
297 



298 



Sped J (Decisions. 



taken not to press the sharp edges of the stones 
in his ring into the flesh. This is often done. 

At a public reception given to a President or 
to some high dignitary a person must not at- 
tempt to get presented out of his turn; he must 
not linger after the presentation, nor must he 
join the ranks again to catch another glimpse of 
the lion of the day. 

At a club reception people should behave as 
they would do at an entertainment at a private 
house. 

In Washington there are some social customs 
peculiar to the place. There the new-comer 
calls first on old residents. The ladies of the 
Cabinet have a reception day; the wives of 
Senators have their day ; and any one may pre- 
sent herself at these receptions without an in- 
vitation. However, she should remember that 
she is a supposed gentlewoman in a private 
house, not in a public museum. 

On certain days during the season the Presi- 
dent and his wife hold public receptions to which 
any one may go. Formerly they shook hands 
with all their hundreds of callers, but this proved 



at a Club. 



299 



so fatiguing that a bow has been substituted. 
Examples of the worst manners imaginable may 
be seen at these receptions. 

Wives of cabinet officers and all public 
officials must return all calls made on them. 
But these official social duties are considered 
quite apart from the real social life of the Capi- 
tal. 

Gentlemen s clubs, — Nearly every man whose 
means permit joins a club. He is supposed to 
be^a gentleman seeking admission into the so- 
ciety of gentlemen. His name must be pro- 
posed by a member, every other member having 
the privilege of voting against him — blackball- 
ing it is called. If he is not blackballed he is 
declared elected. He must pay his dues and 
conform to the rules and regulations governing 
the club. 

A member of a club who is really a gentle- 
man will not monopolize the best chair ; he will 
not take possession of all the new magazines 
and papers in the reading-room ; he will not 
smoke in forbidden places ; he will avoid intro- 
ducing the name of a lady into his conversa- 



3°° 



Special (Dccasxons. 



tion. He will take his hat off when dining at a 
club. 

He will not introduce any one at his club of 
whose respectability he is not certain. 

A guest at a club will observe all the rules 
and regulations. 

When he leaves he will enclose his card in an 
envelope directed to The President and Mem- 
bers of the Blank Club, and hand it to the clerk 
at the desk; this is really a P. P. C. card and is 
so considered. 

He will scrupulously pay all bills incurred, 
and not leave that obligation on the confiding 
friend who introduced him. This has happened 
more than once in some very good clubs. 

In Rome. — The ambition of every one who 
goes to Rome is to see the Holy Father. When 
public audiences are given, this is easy enough 
for any respectable American who can furnish 
the necessary credentials; but a private audi- 
ence is rarely accorded to any but world-re- 
nowned personages. Those desiring to be pres- 
ent at a public audience have their names given 
in by some responsible authority. The Rector 



at Home. 



301 



of the American College is the usual hope of 
Americans. A printed notification, with the 
names of the applicants and the date of the au- 
dience inserted in the blanks, is received shortly 
afterward. 

For an audience, or for any other function at 
the Vatican, ladies must wear black; no jewels, 
no wraps, no bonnets are allowed. Gentlemen 
wear full evening dress if civilians, if courtiers 
or army officers, their dress uniforms. 

But these details of the toilet are best learned 
in Rome. 

Of course, ecclesiastics and members of reli- 
gious orders wear their official dress or habits. 

At the private entrance to the Vatican the 
notification must be shown before the carriage 
is allowed to proceed. On entering the palace 
an official indicates the room where wraps are 
to be left; another official conducts the party to 
the audience chamber. At the entrance of the 
Holy Father all drop on their knees ; the Pontiff 
accompanied by his suite passes from one group 
to another, giving his blessing and saying a few 
words to each one. The etiquette of a public 



302 



Special (Dccasions. 



audience requires that the ring on the right hand 
be kissed, but some very devout gentlemen bend 
their lips to the cross on the Holy Father's slip- 
per. At the close of the audience His Holiness 
gives his blessing to all present and to their 
families and their country, says a few words by 
way of address if not too fatigued, and then 
withdraws. 

Presentation at Court. — There are thousands 
of comparatively happy Americans who pass 
through London every year without any thought 
of seeing royalty unless it be at a flower show 
or in the Park. But a few go whose ambition 
is to be presented at Court, after the fashion of 
English people of family and position. This 
favor, it need hardly be said, is only accorded 
to Americans of great wealth or high rank. The 
presentation is usually made by the American 
Minister, unless the ambitious republican has a 
friend among the British aristocracy who ob- 
tains for her this privilege. At certain inter- 
vals during the season the Queen, or her repre- 
sentative, holds a levee or drawing-room. The 
toilet to be worn at this function is rigorously 



presentation at Court. 303 

prescribed and no variation is allowed: court 
train three yards long, decollete bodice, al- 
though the drawing-room is a daylight function ; 
feathers in the hair arranged in a certain way, 
are the principal features. A court hairdresser 
arranges the hair at so much a head ; persons 
can always be found who earn their bread coach- 
ing neophytes in the bows and ceremonies nec- 
essary at a court presentation. A woman who 
has been divorced is not allowed to be presented 
to the Queen. 

It may interest other Americans to know that 
when a royal personage is asked to dine or to 
become a guest in one's house a list of the other 
guests it is proposed to invite is first submitted 
to his royal highness, who has the privilege of 
striking out any names not agreeable to him ; 
that persons are commanded, not invited, to an 
entertainment given by royalty, and that such 
a command excuses and releases one from any 
other conflicting engagement, and must be 
obeyed under all sorts of unheard-of -social pen- 
alties. When a prince is a, guest at dinner he 
goes out with the hostess at the head of the 



Special (Dccasxons. 



company, and is placed in the customary seat of 
the hostess at table. At a party the royal per- 
sonage sends his equerry or attendant to notify 
a lady that the prince will do her the honor of 
dancing a specified dance with her. It is the 
privilege of royalty to introduce the subject of 
conversation, and no one may address him until 
addressed. One's back must never be turned 
in the presence of royalty; backing out of a 
room at a court function is said to be quite an 
art, only mastered after serious practice. 

In talking to princes, dukes, lords, etc., only 
the lower classes use the terms " Your Royal 
Highness," " Your Grace," " My Lord," etc. Peo- 
ple of position say " Duke " to a duke ; " Lord 
Blank," or whatever the name may be, to an earl, 
a marquis, a lord, or a count ; " Sir Charles " to 
a baronet; " Sir" to a prince, or a nobleman, in 
ordinary conversation. Novels interlarded with 
" Your Grace," " My Lord," etc., betray the writ- 
er's ignorance of the high society it is attempted 
to portray. 



/IMss Itfttie Careless anD t>er fvienbe. 



Their Manners and Their Mistakes. — The Well-bred 
Girl. — Snobs. 

/HTVISS KITTIE CARELESS possesses a heart 
so much better than her manners that one 
involuntarily pities her ignorance while de- 
ploring her mistakes. She has never had a fair 
chance to become a well-bred girl. Her mother 
is ignorant of social usages, and at school she 
was not taught anything about them. 

She began to attend parties and receptions 
when fifteen, although she did not altogether 
cease to study at that age. She learned to dance 
at a public dancing school where any one could 
go who had the necessary tuition fees, but then 
she does not believe in being exclusive. 

She is fond of what is known as a " lark." She 

and two of her friends — girls of her own age — 

went with their escorts to a neighboring city to 

witness a bicycle tournament, spending the day 
20 305 



3°6 HTtss Kittte Careless anb £?er ^rtenbs. 



and night at a hotel, the young men, it is pre- 
sumed, paying the bills. She goes to parties 
with any man who asks her, alone with him in 
a hired carriage, and rather boasts that her ad- 
mirers spend so much money for her. She en- 
tertains young men until eleven, sometimes 
twelve o'clock at night; her callers never think 
of asking for her mother, and the poor woman 
would be very much surprised if they did. A 
youth who wishes to spend the evening with 
her sends a note asking if she is engaged, and, if 
not, if he may have the pleasure, etc., making 
sure that no other caller will interrupt his ttte- 
a-tete. He begins his note, usually written on 
tinted and scented paper, or else his business 
paper with the picture of a horse in one corner, 
if he chances to be the keeper of a livery stable, 
"Miss Careless," or "Miss Kittie," or if he be 
a daring youth, " Dear Miss," and signs him- 
self "Yours respectfully." He is fond of red 
neckties and hair-oil ; he crosses his limbs and 
rocks back and forth out of embarrassment. 
Presently he hauls out of one of his numerous 
pockets — he only wears a dress suit to great 



(Efjetr VTianmvs anb Cfyeir mistakes. 3°7 



parties and to the opera — a package of chewing- 
gum, and that breaks the ice. 

Kittie's first visiting cards were gilt-edge, 
blank cards on which she paid a professional 
penman fifty cents to write her name, " Kittie 
H. Careless," in a beautiful hand with many 
flourishes. Her next cards were printed, and 
gave her residence, city, and State, as well as 
her name, but still without the prefix Miss. Her 
last cards are engraved in correct form, she 
having read an article on visiting cards in the 
Woman's Page of the daily paper; and she is 
quick to learn. 

If by any chance her mother appears when a 
youth is calling on her, she introduces the ma- 
tron to the man, and he, blushing, either bows 
ceremoniously or offers his hand, murmuring, 
" I am pleased to meet you." 

She uses slang in her conversation; is not 
particular as to grammar ; stops to chat with a 
friend on a street corner, eats candy and chews 
gum on the street ; she goes to supper at a res- 
taurant or hotel with her escort, after the thea- 
tre, with no thought, of a chaperon; goes buggy 



3°& IHtss Ktttte Careless anb fjer ^rienbs. 



riding with her various admirers; sometimes 
does not get home until after dark, especially if 
the night be bright and warm. At Christmas 
and on her birthday she accepts all presents her 
admirers send her : a manicure set froin one — 
her friends have a weakness for manicure sets 
— a bit of jewelry from another, a box of gloves 
from another, handkerchiefs from another; a 
pair of blue satin slippers from a youth who ad- 
mires her small feet. But she would feel in- 
sulted if a man offered her a frock or a hat or a 
pair of street shoes. 

She spends a great deal of money on dress ; 
her father made a snug little fortune in beef and 
corner lots, and takes a pride in giving his chil- 
dren the luxuries denied his own youth. Kittie 
is always among the first to appear in a new 
style ; her sleeves are the biggest or the tight- 
est, her skirts the widest or the narrowest, her 
plaids the biggest, her reds the reddest, her 
trains the longest of any one in her set. She is 
first at the openings, and the novelties in hats 
or frocks or wraps find in her a ready purchaser. 
But she economizes on her dress-making; she 



dfyetr manners anb Cfyetr mistakes. 309 



does not see the use of paying Madame La Mode 
fifteen or twenty dollars for making a simple 
little frock, when Miss Poorfit will make it for 
five ; as a result her back seams are, like Mr. 
Bourbon Rye's limbs, somewhat uncertain. 

Her skirts do not hang just right, her bodices 
wrinkle, but the material is costly and of the 
very latest mode. She wears soiled and torn 
gloves sometimes. She has plenty of diamonds 
presented by her doting father, and she wears 
them on all occasions, in the morning with a 
soiled wrapper, on the street with a tailor gown, 
at the funeral of her dearest friend. She began 
wearing silks at fifteen, and now wears velvets 
and brocades. She issues invitations in her own 
name, and for small affairs receives her guests 
unassisted by either mother or chaperon. 

She has no scruples about allowing young men 
to pay for theatre tickets, carriages, suppers, 
etc., for her. She would consider it extremely 
out of place to go to a party with her father ; if 
another girl goes out with her brother she infers 
that it is only because some other girl's brother 
has failed to solicit the pleasure of her company. 



3 ID VTi'xss Ktttte Careless anb per ^rtertbs. 



But she is very punctilious about some things. 
She would not speak to any one without an in- 
troduction; she is very particular about first 
calls and exchanging visits. A man must give 
her the inside of the street even if they change 
places at every square. 

The well-bred girl is usually brought up in a 
different environment from that of Kittie Care- 
less. Her mother is a well-bred, refined woman 
who kept her daughter in seclusion; sent her 
to the best schools, supervised her reading mat- 
ter and selected her clothes. When she made 
her debut in society she was fitted for all its re- 
quirements. 

In dress her taste is perfect; her frocks are 
stylish, becoming, and well made ; she avoids ex- 
tremes. Her voice is low and soft, not affected, 
nor drawling, nor artificially deep. She is erect 
in carriage, graceful in deportment. She en- 
tertains young men charmingly, but she does 
not manifest any undue regard for their society, 
and after a dance or a promenade goes back to 
her mother or chaperon. She prefers to have 
them see too little of her rather than too much. 



Cbc WelU&ttb (Sir!. 



She is jolly and ready for any fun, but always 
within the limits prescribed by good form. She 
rides and drives and goes boating, plays tennis 
and skates and enjoys herself, equally removed 
from the charge of being a prude or that worse 
charge, " a little wild." She doesnot lack indi- 
viduality or depth of character, but hers is the 
individuality of the pure-minded, noble-hearted, 
sensible woman. She never makes unkind re- 
marks about another, damns with faint praise, 
or insinuates unsayable things. She has a 
hearty contempt for those who do. She is 
charming to her friends and polite to the 
strangers thrown in her path ; she is exclusive, 
but not arrogant. She does not laugh at the 
mistakes of people less well-bred than herself, 
but looks to their good points. She is always 
deferential to old people and kind to children. 
She knows how to repulse insolence and to com- 
mand respect. She can adapt herself to circum- 
stances; she does not expect in a Western town 
the same adherence to a social code as prevails 
in New York. If a certain freedom is allowed 
in a place, she does not find fault nor condemn 



3 12 miss Ktttte Careless anb £?er ^rtenbs. 



it, nor imagine that the people are ignorant of 
the more stringent usages. 

She possesses common sense along with other 
uncommon qualities, and this tides her over 
many difficulties as she goes through the world. 

Among the girls whom she does not especially 
like are : The Sentimental Girl who reads love 
stories constantly, pictures herself a heroine, 
fancies that she is not understood, and dreams 
of the conquering hero. The Rowdy Girl who 
dresses loud, talks the same way, imitates man- 
nish peculiarities, smokes cigarettes, knows all 
about baseball and prize-fights — who scorns the 
needle, hates housekeeping, and who takes a 
perverted pride in doing all sorts of "rowdy" 
things, and going on innumerable "larks." 
The Stage-struck Girl who fancies herself a 
Mary Anderson or a Rachel in embryo — poses 
on all occasions, walks and talks and brushes 
her hair with the airs of the heavy tragedian. 
" The intensely Literary Girl " who talks of 
nothing but books; scorns novels, considers 
Tennyson light, idolizes Ibsen; wears glasses, 
abjures bangs and caramels and ice-cream; is 



Snobs. 



313 



hygienic, and dogmatic, and unbending, and dis- 
tressingly superior. The well-bred girl does 
not like cranks of either sex; for instance, the 
crank who writes letters to the newspapers, in- 
structing the President in his duties, lashing 
the Senate, calling Mr. Vanderbilt to task for a 
misuse of his money, or advocating a scheme 
for bringing about Utopia; the Unappreciated 
Woman, who exploits her family differences, 
asks advice as to how to retain her husband's 
affection, or cure a canary bird of the grippe, 
and gives her aches and fads and foibles to a 
critical public to laugh about. But the well- 
bred girl laughs good-naturedly, never un- 
kindly. 

Snobs. — The well-bred girl sometimes permits 
herself a quiet smile at the various snobs who 
cross her path. Foremost among them is the 
snob who, having acquired a fortune late in life, 
is trying by all the powers of " earth and air " and 
champagne to get into a circle of society in 
which she would have no place but for money. 
The superciliousness, the airs, the lofty conde- 
scension to poorer folk, the display of wealth 



3 T 4 ITitss Ktttte Careless anb £?er ^rtenbs. 



in turnout and dress, the elegance everywhere 
of this variety is quite amusing to the girl who 
is truly well-bred. But she does not make the 
mistake of imagining that all people who acquire 
money instead of inheriting it are snobs. Some 
of her most cherished friends belong to this 
class; people w T ho have used their wealth to 
become charming, well-bred, noble-hearted peo- 
ple, worthy in every way to enter the best so- 
ciety ; people who are true friends, generous 
patrons of art, charitable benefactors to the 
poor, hospitable entertainers to people in their 
own rank. These people, whose portraits will 
be venerated a century hence as the founders 
of great American families, are gentlefolk in 
the truest sense of the word, and as such are 
treated by the girl who is perfectly bred. Nor 
are all snobs of the parvenu variety; one of 
the worst examples of the species is the snob, 
usually with an income extremely limited, who 
plumes himself on some dead and gone ances- 
tor ; an ancestor, kind-hearted people will hope, 
who is spared the shame of seeing from a better 
world his degenerate descendants in this. Snobs 



Snobs. 



315 



of this kind, as some one said, are like potatoes, 
the best part of them is underground. These 
snobs pay laborious court to the rich; they con- 
stantly intrigue for invitations from the other 
class of snobs, the newly-rich variety, and repay 
the hospitality received by making fun of their 
entertainers. This class of snobs usually lack 
brains, honor, manhood, everything excepting — 
a grandfather. 

There is the snob who bids for popularity — 
and invitations — with constant flattery. A 
learned judge of this variety secures invitations 
for himself and wife for a prolonged sojourn at 
the country homes of people of wealth by the 
use of this commodity; he laughs delightedly 
at the inane jokes of the millionaire, admires the 
beauty and grace and wit and fascinations of 
the millionaire's daughters; this consummate 
toady, who would snub Shakespeare himself if 
he happened not to be the fashion, is all suavity 
and deference to the well-known magnates 
whose favor he enjoys. There is the pretty girl 
of no family to speak of, who is unremittent in 
her attentions to the matrons and maids above 



Hltss Ktttte Careless anb Ber ^rtenbs. 



her in a social way. Who has not seen the 
wealthy parvenu, elegantly if conspicuously 
dressed, a little too red in the face, and much 
too fat, surrounded by her satellites of women, 
every one of whom was her superior in brains 
and culture and birth and breeding — in every- 
thing save money? The well-bred girl, who 
has too much self-respect ever to be a snob, 
enjoys in a quiet way these manifestations. 
She has been gazed at and ignored, and loftily 
patronized by snobs and parvenues without in 
the least losing her serenity ; she goes on her 
way, loyal and loving and true to her friends, 
whether they be the rich of to-day or the rich 
of a century, .or the poor of all times. She is 
proud of her own noble ancestors, appreciating 
the "noblesse oblige" which their possession 
entails, and she is not humiliated by the un- 
worthy ones of her family, whose disgrace she 
feels cannot be reflected on herself. She un- 
derstands that for cultured, well-bred people, 
the real gentlefolk of the republic, the highest 
forms of enjoyment are open without great 
wealth. 



CCtie rDen=3reb (StrL 



3i7 



She endeavors at all times and in every way 
to show herself as she really is, that noblest 
product of our civilization — an American gen- 
tlewoman. 



Printed by Benziger Brothers, New York. 



THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE SERIES. 



H (Bentlemam 

By Maurice Francis Egan, LL.D. 

i6mo, red cloth, gilt top, 75 cents. 

^his book was written by Mr. Egan to answer questions 
asked by many young men beginning life. It is a 
book of social ethics and practices ; it is full of good 
advice even in minute details of etiquette. There is 
something u. c iful on every page, and the chapters on 
" What to P id," etc., are a thorough course of literature 
in themselves. 

MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

By Lelia Hardin Bugg, 
Author of "The Correct Thing for Catholics." 
i6mo, white cloth, gilt top. $1.00. 

TThere has never been a time when so many people 
were asking what is " proper to do," or, indeed, 
when there were so many genuinely anxious to do the 
proper thing, as in the time in which we live. The 
author of <l A Lady" has condensed into this volume the 
principal rules and regulations of society as laid down by 
recognized authorities. 



The Correct Thing for Catholics. 

By Lelia Hardin Bugg. 
i6mo, blue cloth, gilt top, 75 cents. 

" One finds much to commend in this initial volume in a new line 
of Catholic book-making.' 1 — Ave Maria. 

" The things that are ' correct ' and those 1 not correct ' are given 
with such distinctness, smartness, and snap, as will be sure to get 
the book, wherever seen, read all through and remembered and 
recommended." — Northwestern Chronicle. 



BENZIGEB BROTHERS, New York, Cincinnati, Chicago. 

C Hi 82 T < 




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